


Heroes

by RatonLaveur



Category: Free!
Genre: AU, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs for money, Chainsmoking, Cigarettes, Concerts, David Bowie - Freeform, Depression, Drama, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Emotional Sex, Hand Jobs, Haru is a musician, Have I mentioned music?, It's all about music, Love Confessions, M/M, Makoto is a producer, More David Bowie bc yas, More Tags Coming Soon, Music, Music Company, Music Videos - Freeform, Overdosing, Panic Attacks, Pills, Pining, Prostitution, Public Blow Jobs, Really bossy boss, Rimming, Slow Build, Smoking, Sousuke is the boss, YouTube, withdrawals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-05-06 13:58:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 70,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5419652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatonLaveur/pseuds/RatonLaveur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka's life isn't the best thing ever. Everything he has is just his guitar and drugs. There is nothing that could change it, that could save him... or there might be something. Is this "something" brave enough to get close to Haruka?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!~  
> This is my first long fanfiction, so I'm kind of nervous-  
> I have to apologize for my English, since I'm not a native speaker, but I hope you like it anyway!

_In the end all the sinners have to pay_.

Do they really? Pay for what? How? Who says that you are a sinner? Haruka was the last person to believe in God. And if there was some God, he had left Haruka a long time ago, abandoned him as well as everyone else. Let him lose in the labyrinth of life, thoughts and feelings and there was no way back. The only thing left was his old, red, chipped guitar.

Now he was holding it and frowning a bit, because the words of his new song just didn't seem to form in his mind. He felt a sudden touch of inspiration a while ago, but when he actually touched the pencil and the strings, it was gone. Now it was sitting in the back of his head, grinning at him and making him feel uncomfortable.

He sighed and closed his eyes, as his fingers touched the strings again, now playing a well known melody.

_“There's a starman waiting in the sky_

_He'd like to come and meet us_

_But he thinks he'd blow our minds_

_There's a starman waiting in the sky_

_He's told us not to blow it_

_Cause he knows it's all worthwhile_

_He told me:_

_Let the children lose it_

_Let the children use it_

_Let all the children boogie…”_

His deep, silent velvety voice combined with the sad lost sound of the acoustic guitar made the song sound like a lonely blues. It was full of Haruka’s feelings - full of feelings of a dying man, who lost everything and music is the last thing he lives for. Nobody in the whole fancy city called Berlin listened to his song. Everyone was so busy with buying clothes to please their lovers, food to keep their kids alive, presents to make their close ones happy, useless things to fill their empty homes. They had no time to stop and listen to the song that could help them realize important things in their life, warn them, save them. They had no time to listen to the little SOS hidden in the harmonic tones of raven-haired boy’s voice. They had no idea.

Only one person in the whole metropole stopped walking, shopping, worrying, stressing out, thinking just to listen to this song. It left such a strong impression it just had to change something deep inside him. When the song ended, he woke up from some kind of trance, a daydream and continued walking, not really sure what he wanted to do anymore.

There was no need to stay there for Haruka either. With the guitar on his back, he slowly walked down the crowded street to reach the place he needed, the small dirty street behind one of the big rich looking buildings. Walls surrounding the street were full of graffiti and there was trash everywhere. It could be called disgusting and dirty, but Haruka didn't care about any of those things. He cared only about the reason of his presence.

There was an ordinary looking man leaning on the wall and playing on his phone. The only suspicious thing about him was the fact that he was the only person on this street - except for Haruka. The man didn't have any sunglasses nor any hat to hide his face, but his looks were somehow unmemorable. That was a great advantage for him and his business.

“You are late today,” the man said in a monotone voice. It wasn't a reproach, neither it was a joke. He just stated it, this little fact that probably surprised him, but he wasn't interested enough to comment on it. Haruka didn't answer, he was interested even less than the man. “

The same as always,” he said, using the same tone as the man.

“1 gramm for 5 euro,” the dealer said probably out of habit. They exchanged 5 euro in paper money and a white powder in a little bag. Then Haruka without saying anything headed back to the crowded street with his daily hit like nothing has happened. It was just a daily routine.

Now he was going to follow his usual plan. His next stop was the comfort station. Despite the name, it wasn't very comfortable, it was actually a terrible place, but again, Haruka didn't care about anything but the powder he just got from the dealer. When you are addicted to heroin, your priorities dramatically change.

He ignored people waiting to use the toilets, staring at him like he was some kind of a spectacle. Then he finally locked himself in one of the cabs, sat down and spread all of his companions, his only friends around himself on the dirty ground.

His guitar, a syringe that was getting a little bit old and full of blood marks, a burned spoon, a lightner and the little bag he got a while ago. He wasn’t in a rush, he needed the shot, but it wasn’t really necessary at the moment. It was just a part of his daily routine and it was actually comfortable, since he wasn’t a fan of the withdrawal syndrom. So he melted the drug, slowly and calmly, unlike most of the times when he just had to get the liquid into his vein quickly, otherwise he would fall apart. Now he put it inside the syringe, noticing that he is going to need a new one soon, because it was almost screaming “infection!”. Then, after pumping his left hand, he placed the tip of the needle on one of the big cephalic veins. It took him a few seconds to find one that wasn’t full of little holes, there was even a thrombosis in one of them. When he managed to find a good place on his vein, he stabbed the syringe inside and pushed the piston. That made the clear liquid burst into his vein and quickly travel into his entire body. He breathed out heavily and closed his eyes. This, besides music, was the only thing he lived for. This substance, this feeling was keeping him alive and killing him at the same time. He kept sitting on the dirty ground of public toilets for a few minutes, just enjoying the feeling of the drug racing through his body and thinking. Even with his eyes closed, he could see the weird shadows, rushing through his mind, whispering nervously all the time, not leaving him alone at any time of the day. He wanted to touch them, to say that everything is going to be okay, calm them down, make them share the calmness he reached a few minutes ago. But they were unreachable, so close, yet so far. Those ghosts, shadows, silhouettes… Where did they come from? When did they join him? He was too tired to think about it. They were there, filling the silence with their nervous voices, guiding his hand when raising the syringe and touching the strings of his guitar, watching his decisions, looking after him.

_Silhouettes above the cradle hold me down… They won’t let me go the wrong way_.

He opened his eyes widely. Paper, he needed a paper. And a pencil. He found a pencil and an old dirty notebook in the pockets of his long shredded black coat. He didn’t care about anything but the sudden inspiration that overflowed his mind.

_Silhouettes above the cradle hold me down,_

_they won’t let me go the wrong way._

_My mother told me all the fables,_

_told me how,_

_in the end all this sinners have to pay,_

_but…_

_I don’t wanna live like my mother,_

_I don’t wanna let fear rule my life,_

_I don’t wanna live like my father,_

_I don’t wanna give up before I die._

The words were writing themselves, he couldn’t even do anything but write them down, like something stronger was using his hand to create words. He was feeling uncomfortable when putting his inner feelings, related to memories he would rather delete out of his mind on the paper like it was nothing. For some reason, the force making his hand write down all those words wanted him to remember the times when he was a kid and his mother was telling him bed time stories with hidden warnings and morals. He would like the actual stories more, if the morals were really hidden, but that wasn’t very important for him back then, because everything he cared about was his mother’s presence, her precious time she decided to spend with him for once. All the silly happiness and stupid stories he was trying so hard to forget, but never did. And his father… his father…

_He fell so hard, his bones are breaking,_

_he wore them down,_

_but long ago he lost the feelings._

_His bad addictions leave me shaking,_

_show me how,_

_I don’t ever want to end up like he did._

But that is exactly what has happened. Now Haruka knew that this is a kid, his old self, talking to him trough this song. He wanted to shut him up, make him disappear, but couldn’t do nor say anything, he could just keep writing everything the kid wanted to say, everything that should have staid hidden. All emotions were now bursting out, mostly hatred and disgust and disappointment, beacuse the little kid, the little Haruka has never wanted to end up like him, like the father, his father, being in the mercy of his addiction, haunted by his desires, by alcohol. Now Haruka was exactly the same, haunted by heroin, by the clear liquid that promised him a better world but made hell out of his life instead. The kid wanted to cry, but no tears escaped the adult’s eyes, only words could get out of his body.

_When I have kids,_

_I won’t put any chains on their wrists, I won’t._

_I’ll tell them this,_

_“there’s nothing in this world that you cannot be if you want it enough.”_

That’s right, this was the wrongdoing, the grievance the kid was caring with himself his entire life. He grew up caged, with a collar on his neck, not sure if he is allowed to breathe, watching the world around himself and seeing all the depravation, the terrible things happening every day and wanted to disappear. Only music didn’t let him escape this bad world, kept him alive all the time before finally ripping out his chains and running away from the place that was making him suffer. But music wasn’t enough for him to get rid of the uneasiness, heaviness and pain stuck in his chest and making him short on breath. That was how he found drugs, the way to destroy those feelings , to explore a new world, to forget. That was how he kept surviving. Only surviving, because it was too dark to be called living.

Rough knocking on the door interrupted his thoughts and found him half-sitting, half-laying on the ground, sweating and trying to catch his breath.

He finished the song.

It made him feel terrible, he hasn’t felt like this for months, but he finished the song. He put his “supplies” into his pockets, grabbed the guitar and left the cab, ignoring the scared looks of people. He knew he looks scary, he knew that very well. He has been addicted to heroin for six months now, it was like a miracle that he survived for such a long time. There was nothing like good nor even human looks.

He was a walking corpse.

It wasn't like he cared about people and their opinions. The only thing on his mind was his daily schedule, he had to follow it, to continue living the life he planned, otherwise he would fall apart.

The next step was earning money.

He walked through the Potsdamer platz, making a lot of unnecessary physical contacts with people, because he kept staring at the ground under his feet instead of looking around. He didn't even want to look around, he wasn't interested in seeing faces of strangers, masks of people passing by. After ten minutes of walking through the crowded square and the following streets, he finally reached his goal.

Leipziger platz, another square, but it wasn't so crowded. He checked the time on his old watches he got for birthday (and already forgot for which one and from whom). He still had some time. A sigh left his mouth as he sat down on the sidewalk, kind of close to the road, and took the guitar off his back. He caressed it like it was a beloved person and tried to get a melody for his new song. He was running his fingers on the strings, it seemed natural for him and it looked almost like he was going to become one being with the guitar. The melody coming out of the wooden instrument fit to the words Haruka had written before like the two parts of the song were made together. Like the song was completed a long time ago, just waiting for Haruka to play it. He started singing, the words were staying in the air together with the tones, electrifying with the feelings and some kind of power only deep emotions can have. Before he started singing the refrain, the magical moment was interrupted by a car, stopping right next to the raven haired boy. Haruka put the guitar on his back again, standing up with a resigned expression on his face.

The person stepping out of the car was a tall man. He was wearing an expensive looking coat and sunglasses. His face seemed strict and sharp and Haruka knew him very well.

The best time of street prostitution was gone, but it still attracted some people, since it's very discrete and most importantly - cheap. Desperate people are still used over and over again. It was good (and safe) to find a “regular client”. And this man was regular client for Haruka. He had no idea how the man ended up picking up drug addicts on the street to have sex with them. He looked rich, he could get safe and professional “service” anytime he wanted to. It was probably some kind of adventure for him.

Haruka hated him for that. All the men, using drug addicts to get cheap sex were making him sick, but this guy, this guy was using Haruka, doing whatever he wanted to do with him. And he couldn't do anything about it, because he needed the money the man was giving him. He didn't even know the man’s name. Not like it was important. Haruka had no feelings except for hate for this man. Even the sex with him was terrible. And he had a ridiculously short penis.

The man nodded and opened the door of his car, quietly as always, not even looking at Haruka properly. The boy was sometimes wandering whether he isn’t actually embarrassed - or feeling guilty.

He sighed and made one step towards the car. Suddenly he felt a tight grip on his wrist.

“I'm sorry, mister,” he heard an unknown voice from the place next to him, probably belonging to the hand holding his wrist, “but I’m taking this guy with me now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was the first chapter.  
> Songs:  
> David Bowie - Starman. You should definitely listen to it, it's perfection.  
> Smile Empty Soul - Silhouettes (with a slight change in text to fit more in the story).  
> I promise there will be texts actually written by me in next chapters. Don't worry, I'm not that much of a copycat.  
> Thoughts? Opinions? Please, let me know if you liked/disliked it.  
> Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~  
> Okay, so I'm here with another chapter of this story. It took me a lot of time, sorry, school and family duties around Christmas are terrible.   
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, even though I'm not very satisfied with the result.   
> Okay, I'll shut up now and let you read. Enjoy!

Unexpected. Unbelievable. Annoying.

Who are you? 

Why did you come here?

Why do you care?

Haruka turned his head to the side and looked at the person holding his wrist. 

Brightness.

Maybe it was because of the drugs inside his veins, maybe it was just a play of the light, but the man standing next to him seemed to have some kind of shining aura around himself. It was almost hurting Haruka’s eyes, not in a bad way though. Something was coming from the man’s hand to his own, something that was making him feel… alive? It was uncomfortable. He tried to get his wrist out of the grip, but the man was holding him too tightly. 

The features of his face looked nice and friendly, but his actual expression wasn’t nice at all. He had a faint smile on his lips, but his eyes were dead serious. 

Haruka’s regular client's expression was amusing, though. His eyes widened and his mouth was slightly opened, like he was about to say something, but the unexpected visitor’s stare cut him off. Then he just shrugged.

“Enjoy,” he said in an uninterested voice, as he got back into the car and rode away with a slit of the tyres of his black BMW. Haruka was kind of sure this was the last time he saw this man.

“Are you okay?” The man’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts. The rigidity Haruka saw before already left his eyes and they were now just sparkling green with a sight of a worry. It was hard to stop looking into those eyes, but when Haruka managed to do so, his eyes traveled down to look at the man’s hand, that has not let his wrist go yet. 

“Oh, sorry.” The apology sounded really honest, as the man finally let go of his hand. Haruka, without hesitation, turned his back on him and started walking away. He had to find a new customer, after all.

“No, wait!” The man ran up to him, placing his hand on Haruka’s shoulder to make him stop. 

“What do you want?” The raven haired boy’s voice sounded uninvolved, like he was just an empty shell, there was no one inside to care. 

“Please, don’t do it.” Why did the man sound so desperate? He didn't know Haruka nor anything about his life. He didn't know anything at all. Why did he care? It was making Haruka angry, he wanted to run away from this guy unsettling him just by his look and words.

_ Go away. _

“Do what?” he asked in the same tone as before.

“Selling yourself,” the man whispered and tilted his head. The light ran through his hair, making the sand-like colour sparkle a bit. That just made his “aura” even brighter. His expression was strange, like he was in pain just from imagining it. “Why do young people have to sell their bodies, destroy themselves, just for money?”

_ Leave me alone. _

“I need money,” Haruka heard himself saying. “It’s none of your business.” He was ready to walk away and forget about this thing, when he felt a touch of paper on his palm. He looked down and saw a 10 Euro bank note the green eyed man pushed against the skin of his palm. Why? Why would he do that? He didn't even know his name, he didn't know anything. 

“I want to help you,” the man explained with a sad smile on his face. 

_ If you really wanted to help me, you would have never given me money. _

“Why?” Haruka finally asked the question, resonating inside his mind.

“I heard you singing.”

Haruka looked right into the man’s eyes for the second time, suddenly regretting it, because the energy absorbed in the green depths made him feel uncomfortable again.

“And?”

“Your talent is incredible. You should be known all over the world and earn money by doing something you like, not by doing… this.” He looked very sad when saying all those things. 

But Haruka didn't care at all. He didn't want to listen to this guy, it was too confusing, too unexpected, too… too much to handle. It was giving him a headache.

_ Stop it. _

He started walking away again, not saying anything and the man didn't try to stop him this time. That's how it should be. Haruka was meant to be alone, living his life on his own, following his plans, killing most of his feelings with drugs and drowning the rest in his songs.

There was no place for anyone else in his life. 

He was walking towards Potsdamer platz again, but didn't really feel like going back there, it was too crowded. Suddenly he didn't know what to do, since his daily schedule was disrupted. He frowned and touched the money he stuffed in his pocket a few minutes ago. He had already bought the second hit for today in the morning and he had enough money to buy his hit tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. He was kind of… thankful? It was understandable, because when he had money, there was no need to go to bed with filthy strangers.

His thoughts were interrupted by a cold feeling on his pale skin. He stopped walking and looked up.

It was snowing.

Little white snowflakes were floating in the air, fluttering, flying around Haruka and landing on him softly, melting immediately when they touched his face and hands, but staying on his coat in their original form.

He was standing in the middle of the street, looking up at the sky and watching the snowflakes. People in the street were bumping into him and complaining about him being in the way, but he ignored them completely, captured by the magic of this moment. 

He has always thought about snow as about something peacful, quiet, soft. When he was a kid, he spent a lot of time looking out of the window, watching the snow falling for hours. It sent calm vibes into his mind, made him relax and stop worrying, made the hateful voices of his arguing parents go away. It disabled all the negative and painful things. That’s why he liked snow.

Even now he felt his worries, troubles, the thing with his client and the stranger melt like the little snowflakes on his skin.

A slight worry came to his mind, though. He was homeless and cold weather meant that there is a very uncomfortable, maybe even dangerous night ahead of him. Winter in Berlin isn’t so bad, but the cold can be cruel, especially for someone sleeping on the street. And Haruka didn’t even have a blanket or anything.

He could get it together with food at the places supporting homeless people, but he didn’t want to risk getting arrested for carrying drugs. And things like food didn’t really bother him either, because since he started doing drugs, he has been less and less hungry, realizing he doesn’t need to eat that much anymore.

He wrapped his coat around himself as tightly as he could, slowly starting to freeze. The magical moment was gone and he was hit by the reality, forced to think of where is he going to sleep tonight. 

Well… as always, he didn't really care.

Most of the junkies were hanging out together, it was way easier to earn money and get drugs in groups, also they shared flats so they didn't have to be on the street. 

But Haruka was different. After many bad experiences he started avoiding people as much as possible. He didn't need company - everything he needed was just to be high. He could take care of things on his own. 

Suddenly he frowned and squeezed the money in his pocket again. He didn't need help.

Especially not from nice, happy-looking strangers. It was seriously getting on his nerves.

Since he was a kid, a weird selfish part of him has always been jealous of happy people with happy families and happy lives. It was ridiculous, but he somehow couldn't help it. And that guy seemed like this kind of person.

_ Well, what do you know?  _ An annoying voice deep inside his mind felt like a needle in his head, bothering him with stupid thoughts.  _ Maybe he isn't happy at all and that's why- _

The drug seemed to be too weak to shut up those voices and he hated it. Or he needed to take a bigger amount of the drug to get the usual effect…? It has been a few months since he started shooting H, it was understandable. But very unsettling. 

Does it mean that he is going to die soon? Is he going to need more and more of this thing that was poisoning and saving him at the same time? Is he going to take bigger amounts until one of them kills him?

He didn't want to die.

No matter how miserable his life was, no matter how much he didn't care, he didn't want to die. Some part of him still believed that there is something worth living for left in this world. He just needed to find it. And drugs were just a little support, help. They held him so he couldn't fall. They couldn't kill him, right?

He sighed and shook his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts. He probably needed another shot, but was too scared of overdosing - and the withdrawal, that would come in the morning if he used all of the drug he had now - he decided to bear the feelings. He can always figure out what to do later. He was doing his best to make himself feel like everything is okay, but the reality was different. His situation was out of control. 

With another sigh he sat down on a bench in front of a little bookshop - the sudden snow was so surprising, the benches were still outside - and took his guitar, touching the strings carefully, but still pretty passionately. He didn't really feel like playing, though. His thoughts were too scattered and he was too nervous. But even the touch was enough to distract his mind a little bit. After a while, he started playing a melody of the song he played before at the Potsdamer platz. It was one of his favorite songs and he learnt to play it a few weeks after he bought his red guitar for the money he got from his uncle. Haruka had to work really hard in his uncle’s company to get the money, but it was worth it. After seven months of lifting hard boxes and repairing the broken machines, he finally walked to the store with music instruments. He was looking for a perfect guitar for almost two hours, when the red color hit his eyes and he fell in love right there.

Soon it seemed like the guitar had became a part of his body and he quickly learnt all the chords without even thinking about it. 

After a few minutes he got out of his slump enough to play his favorite songs seriously. Some people stopped walking for a while to listen, then threw coins under his feet. It was kind of nice from them, but Haruka couldn't bring himself to be thankful. 

In the evening, he had almost 10 Euro in coins. He just picked up the money from the ground and stuffed it into his pocket. Now he had almost 20 Euro and it was a weird feeling. 20 Euro was a lot of money for him. 20 Euro was 4 grams. 

He visited his dealer once more to get one gram and half. It was all for tomorrow, he wanted to try three quarters, because one half obviously didn't work anymore. There was almost 5 Euro left in his pocket. He felt kind of guilty when giving the dealer the bank note, though. Like it wasn't meant to be paid. That was stupid, what else is money for? Maybe It just wasn't mean to be spent  on drugs… 

He headed to the first public toilets on his way - even though they were nasty and dirty as hell - and locked himself in the toilet stall, quickly cooking the drug and stabbing the needle into his vein. 

Those guilty feelings were unnecessary. 

The shot made him feel better, but the effect wasn't as strong as he expected. He really needed to start taking more than a half gram. 

But now the weird thoughts were gone and he could focus on the important things - where is he going to sleep tonight? He was already freezing, but he couldn't really feel the cold when he was high. That didn't make things less dangerous, though. 

He walked out of the toilets, walking the streets without knowing the direction nor the destination. It has already gotten dark and the streets looked beautiful. Haruka was enjoying being high and seeing all of those pretty things other people couldn't see or just ignored. After three hours of walking and staring at the lights, shadows and shops he started feeling tired. 

As he walked past the containers in one of the streets with huge buildings, he has noticed an old piece of something like a carpet hanging on top of the container. Without thinking he took it and headed to a little dark street in one of the dirtiest quarters of Berlin. 

The street looked disgusting, but Haruka chose it because he seriously didn't feel like meeting people, especially not the cops. It was some kind of a hideout. He placed the carpet that turned into his blanket on the ground, then he put his guitar next to it. Finally, he lay down on the piece of the dirty cloth full of holes and covered his body with the rest of the carpet. It was a pathetic bed, but for him it was enough. At least he didn't sleep right on the ground, freezing to death. After a few moments he fell asleep and his sleep was unsettled, full of nightmares. 

_ In one of the dreams, he was cooking the drug as always, going into a withdrawal, so he had to be quick. But it was hard, because his hands were shaking. Also the shit wasn't as clear as usually and it was hard to melt it without using citron. Of course he didn't have any, so it took a long time for the drug to melt and meanwhile he went cold turkey. When he was finally able to get the shot, he couldn't find any veins on his hand. The withdrawal was getting worse, so he stabbed the needle into his hand various times in a crazy and desperate attempt to get the drug inside. After a few stabs he managed to get the right vein and pushed the piston in a relief. Then his heart exploded. His head exploded. Everything exploded. _

He gasped and sat up, clutching his chest. It took him an hour to stop trembling and be able to go back to sleep.

He didn't remember the rest of his dreams. The night was calm, disturbed only by the noises of the big city. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I hope you liked it. Please, let me know what you think about it in the comments^^ If you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask me.   
> Anyway, I'll be back with the next chapter soon and most importantly:  
> Merry Christmas to all of you!♥


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!  
> I'm really sorry it took me forever to write the 3rd chapter, but school was rough and I ran into a terrible writer's block. It's short, but with this chapter the "beginning" ends and the real story should start now. Anyway, I'll stop talking now. Enjoy!

The high rises of Berlin were covered in fog and the city was slowly, very slowly, waking up from the long dream full of almost unbelievable night adventures. 

Even though the noise and the rush of the capital city was the same as always, the morning seemed calm and peaceful. People left their houses to go to work or to escort their children to kindergartens and schools. Everything was calm, everything was peaceful, except for one black haired boy, shaking in a terrible withdrawal under an old dirty carpet at a place where nobody could find him.

Waking up with a withdrawal was one of the worst experiences ever, especially after such a terrifying nightmare. Haruka sat up, shaking so badly he could barely move. It wasn’t due to the cold, though. His body wasn’t able to feel any kind of discomfort, including the cold and pain from sleeping on the ground the entire night.

It was very, very difficult to prepare the shot with those shaky hands and it took him twice or thrice longer than usually. But the feeling he got when the drug ran through his veins was definitely worth the wait.

He stood up and almost fell back on the ground, his legs were too weak to carry his weight, even though he was so skinny he became a walking skeleton. After a few moments of trying to get his balance back, he was finally able to stand normally, but his head was still spinning around. He leaned on the cold wall of the building that he slept next to and breathed out heavily. It made a wheezing sound - it seemed like he is about to catch a cold (or something worse). Suddenly he heard loud barking. In the dreamy state were his actions slow and numb, the dog was almost in front of him when he turned his head to the right. It was a big dog, some kind of a Doberman pinsher, maybe mixed with something else. And it seemed very angry. This dog wasn’t a cute pet, it lived in the streets and had to fight to survive, looked dirty, injured, hungry and sick. It reminded Haruka of himself. That would make them mates, but the rules of the streets were cruel. Eat or be eaten. Kill or get killed. No friendships possible, no helping allowed.

The dog was about to attack, but Haruka didn’t care enough to stop it. All the self-preservation he used to have was gone, it disappeared a long time ago. Now he was just waiting, ready to accept anything.

The attack never came. The dog stopped a few seconds before reaching the place Haruka was standing at. The Doberman pinsher growled at him for the last time and ran away like a good, innocent dog that just forgot the owner somewhere. Even the dog didn’t want to bite Haruka’s poisined body.

With those sour thoughts he left the street and walked towards… What? What was left to do for him? Was there still anything worth living?

The world didn't stop. It never does. His daily routine didn't change. It never does.

The strength and will left in his mind and the constantly shaking body were just enough for him to complete his usual tasks. Buy another shot - more this time. Play guitar - his inspiration was gone. Find a new customer - failed. And most importantly - don't stop. Don't think.

Suddenly, a lonely thought crossed his mind and made him stop everything he was doing. This. This is the end. His life lost its meaning and there was no use in living now. 

It didn't even shock him. 

He found himself sitting on the bench at the Potsdamerplatz, holding his guitar, but not touching the strings, high as a kite, but not feeling anything, staring at things before his eyes, but not seeing anything.

Now the death should come. This was the right moment to disappear, leave this place.

Well, maybe death doesn't come itself. Maybe he should help it somehow.

The golden shot.

Those words didn't even form in his mind, it was more like a picture, a  _ feeling,  _ representing the whole meaning of the golden shot. 

He got up, it felt like this idea has awoken him. 

The weirdest thing was that everything felt normal. He bought more of the drug - the right amount to make the golden shot useful. His dealer was the same as usual. The whole thing was the same as usual. But something was different and Haruka  _ knew  _ that. 

Then, with two grams of heroin in his pocket, he headed towards public toilets at the Alexanderplatz. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Feel free to leave a comment or kudos. See you next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back with another chapter and pretty soon this time' I've been really inspired lately and I hope it stays this way. We are finally getting somewhere in this chapter, so I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing.

In the past, when he thought of suicide, he had imagined a lot of things, but the reality was different. He felt calm and empty. Now he seriously didn't care about anything anymore.

The weather was still cold and foggy. People were still rushing and trying to achieve their life goals. His old guitar was still tied to his back like a part of his body. Nothing had changed except for Haruka's feelings and wills.

He didn't know whether it's possible to be ready to die. What does it take to get ready? How much time? How much strength? How many emotions? He couldn't tell, but the truth is that he  _ was  _ ready. Like his whole being has been waiting for this moment his entire life. 

This is the End.

Another step towards the ending of his life and-

He bumped into someone. Or maybe that person bumped into him, because they were running and Haruka's walking was slow. No matter what had happened, they collided.

“I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

That voice. He has already heard this voice. Where…?

“Hey! Is everything alright?”

Who is this person…?

“Oh my god! Are you hurt?”

This person…

“Wait, that’s you!” 

“You,” Haruka whispered, when he finally recognised the man in front of him. It was the one who sent Haruka’s previous customer away, the one who gave him money and believed that this “little gift” can help him.

“Leave me alone,” the raven haired boy mumbled and headed towards the toilets again - at least he tried to do so.

“No, please, wait. Talk to me!” The man grabbed Haruka’s wrist. Annoying. Haruka felt like punching him at first. Wait… Does that mean that his careless mood disappeared?

“Let me die,” he growled and tried to shake the man’s hand off. 

“I can’t.”The man’s green eyes were full of pain, almost like he felt the same way as Haruka.

“What’s your problem? You don’t even know me.” He wanted to be rude, mean, to make the man go away.

It didn’t work. He kept staring at Haruka with a serious, painful expression. 

Just who the hell is this person?!

“What do you want? What do you want from me?” Haruka’s voice was silent, almost unhearable, but it seemed like the man has no problem understanding him.

“I just want you to live a better life.”

“Why?”

The man was quiet for a while, it looked like he has no good reason to do all of this. Then he looked straight in Haruka’s eyes and those sparkling green eyes sent some kind of strenght or energy into the boy’s weak body. 

“You are young, You are talented. Don’t throw your life away. Everybody deserves happiness. I just want to help you get it.”

Haruka blinked, slowly absorbing his words. Thhis guy… He is too pure for this world. Too nice for the place where “kill or be killed” is the main rule.

“You shouldn’t waste your time.” Haruka sighed, ready to end this conversation.

“I’m not wasting my time! You are worth every second of my time.”

Haruka blinked once again. Is he serious?!

“Please, let me take you to my house. We can talk there.”

He had nothing to lose. Absolutely nothing. He wasn’t scared of being killed nor raped for obvious reasons. There was no way this man could do anything to him. So he just simply nodded.

The change of the man’s expression was fascinating. The worried look was replaced by a bright, happy smile, that warmed up the world around him.

“Thank you,” he said softly. Haruka frowned.  _ He _ was the one who should say that - just what’s wrong with that guy? He doesn’t even know his name-

“Oh and my name is Makoto. Makoto Tachibana.”

_ Did he read my mind…?! _

“I’m Haruka,” he said with another frown.

“Nice to meet you.” Makoto gave him a shining smile and finally let go of his wrist. “Shall we go now?”

Haruka’s answe was a quick nod.

So they went. Haruka knew a lot of streets and parts of Berlin, but Makoto was leading him somewhere he has never been before - to the “rich” part of the city. 

_ Does this guy have a lot of money? Is that why he can take random drug addicts into his house? _

“My boss gave me a flat. I can have it as long as I work for his company. He treets his employees really great,” Makoto smiled and Haruka was sure he read his mind again.

“I see,” Haruka mumbled and wondered what his job could be. Mafia? A prestigious night club?

He didn’t get any answers to his thoughts this time. 

They walked in silence, but it wasn't a bad silence. Haruka appreciated that Makoto didn't try to start an awkward conversation and just left him alone. The green eyed guy had a little happy smile on his lips and seemed in a really good mood.

On the other hand, Haruka looked like death. They must have looked like a really weird couple.

It took them a few minutes to arrive to the huge building that had Makoto's flat inside. It was one of those typical places for rich people. Beautiful grass and trees around the buildings, the buildings themselves looked better than the old ones in the part of the city Haruka “lived”. And he was about to go inside one of them.

Suddenly he was scared. No, it was even worse.

He got a really strong panic attack. He started shaking and his face got even more pale than before, if it was still possible.

He felt like something inside the building is waiting for him, ready to attack him. No, not only inside the building,  _ everywhere  _ around him. His body froze in terror and he couldn't breathe. Everything around him was blurry, he could barely hear Makoto's voice calling him and then everything went black.

***

When he woke up, he saw white. It was so bright it almost blinded him.

_ Am I dead? Or is this a hospital? _

“Haru? Are you okay?”

He tried to sit up, but his body was still too weak. 

“Where am I?” He asked in a husky voice. 

“In my flat,” Makoto answered and placed his palm on Haruka's forehead. “Are you feeling better? I'm sorry I didn't call an ambulance, but… I thought you would prefer if I didn't.”

Haruka slightly opened his mouth and remained speechless for a while. He couldn't believe this guy has done so much for him- 

Junkies like him were scared of hospitals and doctors, because they put them in rehab and force those people who lost their will to live to make a fresh start. Also some methods were really painful, as well as the way the doctors treated junkies. 

They were just creatures who lost their right to live in doctors' eyes, yet they had to be saved because the society said so.

“Thank you,” Haruka whispered without thinking about it and really meant it. Makoto's eyes widened and then he smiled. 

“Wait… What did you call me?”

Makoto looked confused for a while and then made an understanding face.

“Haru? That's a shorter version of your name. Do you mind it?”

“Yes.”

“I'm sorry.” Makoto's smile was polite this time. Seriously, will this guy ever stop smiling? Haruka was really rude to him, yet he kept smiling like he didn't mind at all.

“I'm sorry it has to be under such circumstances… But welcome to my flat.” Makoto helped Haruka sit up on the bed so he could look around a bit.

The flat was amazing. The walls were full of posters and old gramophone records. It was a place of someone who really, really loved music. The furniture looked quite formal, yet comfortable and the walls were painted beige. That all made the flat look very cosy. 

“What do you say?” Makoto asked, obviously excited.

“It's… It's beautiful,” Haruka whispered. “And all the music…” He stared at the posters of musicians and the gramophone records and his heart filled his music felt like in heaven.

“And that's not everything!” Makoto was happy like a little kid, showing off his favourite toys. He ran to the corner of his flat and patted a huge cassette player. “This is the best thing I own,” he said with pride and passion and turned the player on.

It started playing music that Haruka knew very well and treasured a lot. His eyes widened and he suddenly felt so carefree in a good way.

 

_ I, I will be king _

_ And you, you will be queen _

_ Though nothing will drive them away _

_ We can beat them just for one day _

_ We can be heroes just for one day _

 

_ And you, you can be mean _

_ And I, I'll drink all the time _

_ ‘Cause we're lovers _

_ And that is a fact  _

_ Yes, we're lovers and that is that _

 

_ Though nothing will keep us together  _

_ We can steal time just for one day _

_ We can be heroes for ever and ever _

_ What'd you say? _

 

David Bowie's Heroes always meant so much to Haruka and now, he was sitting here, in this place made for music, with a guy who saved his life, listening to this song, to the lyrics and suddenly tears started running down his cheeks.

It had been a long time since he cried for the last time. He became mostly emotionless after all the things that happened to him. But now, he was so overwhelmed with emotions - maybe it was because he fainted earlier, or because he wasn't high anymore or because of this all. He just couldn't stop crying.

After a while he felt a soft touch on his shoulder and a nice voice, telling him that everything is going to be okay. 

Maybe this, this was what he needed to survive. Someone, one person in his entire life, telling him that everything is going to be okay. Someone to comfort him. This cliché could be something he had been looking for the entire time. He started crying even more and Makoto, this overly nice guy, who decided to help him, the half dead drug addict for no reason, hugged him. 

He had never felt anything like the warmth and comofrt he found in this kind embrace. It felt like… someone cares about him for the first time in his life. Even though this guy didn’t know anything about him except for the bad and fucked up things he represented, he had done so many things for him. 

“Thank you,” Haruka whispered and never meant anything in his existence as much as this. “Thank you…” He repeated and felt like it’s not enough. A simple human touch made him feel so emotional he couldn’t recognise himself. “Thank you…”

“My pleasure,” he heard a soft whisper and everything really was okay, as this nice voice of the man who saved him promised.

“Are you an angel?” Haruka thought, starting to feel like he is already dead and this is the real heaven.

“What?” 

So he said it out loud.

“I’m just… You can’t be like  _ them. _ ” And by “them” Haruka meant other people, the whole humanity, everyone he knew. And he was sure that Makoto understood. The green eyed man remained silent for a while and then Haruka felt warm liquid running down his neck. It took him a few seconds to realise what the liquid is.

_ Tears. _

“Just how much did you suffer?” The raven haired boy was surprised by the amount of pain in Makoto’s voice. “I promise… I swear I’ll never let you suffer again.” 

Makoto pushed him away carefully so he could grab both his shoulders and look right into Haruka’s eyes, the green eyes filled with tears met the blue ones. 

“I promise you’ll live a better life. Even if it was the last thing I will ever do.”

  
_ We can be heroes just for one day _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Please, let me know what you think about this chapter or the whole story! Your comments and kudos keep me going!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm back with a new chapter. This one is short and kind of relaxing, so I hope you will enjoy it!

The song ended but the magic of that moment didn't disappear. All emotions in the room were too strong, Haruka didn't want to break them by making any noises - he even held his breath. After a while Makoto let him go and smiled apologetically. “I'm sorry… I got a little carried away. I hope you don't mind.”

No, Haruka really didn'tind, actually, he was so thankful he couldn't even find the words to explain.

He looked deep into Makoto's eyes, trying to make him understand, make him see what he felt.

And Makoto understood.

His eyes widened ans then his lips formed into a bright smile that had this unbelievable effect on Haruka. Then a slightly worried expression appeared on his face again.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better… I guess.” He tried to stand up, but his legs were too weak. Makoto helped him by grabbing his elbow with one hand and wrapping the other one around his waist. Haruka felt like the stronger man could carry him in his arms without any problems.

“Are you hungry?” He asked. Haruka just shook his head. “Thirsty?” Same answer. “Well, I have something else that might interest you then.” 

Now the raven haired boy turned his head to him. Makoto didn't say anything, he just led him to the corner of his living room, still supporting him.

The thing Makoto wanted to show Haruka was a guitar stand. The guitar on it was… Haruka's red guitar.

“How did you…”

“You dropped it when you… fainted before. I thought you both need special care.”

Haruka really had no words for this man.

“You really should eat something,” Makoto said and gave him another worried look.

“I'm not hungry.”

“I can order a pizza.” The taller guy looked determined.

“Pizza?”

Makoto looked embarrassed. “I… I can't cook.”

Haruka chuckled and it was the first time after long years, maybe even in his whole life that he made this kind of expression. His chuckling turned into laughing and he wasn't sure who is more surprised, but he couldn't stop himself.

Makoto looked down. “I'm - I'm sorry.”

“No! It's just…” Haruka was trying to talk while laughing, it was so hard and lame he started laughing even more. “Your expression… If you just saw it… You look so desperate. It's honestly all okay.” He finally stopped laughing. “I can cook for you. When I was younger, I learnt to cook because I just really liked it.” This offer was… maybe a little bit weird?

But Makoto's eyes brightened even more and he grabbed both of Haruka's wrists.

“Really?”

“If you want…”

“Of course I do!”

Together they walked to the kitchen (that was big and modern but hardly used) and Haruka started feeling Makoto's excitement in his own mood. He felt…  **alive** .

When they got to the kitchen, Haruka shook Makoto's hands off and leaned on the kitchen counter.

“Now leave it to me… I won't let it explode.”

“Alright, I trust you.” Makoto gave him one of  _ his  _ smiles and returned to the living room. Haruka heard the sound of a bunch of paper being dropped on the table.  _ Is that his job? Paperwork?  _  He thought as he started looking for ingredients and pots, holding on the kitchen counter the whole time.

He felt the urge to return Makoto's kindness and help, but he couldn't really do anything except for this. He had nothing. He paid for things with his body. He thought of this for a while, but… no. That wouldn't be right. And Makoto would probably feel offended if he offered him such a thing. Or…?

He shook his head, focusing on cooking. In the kitchen wardrobe he found pasta and different spices and flavouring. He cooked the pasta, then put all the things he found together and made a creamy looking sauce. It took him about 30 or 35 minutes and when he tasted the final result, he was more than satisfied. He was glad he didn't forget the art of cooking, even though it had been years since he did it for the last time.

He turned the cooker off and walked to the living room. Makoto with glasses on seemed to be really into the paper he was currently reading, but when Haruka appeared behind him, he looked up and smiled. The glasses gave him more serious looks.  _ Is he a business man? _

“I finished the meal,” Haruka told him, staring at the new looks of the guy who found him in the streets. Makoto took off his glasses and stretched a bit before standing up. He wanted to help Haruka walk again, but this time the shorter guy refused.

They headed to the kitchen together. The scent of the meal filled the whole room.

“Wow, it smells great!” Makoto didn't let Haruka prepare the food fot him and did it himself. With the plate he sat down on the chair at the little table that wad next to the kitchen counter.

“You aren't gonna eat?” He asked.

“I'm not hungry.” Haruka leaned on the kitchen counter again. Makoto looked like he wants to object at first but then he started eating. After the first bite his eyes widened and his face got a happy satisfied expression. 

“Haru! That's delicious!” He started stuffing the food into his mouth. Haruka frowned at the nickname, but didn't complain this time. 

Makoto finished eating quite quickly.

“I need more,” he said with a chuckle. “I've never eaten anything this good before.” Haruka opened his mouth, about to tell him to stop talking such nonsense.

“No, don't say anything.” Makoto tilted his head to the right. “I don't want you to hate on something I enjoyed this much.” He was about to scoop more food, when he suddenly froze and turned back at Haruka.

“You can stay at my place,” he said, completely serious. “You can live here… under two conditions. You will cook for me. And - most importantly - you will work for our company as a musician.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter. Don't forget to tell me what you liked/disliked and see you in the next chap!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm back with a new chapter! It took me a few days but now I have tons of ideas for this story. A lot of things is about to happen! I hope you'll enjoy this. I want to thank you for kudos and comments, because they seriously keep me going. I love you all!

“Our company is called Heimat records and it's a huge studio. It's all about music.” Makoto smiled and didn't even try to hide the fact that he loves his job and music. “And I'm one of the producers. I worked with a few people already, but I've been looking for something… someone special.” His eyes were serious, yet still kind and really deep. If Haruka didn't look away, he would… get lost in them?

“You. You are the special one.”

Haruka blinked. “Me…?”

“Yes. When I heard you singing… When I saw you… I knew it has to be you. I know I said it as an order or something like that, but… I'm actually begging you. Please. Leave the streets and let the world know about your talent.”

_ This guy…  _ He had a strange talent of making such sad and desperate faces that made Haruka feel almost guilty for letting him feel that way. 

“Why?” He whispered. “I'm nothing. I'm - I'm worse than that. I'm a drug addict. A hooker. I fuck people for money I spend on drugs. Just why-” The pain in Makoto's eyes stopped him from talking, scared him even. “Are you o-”

“Please stop.” His voice was almost unbearable and when he looked up, his emerald eyes were filled with tears. “When I saw you for the first time, all alone in the middle of the crowd. Then with that…that man… It was so sad it almost broke my heart.”

_ Just how sensitive is he? _

Then Makoto smiled again, but it was a really sad smile that didn't reach his eyes. “You probably think I'm stupid. This all must sound silly to you. I'm just random man you met a while ago. I have no right to tell you what to do. I'm sorry.”

Makoto now looked like the lost and almost broken one here.

“I-” Haruka was struggling to find the right words. He wasn't used to this kind of stuff at all. Then he remembered how good the warm embrace of this person standing before him made him feel - now it was time to return the favour.

He stepped closer and wrapped his shaking arms around Makoto's strong body. It was a nervous shy hug, but the sudden touch made Makoto shiver - and Haruka could feel it. This closeness was so new, so fascinating. After a moment of hesitation, Makoto hugged him back, carefully and unsurely, yet still tightly enough for their bodies to press against each other. 

“I'll do it,” Haruka whispered and suddenly knew what to do. Maybe for the first time in his life. He'll sing and play for people to hear it, even if it was only for Makoto. He had to do it. He wanted to do it. 

“Really?” Asked Makoto in a shaky voice.

“Yes.” Haruka felt strangely motivated. He'll quit drugs. He'll start doing something he enjoys as his job. He'll start making money without sleeping with strangers. He'll start living a new, better life. And he'll make his saviour happy.

“Thank you.” That whisper he heard really close to his ear made him completely sure about his decision. “So… Can I explain everything to you?” Makoto pulled away, his eyes full of excitment. 

“Yes, but… Can I use the toilet first?” Asked Haruka and it might have seemed like an awkward situation, but somehow it wasn't awkward at all.

“I'm sorry! I'm a terrible host.” Makoto looked really frustrated with himself. “It's over there.” 

He showed Haruka the way to the toilet that was in the hallway. The hallway Haruka didn't see before because he was passed out when he got to the flat. 

_ Wait… Did he carry me here?  _ He looked at Makoto's board shoulders.  _ Well, it would make sense. _

“Okay, I'll leave you alone.” The green eyed man smiled nervously and left as he said.

Haruka took a deep breath and opened the door. Actually, he didn't need to use the toilet in a “normal” way. When he closed the door behind himself and shoved his hand into his pocket, he knew what this is about.

He ran out of the drug in his veins and needed a shot. 

Even though he was excited about quitting drugs a few moments ago, he was about to shoot up again. 

What a pitiful creature he was.

_ This is the last one,  _ he promised himself like he did countless times. Like many drug addicts before him did. He knew that this “promise” is a lie, yet he made himself believe it.

This is the last one.

Just one more.

I'll quit. Next time.

One day.

Suddenly he felt really guilty doing this here, in Makoto's nice flat, in a flat of the person who desperately wanted to save him from drugs. He felt filthy. Like he betrayed Makoto in some way.

It didn't stop him, though. He took his “supplies” out of his pocket - thank God they were still there - and sat down on the ground as he started preparing the drug as always, just at an unusual place. He started thinking about various things. Should he do it or not? Is he going to regret it?

But once he felt the drug running through his veins, he didn't think of anything but his ecstasy. He gasped and threw his head back, leaning on the cold wall.

And so he was high again. And so everything was forgotten.

He knew that he will need a few minutes to start working normally and that his state is noticable, but he just didn't care. He put everything back in his pocket and slowly walked to the living room, his vision wasn't really clear and he hear weird buzz in his ears. Makoto looked up from his papers with a smile.

“So you are b-” The smile disappeared, replaced by shock. Haruka knew what he saw. The small, almost invisible eye pupils and en empty look.

“What have you… What have you done?” His voice was full of pain again, his expression would break anyone's heart, but Haruka just didn't care. He forgot his promises and wills just as quickly as any other drug addict would do. Without saying anything he sat down on the couch and looked down at the carpet. All the guilt from before was gone. Forgotten. Sent away by the drug.

He was addicted, after all. And nothing could change it.

It seemed like Makoto refuses to accept it. He stood up, shaking, with this broken expression of his. “I thought… I thought you would stop.” He repeated his words again like he couldn't find the stenght to speak. “I was an idiot, right? I still am.”

His words had no effect this time. High Haruka had nothing to say to the oversensitive guy he wanted to make happy a while ago. 

Makoto sat down on the couch next to him, the pain on his face was followed by defeat. 

“Haru…” He whispered without the strong emotions this time, but his voice was still shaky. “What do you want me to do?”

Again, no answer.

Then Haruka took a deep breath.

“You can't save me.”

Makoto looked at him and opened his mouth to object, but Haruka didn't let him.

“You can't save me,” he repeated. “I'm lost. Let me die.”

Makoto shook his head almost aggresivelly. 

“Never.” He grabbed both Haruka's shoulders and started shaking his skinny weak body. “Listen to me, damn it!”

Haruka suddenly found it hard to fight with him. He didn't even want to. He just leaned on Makoto's chest and it was his way of saying “do whatever you want”. 

He felt a tight hug and a few tears running down his neck and spine. He didn't return the hug. He didn't say anything to stop the tears from falling. 

He was too far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was the 6th chapter! What did you like? What did you hate?  
> See you soon!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> This chapter took me some time, I know and I apologise. I just felt the pressure of school and my inspiration started fading away. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter anyway tho!

It took only a few more minutes for Haruka to start thinking and working normally. The drug was still racing through his veins, keeping him from a complete breakdown, but the absolute high state was gone.

He wished it could last forever.

In this state, everything was so easy. Nothing was important. Nothing was painful. He didn't have to think. He didn't have to do anything.

But now he had to think while watching the man in front of him wiping the tears from his eyes. Haruka had always seen crying as a weakness, but Makoto wasn't weak. He was actually very strong - at least that's how he appeared to Haruka. But he was really, really  _ kind. _

Haruka couldn't tell whether it's a good or a bad thing. Well, at this situation it was good for him and bad for Makoto. And that meant bad. The drug addict felt really bad for taking an advantage of this guy. Maybe that's why he agreed with the job. He knew that it would make Makoto happy, it could return the favour the light brown haired man did him.

Makoto seemed to calm down, he was oversensitive, but not pathetic. And that was nice. He looked at Haruka with his kind green eyes full of light and smiled in a way that warmed up everything around him including Haruka's cold chest. 

“I want to take you to the music company tomorrow,” he said, coming back to the previous topic. “But…” He looked nervous all of sudden, like he didn't feel comfortable with what he was saying. “We'll have to do something about your appearance.”

Haruka must have given him a confused look, because Makoto grabbed his wrist - firmly, yet softly - and led him to the huge mirror in the hallway. He let go of Haruka and stepped aside so the shorter man could look at himself.

He looked terrible. 

Well, maybe even worse than that.

His black hair was longer than ever before, falling on his shoulders in messy strands. His used-to-be-bright-blue eyes were bloodshot and empty, like the eyes of a dead person. His skin was pale, so pale it was almost unbelievable. His clothes was dirty and almost ripped apart. And he probably smelled terriblly since he hadn't taken a bath for months. He couldn't smell anything since he was used to it already, but he felt suddenly really embarrassed because of Makoto. He asked himself as countless times before - why did he take a dirty homeless drug addict to his place? 

“You are right,” he said in the end, afraid to face his saviour. “But how?”

“How?” Makoto repeated, surprised by the question. “Well, I'll lead you to my bathroom and you can take a long warm bath. How does it sound?”

Haruka sighed. It sounded  _ perfect.  _ He missed bathing and being clean more than he thought. “If you don't mind-”

“Of course I don't. Stop worrying already.” The smile on Makoto's face was audible. And Haruka really stopped worrying.

But there was one more thing.

“Uhm… Do you have scissors?” Haruka turned at Makoto who was still standing behind him.

“Scissors?” Makoto stepped closer with a really concerned expression. “Why?”

Haruka pointed at his extremely long hair. 

“Oh…” The green eyes filled with understanding and relief. “The bathroom is next to the toilet. I'll be right back.” With those words he left, probably went looking for the scissors. Haruka avoided looking at himself in the mirror this time and headed right to the bathroom, feeling really excited about the bath. 

The bathroom was huge - only for one reason. So the unbelievable big tub would fit in it. Haruka had never seen such a big bathtub and he couldn't think of anything better to do right now than spending hours inside. He immediately turned the triggers on, letting the hot water run right into the tub. He started undressing inpatiently. Makoto probably removed his black winter coat before. Now off with the dirty jacket, off with the used-to-be-blue T-shirt, off with his pants full of blood and drug stains as well as just usual dirt from the streets. Then he also removed his socks that were just dirt and nothing more. Suddenly he was standing in the middle of the huge sparkling bathroom in only his boxers that weren't in the best state either.

As he glanced towards the hill of dirty disgusting clothes, he was seriously ashamed of himself. 

He heard a knock on the door and remembered that Makoto was supposed to bring him the scissors. 

“Wait a second!” He raised his voice as he quickly stepped closer to his clothes and took his “supplies” out of his pocket. A few long seconds he didn't know where to hide it, but then decided to shove it under the closet next to the washbowl. “Come in!” He said, feeling a little weird. It was Makoto's flat, Makoto's bathroom, after all. 

The said man entered the bathroom with a kind smile on his face. If he was disgusted by Haruka's terrible state, he didn't let him know. He kept smiling despite the dirt and the terrible smell. Makoto handed him the scissors - it was normal scissors for cutting paper, but Haruka knew they will be good for hair too - while stepping even closer to Haruka. He didn't seem to be bothered by his filthiness at all. Haruka could hear only his heartbeat and water running into the tub behind him.

“Do you need anything else?” Makoto asked and gave him a slightly worried look.

“No, I'm fine,” Haruka mumbled, taking the scissors. “Thank you.”

“Anytime. Just call me if you need me.” With this Makoto left again and Haruka was sure he won't call, even though he would like to. 

With a sigh he placed the scissors on the closet and turned around to turn off the triggers. The tub was full of warm water and it was almost calling him to get inside. He quickly found some kind of bath salt that was supposed to smell like coconut and magnolia and added some of it to the water. Then he finally stepped inside, soon sitting down and letting the water surround him.

It felt  _ amazing. _

He literally groaned when the hot water touched his dirty, all the time cold body. Being able to take a bath made him almost cry.

What a pitiful creature he had become.

He sunk completely, holding his breath and hiding every part of his body in the tub. He rested like this for a few seconds and then sat up again, gasping for air. He eas just sitting in the hot water with his eyes closed for a while and then he started washing his body and hair.

He spent like an hour in the tub and when he left, the water was almost black as it was full of dirt. He unplugged the tub, still feeling a little embarrassed. 

Soon he realised that he has nothing to wear. For now he wrapped a towel around his hips but that was only a temporary solution. He thought of asking Makoto later, because he just couldn't walk around naked.

He looked at himself in the mirror above the washbowl and found out that now his wet hair looks even longer. 

He took the scissors he left on the closet with a determined look and started cutting long strands of hair off. They were falling into the sink, slowly filling it. Finally he managed to create a haircut that looked like the one he had before running away from home. Short and quite elegant. 

He sighed in relief when he saw himself looking like… well, himself. He cleaned up the sink and dried himself completely. Now what.

Well, the best thing would be ti ask Makoto. So he wrapped the towel around himself again and headed to the living room, shaking a bit when the cold air touched his skin. When he entered the room, he saw Makoto putting a CD in his stereo. 

The green eyed man turned to face Haruka and when he did, his smile froze, his eyes widened and he made a few really fast steps towards him. He then grabbed both Haruka's shoulders, his grip was very tight, not painful, but tight and Haruka gasped in panic, his body froze and he stepped aside, trembling. His heart was beating really fast and he found it hard to breathe all of sudden. 

“Please no…” He almost whined, not able to protect himself.

Makoto quickly let go of him with a confused look in his eyes. Haruka tried his best to cover his shaking body with his hands, feeling exposed, attacked. When Makoto saw the fear and disgust in Haruka's eyes, he finally understood and his own bright green eyes filled with tears. He looked down and his voice sounded really weird, like he was in pain. 

“I… I just wanted to say that - that you'll catch a cold if you walk around like this.” He kept looking away, his face full of guilt and pain. “I'm sorry.”

Haruka couldn't believe that he panicked a while ago, afraid that this man will rape him. Makoto was  _ too  _ nice and pure. But the way his eyes widened and he got closer to touch him all of sudden and Haruka expected the primitive hunger in Makoto's eyes and rough touches on his own body.

Instead there was a broken face and nervous lip biting. 

Haruka was quite surprised by his own reaction, but he had been in too many situations similar to this, just with different men who wanted only one thing from him and didn't hesitate to take it, therefore he didn't expect anything else. Some of them had unusual interests, weird, sadistic, disgusting. They would take him when he didn't expect it, rape him, choke him, make him pretend to like it all.

“Don't apologise.  _ I  _ am sorry,” Haruka said when his body stopped trembling.

“I don't want to hurt you…” Makoto finally looked at him, his huge eyes were sad, but sincere.

“I know… I know.” Haruka wanted to let him know that he doesn't find him disgusting nor scary, but the words couldn't escape his mouth. 

“You'll catch a cold,” said Makoto in the ebf and seemed to return to his usual self.

“I don't have any clothes.”

“I know. Just come- wait here,” Makoto changed his mind quickly and left. He went probably to his bedroom.

And Haruka was waiting. His body was trembling again, but this time it was caused by cold. Makoto was back rather quickly, carrying a pile of clothes.

“I'm sorry, I can borrow you only my clothes and they will probably be a little big on you,” he said with an apologetical smile as he handed the clothes over to Haruka.

“Thank you,” the raven haired man whispered and took the clothes that smelled so good he wanted to bury his face in them immediately. “And… What should I do with my old clothes? “ he asked, remembering the dirty… things he left in the bathroom.

“Don't worry, I'll take care of it,” said Makoto with another Makoto-like smile and Haruka was even more thankful than before. “I'll let you dress up,” he then said quickly, obviously nervous and rushed to the bathroom.

Haruka didn't hesitate to drop the towel. Then he found underwear in the pile of clothes - it was (obviously Makoto's) black boxers, too big for Haruka, but they touched his skin really softly and the feeling of wearing this piece of clothes made him blush slightly. Then he put on white socks, a grey T-shirt and blue jeans. Everything was too big just as Makoto said. But he felt comfortable and clean and the clothes smelled really good. He picked up the towel and put it on the couch.

Makoto was still gone, sobhe walked over to his red guitar the owner of this flat put in the corner of the living room. He softly touched the strings and let a few tones sound through the room. Then he frowned. The guitar was off-key. He sat down on the couch with the guitar in his hands and took some time to tune it. He wasn't satisfied until every tone was clean and perfect. 

When he was done, he caressed the guitar lovingly. As he was putting it back to the corner, he noticed Makoto standing at the door.

“Your guitar's sound is just beautiful,” he said and Haruka suddenly smiled, it was a small but real smile and his face felt weird as he wasn't used to it.

“I know,” he said simply. Makoto seemed really shocked for a while, staring at him and blinking, but then he smiled back.

“I hope you don't mind that I threw all of your clothes away…” A small guilt got into Makoto's voice again.

“I wanted to do it anyway,” Haruka shrugged.

“Those clothes look good on you.”

“Too big,” the black haired boy mumbled, a little nervous. 

“Yeah. We'll have to get you something to wear.” Makoto started putting on his coat. 

“Wait… Now?” 

“I thought I'll take you to the company in the morning,” Makoto explained and handed him the black coat that was the only piece of Haruka's clothes that wasn't in a terrible state. “Or you don't feel like it?”

Haruka took the coat and put it on. “Let's go.” Then he blinked as he realised something. “I don't know if I have enough money. I mean…” He put his hands in his pockets. “I have a few Euros but-”

“I'll pay for it,” Makoto cut him off.

“But I don't want to-”

“As long as you live with me, you won't have to pay for such things as clothes and food.” Makoto sounded determined.

“I don't want to take advantage of-”

“Shush already. We can discuss it once you get a job.”

With this they left the flat, Makoto locked the door and together they walked down the street.

“So… I haven't asked you yet.” Makoto broke the silence between them. “How long… How long have you been on drugs?”

“Six months. Wait no, seven. What month is it?”

“November.”

“Oh, then it's been eight months.” Haruka was honest and didn't even know why. “I ran away from home like a year ago. The day I turned 18, actually.”

“Wait, you are 19?!” Makoto's voice sounded really shocked. Haruka looked up to meet his widened eyes. 

“Yes,” he said with one of his eyebrows raised. 

“You look older…” 

The rest of their walk was quiet. Makoto seemed to run out of conversation topics and Haruka simply felt better this way.

Suddenly the raven haired boy started recognising things around him. He didn't even have to ask where they are going, because he knew that place very well. It was Potsdammer platz.

It was a weird feeling to imagine that he could just walk away from Makoto and go buy a shot. And the weirdest thing was that he didn't do it. He kept walking by the taller man's side, turning his head away from the place where he usually met his dealer.

“How old are you?” He asked suddenly, feeling Makoto's surprised look on his profile but kept staring at the sidewalk under his feet.

“I'm 26.”

“You… You look younger.”

“Thank you.” He could feel the warm smile in this sentence. “And we are here.” Haruka looked up to see a huge shopping centre. It had usual stores in it - supermarkets, stores with clothes, boutiques, fast foods, etc. 

It was also really crowded and Haruka wasn't a fan of crowded places, but this time he wasn't alone.

Maybe for the first time in his life he wasn't alone.

He didn't trust Makoto, of course he didn't. He spent too much time in the streets, too much time without anyone to lean on, but something about this man made him feel calm and comfortable. And he realised that he treasures this feeling.

Makoto dragged him into one of the stores with clothes. Haruka was quite nervous since he had no experiences with this thing, he had never been interested in fashion and most importantly, he still looked like a drug addict. He still  _ was  _ a drug addict. He felt weird looks of the shop assistants on himself. Or did he only imagine that? No, they just had to judge him, there was no doubt. And they also had to judge Makoto for bringing such filth into their precious store.

While Haruka kept getting himself more and more anxious with those thoughts, Makoto, not knowing a thing, started choosing clothes for him. Soon he was holding a pile of various clothes. 

“Let's go try those on!” He said with an excited smile, pushing Haruka towards the changing rooms.

“I… I think we should leave…”

Makoto's smile disappeared so quickly Haruka immediately regretted saying those words.

“Are you feeling uncomfortable?”

“I'm just… They shouldn't see us together.”

“Oh.” Makoto looked down, his face seemed gloomy.

“They might think that you are like me,” Haruka mumbled, scolding himself mentally for making the situation worse. He wanted to run away so badly…

“It's okay.” Now the voice of his saviour was really calming. “It's all okay. They don't know anything. They don't care. They are just people working here or buying things. So it's okay. Let's buy you some clothes and leave.”

Haruka slowly nodded, feeling the nervousness fade away. 

It's all okay, it's all okay it's all okay it'sallokay

_ I wish it was all okay _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Hate it? Tell me your opinion! Feedback is really important to me especially now when I'm insecure about my writing (and characters because sgshdhd Makoto seems quite OOC to me, I've never really tried to write him before-). This chapter was kinda descriptive and that's the weakest part of my writing.   
> Okay, so, thank you for reading and see you soon!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> This chap took me some time again, but I've been unexpectedly busy lately (had to participate in stuff like life and school it's terrible).   
> I managed to write this in the end, I wanted to fit more stuff in this chapter, but didn't really want to make it longer than usual chapters (especially when I'm already quite late with the update). I promise the next chap will include the music company and will be full of more interesting things!

Makoto seemed to have the ability of choosing the right stuff for Haruka. All of the clothes he brought to the changing room looked like they were made for him. 

Colour of the T-shirts Makoto chose was mostly all shades of blue. When he gave Makoto a questionong look, the older man just smiled and said: “Blue suits you. It’s like your eyes.”

The outfit they (=Makoto) chose in the end was a blue T-shirts and black pamts. Then they bought an ordinary black sweater and Haruka decided to keep his old coat, so they didn’t have to care about that. The last thing they got - to Haruka’s strange unreasonable embarrassment - were a few pairs of boxers and socks.

When Haruka put his new clothes on - it was Makoto’s idea, he said it would be much more comfortable than the borrowed clothes - the other man took some time to admire him.

“It looks awesome on you, Haru,” he whispered and stepped closer, his hand moved forward and it looked like he is about to touch him, to caress his cheek-

Makoto scratched his head and smiled at the raven haired boy. “Really awesome.”

Haruka looked away in embarrassment, mumbling a simple “thanks”.

 

***

 

Haruka was really thankful for rain. Makoto was planning to stay outside for a while and if it didn’t start raining, he would want to walk around the city and Haruka didn’t think he could handle that. 

Now he was hiding in the bathroom in Makoto’s safe flat and that was the only thing that kept him sane. Once it started getting dark, he was automatically getting ready for sleeping outside. The change of his routine made him really nervous and he started overthinking. 

Realising that the filthy things like not bathing for weeks or months, sleeping with strangers, living on the street, shooting up every day were a normal part of his life compared to Makoto’s completely normal life was like getting slapped really hard. Those things were so normal for him he couldn’t imagine anything else - like when Makoto talked about him sleeping on the futon while letting Haruka use his bed. No, he didn’t expect this at all. He thought this “fairy tale” is going to end soon and he will be kicked outside, back where he belonged.

That was what he deserved, at least. In the end he managed to convince Makoto to give him the futon instead of the bed - how rude and selfish would it be to just use Makoto for his own needs? Also futon was like a five star hotel for him since he spent over a year sleeping on the ground.

And his thoughts kept spinning around and getting faster until he felt like he can’t breathe. When he started shaking, he fianlly realised that all the overthinking was caused by the upcoming withdrawal.

Since now he had been sitting on the bathroom floor but after his body started trembling, he laid down on his stomach and started crawling towards the closet under which he hid his supplies. For a while he felt unreasonable suffocating fear, he was afraid that the drug disappeared - and he felt almost crazy happiness when his hand caught the objects he knew better than he should.

He quickly prepared the drug, hardly noticing the weird grin on his face. It was like he met an old friend and forgot about everything else. And maybe that wasn’t even a metaphore.

He finally stabbed the syringe into his vein and wanted to shoot up, but couldn’t push the piston - the vein was stuffed. He didn’t even have to think about it that much to know that it was a thrombosis - probably.  

Not like he cared. Everything he cared about at the moment was getting the clear liquid inside his veins. He pulled the syringe out of his hand and a few drops of blood fell on the floor of Makoto’s light clean bathroom. Now he just had to find some other vein. It wasn’t that easy though, the one he had always been using was the most visible one and it was difficut to hit the others, but he managed to do it in the end and exhaled deeply as the well known wave of pleasure ran through his body.

When his limbs stopped shaking and he was able to get up, he felt chills of horror run down his spine. This was the last drug he had. If he doesn’t sneak out and get more, he’ll spend the whole following day in a withdrawal. 

And Makoto wanted to take him to the company.

He waved that away in the end - he will have a lot of time to think about it. Now he was focused on not making the same mistake as earlier today. He knew that he needs some time before he will look “normal” and not like after a shot. That’s why he slowly cleaned up the mess on the floor he created and took a long shower. When he looked at himself in the mirror, he was satisfied - nobody could tell that he is high unless they were drug addicts themselves. Or simply near drugs. And Makoto was none of them. 

He met the problem from earlier again - he didn’t have any clothes to sleep in. He usually slept in the clothes he wore all the time but he didn’t think it would be the best idea. He just wrapped a towel around himself like before. He will just sleep naked if needed.

He walked to the bedroom Makoto showed him before the raven haired boy went to the bathroom. His futon was ready and his host was busy looking for something in his wardrobe.

Haruka shifted his weight from one leg to the other one nervously. Should he cough to get his attention? Or just wait…?

Makoto finally turned away from the wardrobe with a baggy T-shirt that probably belonged to him and Haruka’s new boxers in his hands and a triumphal smile on his face.

“I got you some sleeping clothes!” He said in a kind voice, still grinning and he looked so nice and innocent Haruka suddenly felt bad for lying to him.

_ Wasn’t I supposed to be high? _

“Thank you…” His voice was quiet, yet it filled the room somehow and he suddenly felt so insecure and jeopardized.

_ This drug must have been weird or something. _

He grabbed the clothes Makoto gave him and let the towel fall on the ground so he could put them on. When he did so, he heard a shocked gasp. His eyes found Makoto who was looking away, obviously uncomfortable.

“I thought- I thought you hate it when people see you naked,” the brunette said and looked down at his feet.

“It’s nothing new to me,” Haruka shrugged and put his boxers on. “Besides… Wouldn’t you like me to pay you back?”

“Pay me back?” Makoto blinked in confusion and looked at his guest without any uncomfortable or shocked expressions this time.

“You know… You took me to your place, bought me clothes, let me stay here overnight… I don’t have money, but I can pay you with my body.” With those words he put on Makoto’s T-shirt and it smelled as good as the clothes he borrowed before. When he didn’t get any response, he glanced over to the other man to find out that his eyes are widened, his jaw dropped and his cheeks flushed red. He looked so shocked, so  _ innocent _ , Haruka couldn’t even believe it.

And that was when he realised that. Makoto wasn’t like the other men who took him home and sometimes tried to act nicely. Yet he kept seeing him that way. Accidentally, automatically.

“I - I said I don’t want you to… pay me back!” Makoto exclaimed, looking quite flustered. “Even if I accepted something like that… Oh god, please, not  _ that _ way.”

Perfect. Now Makoto was disgusted by him and Haruka was actually disgusted as well. He hated himself so much, even more than before at the moment.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a surprisingly shaky voice.

“It’s okay.” Makoto’s expression softened to become sad a few seconds after that. “Just… Please… Don’t say such things ever again.”

Haruka simply nodded, feeling so guilty he couldn’t even say anything.

Makoto smiled, obviously satisfied with this kind of answer and grabbed his own T-shirt and boxers for sleeping. “I’ll be right back, but you don’t have to wait for me.” With this he headed to the bathroom.

Haruka was staring at the wall for a while, thinking about everything he did wrong a while ago and why the drug doesn’t work like it should. Then he stood up and flipped the light switch off.

He could have never slept with the lights on. It seriously bothered him. Even back then when he still lived with his parents. He got used to the sounds of the city at night, but never to light.

Now he laid down on the futon, covering himself with the blankets - something he almost forgot how feels - and closed his eyes, ready to sleep and forget everything for a few hours.

However, the unusual place didn’t let him fall asleep that easily. He was lying on the futon and listening to the rain banging on the windows. It was somehow really calming, even though he didn't need to calm down, that's why he was high, right? Yet he decided to absolutely drown in the song of the rain and slowly fell asleep and the last thing he heard was Makoto's quiet careful steps as he entered the room.

 

***

 

He woke up early, it was still pretty dark outside. What time is it…? Haruka got up as quietly as possible - he didn't want to wake up Makoto who was still asleep and Haruka could see his peaceful expression even in the dark room. He was also snoring, not in the annoying way though - it was quiet and soft, more like  _ purring. _

Haruka shook his head to forget about his sleeping host and stumbled out of the bedroom. The door led to the hallway that was unexpectedly cold but the body of the drug addict didn't react to cold nor discomfort anymore.

He was looking for the clock to find out what time it is - his journey led him to the kitchen where he hoped some kind of clock is. And there it was, a simple digital clock placed on the microwave.

4:34 am.

Haruka had no idea when Makoto usually wakes up, but he guessed it can't be so early. Surely not before 6 am so he had some time.

Quickly he walked over to the bathroom where he started dressing in his new clothes. Then he took his syringe and spoon from under the closet and put it in his pocket. In the entrance hall he put on his coat and took a deep breath. For some reason he felt guilty and nervous - like he was a little kid doing something forbidden. Well, he was doing something forbidden. He was sure Makoto would kick him out if he caught him sneaking out to get drugs.

Or worse - he would be sad and the broken expression would appear on his face again.

That's why Haruka couldn't get caught. 

He placed his hand on the door knob and opened the door - at least he tried to. The door was locked. 

Haruka felt strong waves of panic forming in his chest. He won't be able to get out, to get his drug, it's over, it's over-

He bit his lip so hard it started bleeding in an attempt to calm himself down and start  _ thinking.   _

Of course the door will be locked. His family used to lock the door at night as well - so the filth from the streets couldn't get inside. This caused Haruka to smirk. There already was filth from the streets at Makoto's place - no need to lock the door.

He started looking around, there was a lot of shelves on the walls, full of usual home-like stuff such as decorations, calendars, to-do lists, etc. But Haruka didn't need any of those things, the only thing he was looking for was - oh, there it is.

A spare key.

(At least that's what he assumed, the main key was probably in Makoto's pocket and this one was buried under a bunch of stuff.)

He unlocked the door, biting his lip anytime the key against the locker made a noise.

When he finally sneaked out, he felt like a strange weight was lifted from his chest. He kept holding his breath the entire time. Why? It wasn't like he couldn't take care of himself if Makoto really did kick him out. He had never been this careful - sneaking out secretly, hding  the evidence of being high… 

_ He gives you money, food and a place to live, so you are playing a good boy, huh?  _ A sharp voice in his head commented on his confused thoughts.

Haruka knew that he seriously needs a shot. He took the spare key and a bigger key he found next to it (that one was probably to the entrance door of the building). Now he had to hurry up if he wanted to get out and back in high before Makoto wakes up.

The first issue was money. He started making plans on how to get it, but when he put his hand in the pocket of his coat, he found a bank note - money he got from Makoto and didn't want to spend on drugs. But he didn't have a choice, did he?

He didn't have time to go to Potsdamer platz and find his dealer so he decided to explore the drug scene in this part of the city. He refused to accept that he will probably end up failing, because he didn't know anyone here. He was separated from the things he knew. Absolutely lost.

No, no, he had to find someone… Anyone…

It was too early. There was no one in the streets except for people hurrying to work. No drug addicts and most importantly,  _ no dealers. _

Haruka started panicking. He won't be able to get the drug, he doesn't have enough time, he won't get high and then- Then-

No, he  _ must  _ get the drug, he  _ needs  _ it.

His breathing got faster and heavier as he was running around in an attempt to find a dealer. He couldn't afford losing any second of his time, but the time had no mercy. 

Finally, he saw a man standing in the end of the street. He had a blue kerchief that was hanging out of his pocket - the secret signal of dealers. They had to change it pretty often, so the cops weren't suspicious.

Haruka could see that this guy is an amateur (judging from his nervousness and the fact that he was in the streets this early) but it was his only and last hope. 

The guy's eyes widened and he held up his hands in defense when he saw the junkie walking fast towards him. He was maybe even younger than Haruka.

“Please, don't hurt me,” he almost squealed.

“I won't hurt you,” Haruka growled and stopped in front of that wannabe dealer person, getting slightly irritated. “I'm a  _ customer. _ ”

“Oh, sure.” The guy started patting his pocket and it took him a while to find what he was looking for - a plastic bag full of smaller, miniature plastic bags that had white powder inside. He seriously took that all out in the daylight, in the street.  _ Seriously, is he an idiot? _

Haruka couldn't care less though. The price was too high, ridiculous even and he didn't know anything about this “dealer” nor the drug he was selling, but he just needed to buy his morning shot.

He didn't know this place, therefore he had no idea where yo find public toilets - and there was no time for that. He just hid behind a car that was parked actually pretty close to the building where Makoto's flat was, but the shot was the only thing that mattered.

Finally, he (calm and more confident) could return to the place he currently lived at and pretend to be a normal, healthy and still sleeping person. The fear from before was gone now when he was high, but he was still careful and did his best to be really quiet. 

He got undressed and put everything back to its place, including the keys. Then he got the clothes he slept in and before he did anything else, he walked to the kitchen and checked the time.

5:47 am.

Satisfied, he returned to the bedroom and laid down on the futon again, pretending that nothing had happened, that he had been there the entire time, listening to the peaceful breathing near him.

At 6:00 am Makoto's alarm went off.

Haruka was really, really lucky that his guess was right and he made it back before that.

The alarm was just simple beeping, not the annoying kind, just loud enough to wake people up. Makoto sat up on his bed immediately and reached for the alarm to turn it off.

When the beeping stopped, Makoto turned his still sleepy face to the side and gave Haruka a big smile before he yawned. 

“Good morning, Haru. Were you already awake?”

“I woke up a while ago,” Haruka lied and suddenly felt really, really weird. Could it be… guilt?

“Are you ready for the big day?”

Haruka suddenly found Makoto's smile irritating. Why did he have to feel guilty for protecting himself from suffering in the form of a withdrawal? Why would he regret doing something that was completely normal for him? He had done what was needed. He didn't need to feel bad for his actions.

“Yeah,” he said simply, not ready at all, but that was never going to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, what do you think about this chapter? Did you like it? Did you hate it?  
> Aand thank you all for your amazing comments!!! Seriously, I'm that kind of person who loses motivation all the time and your kind words really help me to keep writing. Thank you!!!  
> See you soon!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!  
> I'm back with the new chap and I don't even know how long it's been since I posted the last one because I've been confused about the time lately. Anyway, i won't say much this time, just that I hope you'll enjoy this and I really apologise for the mistakes and typos you might find because I'm not at the best state righ tnow (I'm sick and had a super long extra Math lesson today and that killed me, I'm sorry).  
> Anyway, enjoy!

They had to travel by the subway, but only a few stations since Makoto lived pretty close to the Heimat Records building. 

It had been a long time since Haruka used the subway for the last time.

And he didn’t miss it at all.

It wasn’t very comfortable since he didn’t want to lose Makoto in the crowd, therefore he had to stand next to him all the time and also - he had the guitar on his back.

There was too many people, pressed against each other, against him, the train was like a huge tin can filled with people. And they were staring at him with those weird faces and he felt uncomfortale, scared even. His body felt heavy and suddenly he couldn’t breathe, his ears were filled with strange buzz, the ceiling started falling down and-

Strong arms pulled him into a warm tight embrace.

Makoto pushed Haruka’s head onto his chest carefully. “Close your eyes,” he said quietly and when it was done, he covered Haruka’s ears.

He couldn’t hear nor see anything, all he could focus on was the warmth of Makoto’s body, his sweet yet manly scent and the arms holding him like they wanted to protect him… And now Haruka’s breathing was calmer, his body stopped trembling, the world stopped falling apart.

His fear disappeared.

Makoto didn’t do almost anything, yet he made the panic go away. It was like a magic trick.

The train stopped at their station and they had to stop hugging, but Makoto grabbed Haruka’s hand and led him out of the train, out of the station, just outside where he could finally breathe. His grip was firm, but not uncomfortable - the big warm soft hand contrasted with Haruka’s cold smaller one.

When they walked up the stairs and left the station completely, Makoto let go of his hand and started walking down the street. Haruka joined him without hesitation - he didn’t have any other choice, after all.

“How did you do that?” The black haired boy asked after a few steps they made in silence.

“Do what?” Makoto turned his face to him, but Haruka didn’t look up to meet his eyes, he just kept staring at the sidewalk under his feet. 

“When you calmed me down.”

“Oh, that…”

Now Haruka did look up because Makoto took some time before he answered. He could see only his profile, but he couldn’t just  _ not  _ see that sad smile.

“Let’s just say that I’ve got some experiences.” 

That was the less honest thing Makoto had said since they met. But it wasn’t hard to understand that he just doesn’t want to talk about it.

“You know… I used to know someone… My girlfriend…” Makoto took a deep breath. “The girl I was dating in high school. She used to have panic attacks, sometimes in public because of people, sometimes it came all of sudden. I know a few things. How to help.” Now he was the one staring down and up an everywhere, avoiding the other’s eyes.

“Is she okay now?” Haruka was actually a little curious now.

“Yeah, I guess she is.” Makoto finally looked at him with this heartbreaking sad smile. “She is dead.”

Haruka had never been a social person, but this was the biggest problem. Reacting to this kind of stuff. Is he supposed to say “I’m sorry”? But this always sounds so fake, it’s just a phrase. People don’t even like to hear it. Most people don’t even mean it. It’s just something that should be said, they say it out of habit.

Yeah, I’m sorry. Aren’t we all?

“She killed herself. Her parents called me a few minutes after they found her in the bathroom, I-”

“Stop.”

Haruka place his hand on Makoto’s shoulder firmly enough to make him stop, looking right into his eyes, the green depths were filled with such sadness it made him feel something he couldn’t really recognise.

“Stop thinking about it.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s all in the past.” Makoto shook his head, ready to just leave this conversation.

“You shouldn’t forget. But don’t torture yourself with those thoughts.”

Makoto seemed uncomfortable, but Haruka wanted,  _ needed  _ to tell him this.

“I’m just… If I was a better boyfriend-”

“It’s not your fault. She was tired. She just wanted to sleep.”

Makoto gulped visibly. “I… I guess so.”

“Sorry.” Haruka felt like he made it all even worse. He just wanted Makoto to stop feeling sad. To stop feeling guilty. Then Makoto looked at him again with a really serioius expression. 

“Do you still want to sleep?”

The raven haired boy blinked twice before he got it. “I’m… I’m not tired at the moment.”

The sweet smile returned to the other’s face. “I’m glad. I really am.”

Haruka didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t that happy about it.

So the next five? Eight? Ten minutes? were silent before they finally reached the Heimat Records and-

“Wow,” was all that escaped Haruka’s mouth. When Makoto told him about his job, he imagined a smile studio with a very few people really interested in music, doing it more as a hobby than as a job. This was a huge professional looking building, the words “Heimat Records” were all big and shiny in a neon purple colour, contrasting with the white colour of the building. One floor was made from glass so Haruka could see offices and people inside. 

It was impressive.

“Do you like it?” Makoto seemed both nervous and proud.  _ Gotta love your job, huh? _

“Yes… It looks… I don’t know.”

“Awesome?” suggested Makoto with a chuckle.

“Yes.”

“I can’t wait to show you what’s inside! And I’m sure my boss will love your music.” Makoto was like a little kid on Christmas.

“Wait.” Haruka grabbed the other’s wrist and squeezed it maybe more than he originally planned. “I’ll have to sing in front of someone…?”

“Only if you feel like it.” Makoto made him let go gently. “You won’t have to do anything you don’t want.”

The memories of this morning somehow found their way to Haruka’s mind and he felt guilty again. It was ridiculous. 

“Let’s go,” he just said and made the first step towards the entrance door. 

“I’m happy that you are so excited, but I’m the only  one who can get inside.” Makoto teased him with another soft chuckle and took the keys out of his pocket. There was a chip on the key ring. He pressed it against thespot next to the electronic ring and the door made a buzzy noise that let the older man know that he can open it.

And with the door, a whole new life opened for Haruka.

The entrance hall reminded him more of a normal company, but what did he know anyway? Makoto waved at the receptionist (a young, relatively pretty brown haired woman dressed in a shirt with the letters HR on it) and she smiled - probably a natural reaction to his aura.

“Mr. Yamazaki is expecting you,” she said - it all seemed like in the movies Haruka remembered from his “old lfe”.

“I’d be worried if he didn’t,” said Makoto and it made the receptionist giggle - Haruka had no idea why. Then she looked at the raven haired boy as they were walking past her and he could almost feel her curious stare. Isn’t she supposed to be professional or something?

“New talent?”

Makoto didn’t answer right away, he pressed the elevator button and waited for the elevator to come down. When the cabin arrived, he just pushed Haruka inside - not roughly though, just enough for the boy to make a few steps inside the elevator - and looked back at the woman.

“He is special.”

Then he stepped inside the cabin as well and the door closed. He pressed the “4th floor” button and the elevator Haruka hoped that his face didn’t turn red, even though his inner reaction would fit this expression. To get rid of those thoughts he focused on how the elevator looked like. Even this thing looked fancy in this building. It was all shiny, silver and there was a huge mirror on the side walls.

A really nice song was playing from the speakers on the ceiling. Haruka closed his eyes and listened to it. It had been a long time since he heard clear music - except his own -  for the last time. This music made his body relax and his mind wander. He liked spending time near the big shopping centres because he could hear the music there, but it wasn’t the same as this. The singer sounded like a young and really talented woman. The music was probably pop - rock or something like that and she was singing about love.

“You like this song?”

Haruka opened his eyes and his body froze in shock - he almost forgot that Makoto is here with him. “Yeah,” he mumbled.

“I discovered this band and asked them to come here. And they did. Now they are becoming more and more famous in Germany and other countries as well.” Again, the pride in his eyes. “They used to play in little pubs here in Berlin. I ran into them accidentally when my friend talked me into going for a drink with him. I’m really glad I did, because the moment I saw them I knew that they are meant to be famous and succesful.”

Suddenly, Haruka didn’t like the song that much. He couldn’t tell why but it didn’t sound good to him anymore. He was glad that they finally reached the 4th floor and could get out.

The floor was just a huge hallway with four doors that had labels on it. “Studio 1”, “Studio 2”, etcetera.

“There are only studios on this floor,” Makoto explained. “The offices are above and under this floor.” Then he unlocked the door of “Studio 2”.

It was a real music studio. With all the microphones and speakers and mixing consoles. The room had two parts - one with the technical stuff and the other had only a microphone and a chair. 

There was a sofa in the first part of the room and Makoto told Haruka to sit down and wait.

“I’ll bring my boss,” he said and walked away, leaving Haruka in this… amazing room alone.

He couldn’t believe it. Yeah, being here didn’t mean anything, but to him it did. He remembered some silly dreams from his past when he wanted to be known for his music. He imagined dealing with his weird anxiety and then showing people all the music he had in his head and making people feel the nice things music made him feel too.

It was really silly, wasn’t it?

Well, now he was here, too worn out to feel anything. He knew that his life was ridiculous. Could this new chance really change it? Or is he going to screw it up as he did many times before?

“- my point is that it’s extremely dangerous. Do you know anything about him? Expect for his name and age?” An unknown male voice interrupted his thoughts.

“No, but-” 

“For god’s sake, Makoto, he is a  _ junkie _ . Those people are the worst!”

“Listen to me, I-”

“He’ll steal your money and run away as soon as he gets the chance. Or even worse, he will kill-”

“Stop. All I asked you to do was to listen to his music, so stop judging my life and decisions.” Makoto sounded really annoyed, it was almost unbeliavable.

“Your fucking decisions, I swear-”

It wasn’t hard to guess who was the conversation about. If Haruka felt a little good a while ago, it was gone now. The man was right, after all. He was nothing but filth.

But he wouldn’t do any of those… things the man was talking about. Haruka was judged, judged by someone who didn’t even know him and it made him feel terrible. 

The door opened and Haruka looked up to see Makoto and another man walk in. The man was tall, even taller than Makoto and his hair was black brown. His eyes were green, but it wasn’t the same green as Makoto’s. Makoto’s eyes were kind and warm, while those eyes were cold and distant. 

“Hey, kid,” the man said and Haruka almost growled. 

“Hey,” he answered and swallowed “old man”, that almost escaped his mouth.

“Uhm, this is my boss-”

“Yamazaki. Sousuke Yamazaki.” The man interrupted Makoto without hesitation. Haruka had to admit that his aura was quite impressive - that didn’t make him like this man at all, though. “And you are?”

“Haruka.” He felt like running away, this atmosphere wasn’t comfortable at all.

“I need your whole name, kid.”

“Haruka Nanase.” He almost cringed at his whole name that unnecessarily reminded him of his past. ”And I’m not a kid,” he added in a really cold voice. That seemed to impress Yamazaki a little bit. 

“Alright then. Show me what you’ve got.” The boss pointed at the second part of the room, the actual studio with the microphone and chair.

“You don’t have to…” Makoto joined the conversation, but Haruka just shook his head and got up. This guy wants to see what he’s got? He’ll fucking show him what he’s got then.

He entered the second part of the room and closed the door behind himself. The atmosphere  in there was strange but nice and the acoustic was perfect. Haruka took the guitar down from his back and sat down on the chair. Then he pulled the microphone closer to his mouth. He had no idea what he was doing, but it couldn’t be that hard, right?

Then he played a few tones, but it didn’t sound right so he took some time to tune it. He wasn’t nervous at all, it was just him and his guitar again - and why would be nervous about that?

When the guitar was tuned, he cleared his throat and then…

Then he started playing the chords of his new song. He didn’t have to write them down to remember them - they were coming straight out of his heart, after all.

And then he started singing.

He had never thought of the way he sings. He didn’t know how he does that. He just sings. That’s all. 

Now he was singing too, the words that were so personal, too personal to be published, yet he felt no shame.

There was nothing but him and the song at the moment.

And he felt free.

When the song ended, he just got up and with the guitar in his hands he left the room.

Makotoo and Yamazaki were waiting for him with really strange expressions on their faces. Haruka frowned a bit, about to ask them what’s wrong, but then Yamazaki spoke up.

“Oh my god. Oh my fucking god. I have a really good reason to trust you, Makoto.” The boss sat down on the sofa and exhaled. “Nanase, you are  _ amazing _ . Now stop that junkie shit of yours and start singing professionaly instead.”

“I don’t know…” Haruka looked down, a little uncomfortable again. He wasn’t used to this kind of stuff at all.

“Our company wants you. You can be our number one. We need you, I’ve never met anyone this talented before. Damn, Makoto, tell him something.” Now Yamazaki stopped being cocky and it seemed like he is about to beg on his knees.

“It’s his decision.”

Haruka looked at Makoto and saw the warm smile of his. Makoto won’t force him to do anything. He said that Haruka can live at his place if he joins the company, but… would Makoto really kick him out if he refused?

He remembered his silly dream again.

“I’ll do it.”

“Haru, are you sure-”

“That’s great! One of the best days in the history of this company. Let’s get to work now!” Yamazaki seemed to be really excited now when Haruka agreed to work for his company. “I’ll let Makoto be your producer, but I wanna be a part of this thing. Now come to my office.”

He couldn’t really object, could he?

***

In Yamazaki’s office he had to sign some papers and fill his date of birth and all thos official things. It was boring and uncomfortable, Haruka was really glad it was all over now.

Also he got some  “homework” from Yamazaki.

“Did you write that song yourself?” The boss asked when they were sitting against each other in the office.

“Yes.”

“Can I see it written down?”

“I haven’t written it down, sir. Only the lyrics”

Yamazaki frowned. “First thing you’ll do is that you write that thing down with all chords, okay?” When Haruka nodded, he contonued asking. “Have you written any other songs?”

“...A few.”

“How many?”

“Five, including this one.”

“That’s almost a whole album,” Yamazaki mumbled, frowning at his desk. Then his eyes returned to Haruka’s face. “You’ll write them down as well and perform them tomorrow. I believe they are as great as the one I heard today, so… And then you’ll write one more song.”

Haruka’s head was almost spinning around from all the  _ write this and this and this _ , but he nodded and made notes in his mind. 

“Perfect. Well, now you can go. We have to take care of some official bullshit before you can join officially, but I’ll make sure it’s done really quickly this time. So I’ll tell Makoto to bring you tomorrow.” Then Yamazaki leaned into his chair and looked at the screen of his computer - a sign for Haruka to leave.

So he did. Again, only with the guitar on his back, he had nowhere to go. It seemed like Makoto still had to work and he couldn’t simply bother him in his office, could he?

So he just sat down on the bench in the hallway - next to the coffee machine, but he had no cash anyway - and waited… for what? Maybe for Makoto to finish his work so they could go home togehter.

Because being alone outside was the last thing Haruka needed. He could end up... No, he won’t even think about it. The shot he had in the morning was the last one. He will quit. Definitely.

After like an hour he got bored and everything in him was calling him to go outside and have some fun. Haruka couldn’t trust his body at all, so he did the only logic thing - he got up and started looking for Makoto’s office. He had to walk through the whole floor, but it made his mind focused and that was all he needed.

After a few minutes of wandering around, he finally saw Makoto in the end of one of the confusing hallways. He started walking faster, but then he noticed that the sandy brown haired man isn’t alone.

He didn’t even have to look properly to know that the other person was Yamazaki. Haruka automatically hid himself behind the corner like he was doing something forbidden and watched the two men talk. It seemed like a normal calm conversation between two friends. 

Then Yamazaki stepped closer and placed a quick kiss on Makoto’s cheek.

And the world stopped.

Haruka turned around and started running, down the stairs and out of the building and kept running and running.

And didn’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, at first, I'm sorry I didn't want Sousuke to be such asshole. I like him, I really do. How did this happen? Nevermind, I hope you don't mind his personality that much (also he is probably super OOC-).  
> So, did you like it? Hate it?  
> I live on feedback to be honest and I love your kudos and comments!  
> See you soon (I hope!)
> 
> P.S. If you wanna contact me to talk about anything, really anything, my tumblr is haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> As you can see, I finished this chap rather quickly. I originally planned to wait and post it later, but I'm impatient as hell. Finally changing the rating to explicit! Why am I so excited about it? Who knows... Don't expect nice explicit stuff tho. At least not in this chap. I promise to make it up to you later.  
> Anyway, enjoy!

It was raining. The big heavy drops were falling on the city, making the sidewalks and roads change the colour to much darker one. The rain created huge puddles everywhere.

The sidewalks weren’t visible from above, because most people had an umbrella and thi s army of umbrellas covered completely everything. People were walking really fast, trying to find a dry place and escape the almost aggresive rain. Despite the weather, the streets were full of people and cars - as always.

Haruka was running, bumping into people, stepping into the puddles, making the water splash everywhere. He didn’t have anything to cover himself with, therefore he was soaking wet, as well as the guitar on his back.

None of those things seemed to bother him, though. He kept running and running, even though he could barely see due to the umbrellas and crowds and the rain.

He just couldn’t stop, didn’t want to stop, didn’t want to think, he wasn’t strong enough to deal with his thoughts.

He didn’t even know this part of the city, didn’t know where he is going. Not like he had a place to go. He shook off the unnecessary thoughts and started running even faster.

He felt like this all is only a dream. He actually used to have nightmares like this. Running away, being chased, trying to escape… what? No, don’t think about that.

His body was really weak after months of barely eating and doing drugs, but he didn’t allow it to stop, pushed it beyond the limits, even though it made his head spin around and his vision go black.

Eventually, he collapsed.

He fell on the ground in the middle of the street, face down. People were walking past him, nobody helped him since they knew who he really is. A dirty junkie.

He was out only for a few seconds and when he woke up again, he saw nothing but people’s shoes. Nobody stopped to ask him what’s wrong. To help him stand up. One shoe even kicked his hip.

Of course people won’t care. The only one who cared…

No.

Haruka stood up - not without difficulties - and started walking again, calmly this time. There was no use in doing things his body couldn’t stand. He looked around and saw a tram stop a few metres from him. He didn’t have any money, but that didn’t bother him at all. He walked over to the stop - and almost got hit by a car - and waited for the tram to arrive. It was only a few minutes, but to Haruka it seemed like forever because he couldn’t focus on anything but his thoughts.

_Why am I overreacting like this? Why do i even mind it? It’s not like-_

No, stop. Don’t.

_I just wanted to be… Special. He said that, didn’t he?_

_I got the wrong idea._

The tram finally arrived and he quickly got on. It was almost empty, there was only a few people inside, but even those people moved into the other part of the tram when they saw him.

He kept looking outside, focusing on the buildings so he didn’t have to think. Finally, they arrived to his station.

And which station it was…?

Potsdamer Platz.

He left the tram, feeling absolutely nothing. There wasn’t any other place for him. At least not right now. After two or three hours he can go back to Makoto’s flat and pretend this, this strange breakdown of his didn’t happen.

He was quite good at lying.

But now he had to get some money.

The usual streets for hookers and their customers was empty. It was a small street, so people hardly used it, that’s why it was such a great place for prostitution. But now the hookers were gone due to the rain and there was no reason for customers to come either.

Despite this, Haruka put his guitar down and leaned against the wall of one of the bulidings that were on the street.

He had to wait for around half an hour, but finally he saw a car, slowly approaching him. He nodded and the car stopped. It was a normal looking car, nothing special - Berlin was full of those. He couldn’t see the person inside because of the rain, but at this moment, he didn’t care at all. He walked towards the car, opened the door and sat down on the passenger’s seat next to the driver.

The driver was a man in his fourties. He looked like a normal office worker - again, Berlin was full of those. He was fat and his face was a little red, but Haruka couldn’t care less.

“10 Euro for a blow job,” he stated his usual offer in a calm voice. He seriously didn’t feel like sleeping with this guy at the moment. “I want money first.”

The office worker started looking for his wallet and it took him some time. Finally, he foun dit in one of his pockets and handed a bank note to Haruka. The boy put in in th epocket of his coat and took a deep breath. No matter how many times he had done something like this, he was still disgusted.

He leaned over to unzip the man’s pants and tried to ignore his panting. His cock was little, but already hard - probably from the feeling of doing something forbidden. Like oh my god, he is paying for a prostitute, what a turn on. Then Haruka started stroking the man’s member and that made the customer sweat and a few moans escaped his mouth. It didn’t even sound like moans, though. Those noises sounded like squeaking of a pig in pain. Haruka finally brought himself to take the small cock in his mouth. He remembered that it used to make him feel like throwing up, but he got used to it after some time. It became a normal thing for him - he had to do it to achieve his daily goals. And those goals were simple - shoot up and survive.

Now he started bobbing his head to do it as quickly as possible - he had a feeling that this guy won’t last long. The office worker grabbed the hair on Haruka’s head clumsily and started pushing him down on his cock while making the pig squeaks. If his member was bigger, he would have choked Haruka by now, but this way it was okay. After like one minute of intensive sucking, Haruka felt the man’s cock throb and in a few seconds the customer came into his mouth while whining. There wasn’t much cum from his tiny dick, but Haruka decided to spit it out anyway once he got out of the car.

Now he had money. With 10 Euro he could buy one shot and still would have some money after that.

It was still raining, but not that hard anymore. Little cold drops were falling on Haruka’s face gently as he grabbed his guitar and headed to one of the places he knew the best - the street where his regular dealer usually sold his supply.

He was afraid that the dealer wasn’t there or just decided to leave his usual spot, but he didn’t need to worry, because there he was, waiting for his regular clients as always before he headed out to find new ones.

He looked really surprised when Haruka came to him like he did every day and it was his most unprofessional reaction ever.

“I thought you are dead.”

“Well, I’m not.” Haruka didn’t have time nor he was in the mood to have a long conversation with this guy about his life or anything. “The usual,” he said to make the process faster.

The dealer stopped talking and they exchanged the same as always - the drug and money. Haruka got back to his daily routine, with tht drug in his pocket he found his favourite public toilets.

The first thing he did was that he washed his mouth properly. He didn’t want to feel the _taste_ of the pig ofice guy anymore. Then he locked himself in one of the stalls and shot up.

Now he could walk over to the bench near the Potsdamer Platz he always used to just let his mind wander or write songs.

So he sat down, as always, with his head in his hands, the guitar was neglected lying on the bench next to him.

He was high, yet he still felt like shit.

And couldn’t stop thinking.

He already knew that he overreacted because of what he saw, he couldn’t deny that, he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. He was bothered by seeing Makoto being kissed by his boss. He could say that he didn’t like Yamazaki due to his cocky personality and Makoto deserved better and that was what he minded so much, but the truth was different and he knew that, no matter how high he got.

He wanted Makoto to himself. And this stupid crush of his didn’t seem to disappear even after shooting up.

He got attached to the person who helped him, to the first person who had ever been nice to him, who did something for him without expecting him to pay back. It’s so easy to fall for someone who helps you. Haruka never knew it was _that_ easy. He never knew that he could get attached that quickly, easily, that _much._ It was dumb. It was crazy. But here he was, running away from his problems, from his _feelings,_ once again. Makoto really made him feel like he was special and he liked this feeling. His whole life was about being imprisoned, forgotten, he didn’t know he could ever feel this way. He even didn’t want to die anymore thanks to Makoto. That person… He gave Haruka a reason to continue and that’s why he wanted…

What? He didn’t want to do with him the things he had done with his customers. He just wanted to get the hugs and affection and smiles and-

He considered buying another shot, because it seemed like this one didn’t work. He didn’t understand it, he was supposed to be high, to be cool, yet his heart was torn apart.

And it was still raining.

 

***

 

He didn’t knnow for how long he had beeen sitting there, soaking wet, confused and shattered, completely lost in his thought.

The thing that made him come back to reality was…

“So you really are here.”

Haruka looked up to meet Makoto’s stare. His voice was calm and there was no sign of anger on his face. It looked more like… disappointment? Resignation? Haruka kind of wanted the man in front of him to yell at him for running away and doing such stupid things, but Makoto gave him just that sad smile of his.

“I’ve been looking for you since my shift ended. You weren’t in the company building, you weren’t at my place… I looked around the streets near my place and then I figured out that you are probably here.”

Haruka felt guilty _again._ If Makoto decided to look for him… Does it mean that he was worried?

“I’m sorry,” he said in the end in a really small voice.

“Let’s go home,” was all Makoto said. He didn’t ask what had happened, why Haruka ran away and the boy was glad, yet a little sad about thatt. Haruka stood up and put the guitar back on his back.

It stopped raining.

Haruka was still soaking wet, as well as his guitar and that meant it was damaged. Maybe not completely broken, but he could kiss the perfect sound good bye. His guitar was all he had and if he lost it… It would feel like he lost a part of himself. He was really angry at himself for overreacting that caused all this mess. Makoto’s clothes were wet as well. Didn’t he have an umbrella? Or he had no time to grab it?

Now he was walking behind Makoto towards the older man’s place. No subways, no trams this time. Just walking like yesterday. Was it only yesterday? And Haruka was already unbelievably attached to this man… What was wrong with him? Was it because he had never met anyone who cared about him? Was that why he developed some kind of possesive/craving feelings towards Makoto?

He cpuld see only the other’s back now and Makoto was silent. Haruka felt, _knew_ that Makoto was angry. It was understandable. He wasted his time and care on a dirty drug addict and the person turned out to be ungrateful. Disrespectful. _A fucking idiot._

Haruka felt a weird pressure in his eyes and had to blink faster to get rid of it. That’s right, he was nothing but a stupid filth that couldn’t do anything but hurt the others-

_The drug doesn’t work again._

He didn’t deserve the good things Makoto did for him-

_Why?_

And now he was lost in self-pity-

_He was supposed to be cool, to forget all this shit._

And his eyes felt wet even though he hadn’t cried for years-

_What the hell is happening?_

He was disgusted by himself, by everything, by his life, by this world, by the drug that didn’t work, by Makoto who didn’t let him die, by the two lonely tears that escaped his eyes and made their way down his cheeks.

No, he couldn’t let it be this way.

He stopped walking and finally decided to speak up. To make the only right decision.

“Wait,” he said so Makoto could notice that he didn’t walk behind him anymore. Despite the crowd, they were both standing in the middle of the street, facing each other.

“If you are done with me, I’ll go. I won’t be mad at you. I’m actually really thankful. Dealing with a person like me is hard. Everyone finds out after some time. So if you don’t want to deal with me anymore, it’s okay. I understand. I’ll pay you later-”

Makoto didn’t let him finish his sentence, he grabbed Haruka’s wrist and dragged him through the crowd in the direction of his place.

“I’m saying this for the last time. I’m not bothered by living with you. It was my decision in the first place. Also, I promised myself - and you - that I’ll save you and show you some happiness. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I just let you die.” Makoto was speaking fast, but his voice sounded determined.

_Stupid, stupid stupid._

Both of them were so stupid. Makoto with his stupid kidness and stupid decisions, Haruka with his stupid, stupid feelings.

Obviously, Makoto wasn’t even angry. He couldn’t see anything but the good things in Haruka. The problem was that there were no good things inside the raven-haired boy. There was only despair, pain and rottennes.

And now the confused feelings for the person who saved him - or at least was desperately trying to - joined those bad things inside him and settled in his chest, consuming him alive. Because it was wrong, to want to claim this too kind person, to wish Makoto didn’t care about anything, anyone but Haruka. To want even more than Makoto already gave him.

And so he let the older man drag him through the crowded street, hiding his true, rotten face and cursing the day he was born.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I really enjoyed writing this thing, but I'm quite insecure about it. So what do you, my beloved readers, think? Too gross? Not enough? Too angsty? Not enough? Was it shit? Or good? Tell me, please, so I can improve. Your feedback keeps my motivation alive! (And I'm a person that loses motivation easily-)  
> I have lots of ideas for this story now, omg. Like this chapter wrote itself!  
> Anyway, there is something I really wanted to tell you. I'm looking for a beta, bc my writing is shit so I need an advice plus I make a lot of weird mistakes bc I refuse to reread stuff I write so- It would be really helpful! If you are interested, you can tell me here in the comments or contact me on my tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com). You can contact me even if you just want to chat or something.  
> Anyway, thank you for reading! See you soon!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!  
> I know I'm pretty late with this chapter, but I'm not gonna lie - last week was crazy and then I had to wait to post this. But it's finally here, so I hope you'll enjoy reading!  
> Also I have a beta now, so I'll finally get rid of the typos and weird things haha. Thanks kitkatcandy for the beta!

And so is Haruka brought to Makoto’s flat once again, full of bitter feelings he had never expected to have.

He had to wear Makoto’s clothes _again,_ because his were wet from the rain.His guitar was placed in the corner of the entrance hall, slowly drying up and Haruka hoped the wood will be okay and it won’t affect the sound too much.

Makoto even brought him a towel so he could dry his hair - still no anger, no “pack your things and get out of here, you irreclaimable dirty junkie”. Haruka took the towel with a silent “thanks” and started drying his hair clumsily. After a while he gave up and just covered his head with the towel, sighing and leaning back on the couch he was currently sitting on. It was better to hide his face, thoughts everything away from the world, he wasn’t ready to show anything since he didn’t really understand even himself at the moment.

“Oh c’mon.” He heard a soft voice and two big warm hands started drying his hair, gently yet effectively. “You’ll catch a cold.”

Haruka wanted to say that his body is immune, too poisoned to react to cold and discomfort, but didn’t say anything. When Makoto lifted the towel and removed it completely, Haruka could see his smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

Haruka blinked, seriously surprised by Makoto’s words - wasn’t _he_ the one that was supposed to be sorry? Wasn’t _he_ the one who ran away for stupid reasons and caused trouble?

“For what?” he asked, confused look was shown in his blue eyes as he looked up.

“I shouldn’t have pushed you into this. I… If it’s too much for you, just tell me. You don’t have to do it. I’ll let you live here anyway.” The smile disappeared, turning into a sad, nervous and a little guilty expression. It took Haruka a few seconds to realise that he is talking about the music company.

“It’s okay.” Haruka shook his head. “I really want to do it.” He was about to reveal his true feelings about this - something really unusual for him, but if it could help Makoto to feel less insecure- “It’s been my… my dream since I was younger. I’m glad I got this chance. I’m glad _you_ gave me this chance. To begin again - the way I want.” In the end of his speech he was looking down at his feet - his sudden honesty made him feel embarrassed.

And then he felt a soft touch on his face as his chin was being held up and he met a tender gaze of shining green eyes.

“Then I’ll do my best to help you achieve this dream, this goal of yours.”

Haruka couldn’t stand the weight of Makoto’s gaze and had to look away and gulp visibly. It filled him with a lot of emotions, but he didn’t understand any of them.

_He wasn’t used to it, after all._

The touch disappeared, but Haruka could still feel it somehow, warm fingers on his skin.

“Sousuke told me what he wanted you to do,” Makoto sat down on the couch next to the black haired guy.

“Hm,” was Haruka’s reaction. He really didn’t feel like writing songs right now.

“I got you a week. One day really isn’t enough.” Haruka looked at him, eyes widening in surprise. “Or was I wrong?” Makoto sounded a little nervous again.

“No, no. It’s okay. It’s good. Thank you,” said Haruka and really meant it, he was glad that Makoto got him more time.

“I really want you to feel comfortable, so of anything bothers you… Just tell meand I’ll fix it. I’m your producer now, after all.”

“I haven’t even started-”

“Doesn’t matter. I want to make you feel good no matter what.”

They were sitting on the couch, facing each other, Makoto smiling gently and Haruka just staring at that beautiful smile, the depths of green, he caught himself adoring the handsome face and the way Makoto’s eyes narrowed when they both leaned a little closer to each other without thinking.

“I’ll cook dinner,” Haruka mumbled quickly and stood up, didn’t wait for an answer and headed off to the kitchen.

He needed to get rid of all those disturbing thoughts - Makoto was just being nice while Haruka developed some kind of crazy feelings.

_But it’s so damn easy to fall for someone who is nice to you._

Especially when it’s the first person in ages who actually _cares_ about you.

Haruka started taking ingredients out of the wardrobe and the fridge, putting them on the kitchen counter, scolding himself mentally while doing that. He seriously didn’t want this to happen. No, he didn’t want to screw up things once it looked like he was going to live a better life-

When he heard the steps behind his back, he tried to make his moves less nervous.

“You didn’t have lunch today, did you?” Makoto’s voice wasn’t mean or anything, but it still sounded a little bit like scolding. You know, the worried kind.

“No,” Haruka muttered, remembering the things he was doing around noon instead of having lunch.

“Thought so,” Makoto sighed.

“I’m fine, though. I don’t need to eat much,” Haruka shrugged. He was used to starving and his body couldn’t accept a lot of food anyway.

“Look at how skinny you are.” Makoto stepped closer to the kitchen counter. Well, he was right - Haruka resembled a skeleton, it was even more obvious in Makoto’s clothes. “You need to eat more.”

“Hm.”

“I’m serious.” Makoto leaned on the kitchen counter, watching Haruka chopping vegetables and turning on the cooker.

“Hm.”

Makoto closed his eyes and sighed, then a small smile returned to his lips as he looked at Haruka againg. “Do you mind me watching?”

“No.”

“Good.”

The rest of the time they spent together in the kitchen was filled with silence - it wasn’t uncomfortable though. The preparation of dinner took Haruka almost an hour - he didn’t even know why he chose such a difficult meal, he just did - and Makoto stayed with him the entire time. He only left once to bring his paperwork and and glasses and while Haruka was cooking, he was not only focused on his work, writing something down and humming time to time, but also kept watching Haruka, sending curious looks in his direction before returning to his reading.

And that’s how the dinner was made.

Even though the meal was ready and the plate was waiting on the table, it didn’t look like Makoto was going to sit down.

“Go eat,” Haruka said and put the dirty dishes in the sink.

“Eat with me this time. Please.” Makoto placed his glasses and paperwork on the kitchen counter, looking at Haruka with something that could be called “puppy eyes”.

“I’m not hungry. And keep not-kitchen stuff out of the kitchen, please.”

Makoto let out a soft chuckle and picked up the things he placed on the kitchen counter. “I get it, sorry. I’m serious, though. Please, have dinner with me.”

Haruka sighed, suddenly unable to resist.

“Alright.”

The blissful face Makoto made was worth it, after all.

 

***

 

After dinner, which Makoto praised - according to Haruka’s opinion - maybe more than he should, they cleaned up the kitchen together.

“When did you start making music?” Makoto asked all of sudden.

Haruka blinked and looked down at his hands holding a dirty plate. “Uhm… I think I was 16 when I bought my guitar and learnt to play. Then I started writing my own songs.”

“Why?” Then Makoto realised that his question was probably a little impolite and quickly added: “I mean… You don’t have to answer, I just-”

“When I was a kid, I saw someone playing guitar in the park, you know Hasenheide, right? So there, there I saw a man. I guess he was a little older than me now? I don’t remember his face really well. He was sitting on a bench and playing guitar. I hardly remember how it looked but I remember the sound - it was perfect. The man was playing and singing a song - David Bowie’s song. He looked so happy and the song was awesome and theat was when I knew that I want to play guitar and sing too. At 16 I finally bought a guitar with money I made doing par time jobs.” When Haruka finished talking, he was still staring at the same plate he held when he started. It was a really long speech for him, probably the longest in the past year. He didn’t even know why he told Makoto all those things. They just came out on their own.

“I’m glad you found something that makes you happy.” Haruka looked up to see a really warm, almost loving look in Makoto’s eyes and it made his chest feel a little heavy. “And now you can do it all the time since it’s your job. You’ll get paid for doing something you enjoy.”

“And then I can pay half of your rent,” Haruka mumbled as he started washing the rest of the dishes. _Or get my own place._ He somehow didn’t want to bring up this idea.

“Oh, don’t worry about the rent. The company pays for this flat.”

“I see… That’s good.” Haruka finished washing the dishes rather quickly. Makoto must have been even more important for the company than he thought. Suddenly he remembered the… _incident_ with Yamazaki. Yeah, very important. “I’ll go take a bath.” Then he turned to Makoto with a less determined expression. “If you don’t mind…”

“Of course I don’t! Enjoy the bath. And thank you for the meal, it was really delicious.” Makoto praised him again and Haruka thought for a second that the taller man was going to kiss his forehead. He didn’t do it, though and Haruka muttered something between “hmm” and “no problem” and walked away as quickly as possible without seeming rude.

He spent like an hour in the warm bath, adding hot water when he felt cold and almost dozed off.

However, he couldn’t afford sleeping in the tub full of water, no matter how comfortable it felt. With a deep sigh he dried his body with one of the floffy towels he found and put on his clothes before leaving the bathroom.

“Sorry I’ve been there for such a long time,” he said while drying his hair when he met Makoto in the living room. The taller man was getting ready for a shower or a bath as well.

“Don’t apologise,” Makoto offered him his typical gentle smile that would melt the heart of a stone. “You seem more relaxed now. I’m glad.”

Well, Haruka did feel more relaxed thanks to the bath now. The warm water washed away his worries from before almost magically. Makoto headed towards the bathroom and as he was passing by the other, he placed his hand on Haruka’s shoulder.

“I “I really hope you’ll feel better soon,” he whispered and left. The touch was short but intense and those words made something in Haruka’s chest and stomach move and the black haired guy had to cover his mouth and squeeze his eyes shut, overwhelmed with emotions he couldn’t really express.

He went to bed with a strange heavy feeling inside his chest and the thought of the shot he will have to get in the morning.

Somehow he found it hard to be mad at Makoto for turning his calm careless life upside down.

 

***

 

The next morning he had to face the same problem as yesterday - getting the drug before he goes into a withdrawal. Unfortunatelly, he woke up after Makoto this time, so he couldn’t sneak out. Now he was lying in bed and cursing his bad luck, wondering what his next step should be.

“Are you awake?” Makoto was standing and leaning against the door frame, already dressed up and ready to go out.

“Yeah,” Haruka muttered.

“I have to go to work now. I’m sorry for leaving you here alone, but at least you’ll have time to work on your songs. Also I left you money and a spare key on the kitchen table, so you can buy food - groceries, if you feel like cooking or you can go to a restaurant or something, I don’t mind. I really have to go now. Take care, Haru. See you later.” One last warm smile and Makoto was gone.

Haruka wanted to yell at him for being so _naive,_ so _stupid._ Because every part of his body was telling him to grab the money, as many valuable things as possible and run away. That was what every drug addict would do. Makoto should have assumed that - but he was too pure for the dirty world Haruka belonged to.

Once he heard the entrance door close, he got up and quickly dressed up. Then he headed right to the kitchen. Makoto left him a lot of money, more than Haruka expected. _He really is an idiot._

With a sigh - and a guilty feeling he was slowly getting used to - he stuffed the money in his pocket. _Time for groceries shopping, huh?_ He locked the door with the spare key - legally this time - and started walking towards the place where he met the wannabe dealer without thinking about his actions. He had enough money to buy his shot and than enough food without looking suspicious. At least he thought so. Well, it was a lot safer than going all the way to Potsdamer or Alexander Platz, doing a customer and buying the drug from his regular dealer.

When he got back home with the drug in his veins and a bag full of food, he somehow knew that this is how the next few days will be like for him.

He didn’t really feel like eating lunch, but decided to cook dinner later.

And now what?

He had done shopping - in a really small shop since he didn’t feel like going to the supermarket, but it was enough - got his shot and now he was alone in Makoto’s flat wondering what to do.

As he remembered what Makoto said before he left, he knew what’s the right thing to do - to settle down his confused thoughts, express his emotions and get some real work done.

To write his songs.

 

***

 

The next week was so normal, yet so crazy. Every day was the same for Haruka - after Makoto left in the morning, he went shopping, using a part of the money to buy his shot. Then he returned home and worked on the songs until Makoto came back home and told him about his day at work. In the evening Haruka cooked dinner and lunch for Makoto (he started preparing lunchboxes for him, even though Makoto objected). Later Haruka volunteered to take out the garbage or just wanted to go out (for a quick walk that was supposed to help him sleep, or at least that was what he told Makoto) and bought his second shot with the money saved from shopping.

To avoid any guilty feelings he promised himself to give the money back once he gets paid. That was one of the reasons he worked so hard. The other reason was that he needed to get his feelings offo of his chest and music had always been the best (and only) way for him.

That was pretty much his daily schedule. When he kept himself busy (and high) all the time, he could forget about the heaviness and uneasiness from before. Almost.

And that’s how he survived until Sunday evening. He couldn’t ignore the fact that during this week the atmosphere in the flat had gotten better, Makoto’s smiles and looks even warmer (how was it even possible?) and Haruka found himself getting more comfortable in Makoto’s presence. Comfortable enough to spend time with him, listen to him and ask questions about his day.

Now, on Sunday evening, they were sitting next to each other on the couch in the living room, after dinner, even the lunch for tomorrow was finished - for them both, as Makoto insisted - and Haruka already shot up, so it was a calm nice evening.

“Are you nervous?” Makoto asked, his eyelids were half closed as he turned to Haruka. He must have been tired - he had been working really hard.

“Not really. I’ve done everything I was supposed to do.” Haruka shrugged, staring at the sheets of paper with the songs - _his songs -_ ready on the table.

“I’m glad then.” Haruka didn’t even have to look at him to know that he was smiling - he could even picture the smile. A little tired, yet heartwarming. That word fit to Makoto with no doubts. Heartwarming. “I need to tell you something.”

This sentence made Haruka turn to the other with a slightly curious expression. Makoto looked pretty serious, now his emerald eyes were opened and staring at Haruka.

“What is it?”

“Please, don’t be mad or anything.”

“Just say it.”

“I…” Makoto cleared his throat. “Sousuke told me that he recorded your song the other day. You know, when you sang in the studio. And… he sent it to the radio. Radio Eins. Now we are waiting for their reaction.” Makoto looked at him nervously, like he had said something really terrible and now was waiting for the other to snap at him.

“Oh,” Haruka said with practically no interest. “Okay.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Your boss probably knows what he is doing.” That came out more bitter than he expected. “I’m going to bed.”

With those words Haruka ledt the living room and headed to the bedroom. He didn’t even know why he felt so irritated. He seriously didn’t care about Yamazaki recording his song and sending it to people he didn’t know. Wasn’t this the point of the whole thing? To let people know about his music? To sell his songs? His irritation and frustration had nothing to do with this. It was something about the way Makoto sounded so intimate when he said “I need to tell you something”. How it made Haruka _feel_ the something from before again. And then Makoto started talking about his boss and company again and that was probably the reason he felt so weird.

Well, he didn’t expect anything, after all, did he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think? Liked it? Disliked it?  
> And no worries, I haven't tagged SouMako (yet) so we'll see later about this haha. But I'm tagging pining (I love pining. Do you love it too? Because I sure do.) because we have some pining here. Also I should have tagged slow build, because this build really is quite slow. Can't help it, sorry. I like slow build. Anyway, I'll try to update the next chapter sooner this time. Thank you for reading and see you soon!  
> Btw you can hit me up on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!  
> I'm back with the new chapter. I have to thank my amazing friend Madyson for the perfect edit! <3 So for real, no typos, no weird shit this time and I hope I'll be able to keep it this way. Enjoy!

Haruka was smarter this time.

The day before, he bought a bigger amount of heroin than usual, so he didn’t have to worry about his morning shot. All he had to do was to shoot up in the bathroom. No stress, no suspicious acts, just a calm morning.

“This might be the last shot,” he whispered to himself before pushing the piston of his syringe. His new life was starting today for real, after all. He won’t need this anymore. He let the liquid run through his veins, sighing in satisfaction when the drugs instantly kicked in.

Something a little louder than a gentle knock woke him up.

He was lying on the ground with the needle still in his vein and his head felt like it had been hit by a hammer. Really hard. He even saw stars before his eyes.

He… passed out?

“Haru?” Another loud knock. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” he managed, his voice all husky and hoarse. “Give me a second.”

“Alright, but we’ll have to go soon.”

Makoto still sounded worried, but the sound of his steps becoming more distant let Haruka know that he really left.

He passed out. He had passed out, just  _ collapsed  _ after shooting up.

He finally got up, now standing on his shaky legs. He glanced up, staring at himself through the mirror.

He looked like death.

He had to bite his tongue, because he felt the sudden twisted urge to laugh and laugh because this was the sign, he knew what was going to happen. Haruka wasn’t a social person and avoided other junkies, but he still kept in touch with them sometimes, collected stories, facts and other people’s experiences. If he didn’t, he would have never came this far.

Older junkies always started passing out after shooting up, at first only sometimes, then more and more often. And one day they passed out and never woke up again.

Suddenly the idea of death didn’t sound as good to Haruka as it used to, but it would be so typical, so expected if he died right after finding a reason to live. That’s how his life was.

Well, he might as well enjoy the time he has left.

He cleaned up the mess he created and headed out of the bathroom with a sigh.  _ Enjoy. _

 

***

 

Lately, Haruka was distracted more than usual. Everything that had happened during the last two weeks was sucking the life out of him faster than his addiction, and this morning was just the last thing he needed before being on the verge of breaking down completely. Yet, he had to be strong enough to present his songs in front of other people. One look at the Heimat Records building made his limbs tremble, and for a while he was afraid he was going to throw up right then and there. Despite the drug running through his veins, he couldn’t face it. He was probably too stressed to get high, the fear of overdosing was probably stronger than he thought. Last week he wanted to kill himself - now he was shaking at the thought of dying.

He just really, really wanted to feel nothing at the moment.

“Are you nervous?”

Makoto’s voice brought him back to reality. Again. His voice was soft and kind as always and Haruka knew that he had no idea what happened in his bathroom this morning. What had been happening in his bathroom the entire week. He had no idea that there is a spare syringe under his wardrobe, while the one Haruka uses is in the raven haired boy’s pocket right now.

“A little bit…” It wasn’t technically a lie. All those feelings making his chest heavier could have been called  _ nervousness _ .

“After hearing you in the studio last time I’m sure you’ll be absolutely amazing.” Makoto placed his hand on Haruka’s shoulder before opening the entrance door. “I’ve never heard anyone better.”

“Sure,” Haruka mumbled as he followed the other inside. “You don’t have to lie to me, you know.”

Makoto looked back, his forehead being crinkled and creating a little V. “I don’t lie to you. I would never do that.”

Haruka felt like a cold hand just squeezed his guts and caressed his spine. The guilt returned, stronger than before.  _ He would never lie to me, but I lie to him every single day. I want to go out for a walk, I’ll gladly take out the garbage, I feel better now. Lies, lies, lies. _

“Are you okay?” Makoto’s voice was worried again, his emerald eyes trying to make eye contact with Haruka’s blue ones. That made the black haired boy realise that he stopped walking in the middle of the entrance hall, and he was getting curious looks from the receptionist as well as worried ones from Makoto.

“Yes… Yes. I’m sorry.” He walked past Makoto and  towards the elevator, pressing the button twice, like it would make it go faster.

“I know it’s stressful, but I’m here for you, okay? No worries, you’ll do great.” This was said in a quiet voice, as Makoto wanted only  _ him _ to hear that when he joined him in the elevator cabin.

The elevator started going up and Haruka didn’t know how to react. His chest was almost  _ aching _ as he was trying to absorb all those feelings Makoto’s words woke up in him.

“I…” He gulped. “Thank you.” And it was one of the most sincere thank you’s in his life. He looked up at Makoto who was leaning on the wall right against the one Haruka was standing next to. They were facing each other and now they made a really long eye contact, longer than ever before, because Haruka didn’t look away like usually, he kept staring into the green depths, allowing himself to get lost in them for a few seconds.

“Anytime,” Makoto whispered and the look in his eyes was full of something… something  _ burning _ with this green light and then he stepped closer to Haruka, his fingers touched the younger boy’s cheek, ghosting over his skin. Haruka didn’t dare to move, still locked in Makoto’s eyes he just kept staring at the other, holding his breath.

And then the elevator stopped, the door opened and they both stepped away from each other automatically.

“Well, let’s go.” Makoto left the elevator and his red ears were the only evidence that something really had happened a while ago. With all the things on his mind, Haruka would think it was just his imagination.

Now he followed Makoto to the same place as last time, the studio where he sang his song for the first time. And, as expected, Yamazaki was already waiting for them.

“It’s nice to see you again, Nanase,” he said with a faint smile that didn’t look “nice” at all. Haruka had to do his best to stop thinking about the last time he saw this man.

“I guess,” he said in a firm voice, despite his a little panicked thoughts. Also, he didn’t feel like lying, because for him, it wasn’t nice to see Yamazaki at all.

“Blunt, aren’t we?” Yamazaki stared at him for a while with an amused expression. “Show me what you’ve got then.”

Haruka, without saying anything, handed him the sheets of paper he kept in the guitar case Makoto gave him (he accepted only because he didn’t want the guitar to get hurt more than it already was).

“Do you know why I wanted you to do this?” Yamazaki asked, reading the lyrics of the first song - the one Haruka performed last time.

“So I’d have more songs?”

“So you can have an album with songs.” Yamazaki looked straight at him, now his expression was dead serious. “I want to present you as a young talent, the next German star.”

Haruka quickly looked at Makoto who looked quite nervous.

“Sousuke, I don’t think-”

“You heard him, didn’t you? He can’t waste such a talent.” Yamazaki got back to reading. “I sent this song to the radio and told them it’s called ‘Silhouettes’. Is the name okay?”

“I don’t mind,” Haruka shrugged.

“Good. Today we’ll know whether your song will be played in the radio or not.” Yamazaki waved with the song’s lyrics in his hands. “Now I’d like to hear those.”

Haruka took a deep breath before turning to Makoto once more. A quick small nod and a warm smile were enough to encourage him.  _ You’ll do great. I’ve never heard anyone better. _ He heard those words repeating over and over in his head, said in Makoto’s soft voice that made Haruka think of lying in the grass on a hot summer day anytime he heard it.

With those thoughts he sat down on the lonely chair in the recording room, and hesitating for a few seconds he started playing one of the songs he wrote a long time ago.

 

_ Loving touch of the cruel hand _

_ That can’t wait to choke you _

_ Murderous embrace _

_ That’s supposed to make you _

_ Disappear _

 

_ Silent killer gives you _

_ A broken promise _

_ When staying by your side _

_ Is no longer possible _

 

_ Throw up _

_ The sick feelings _

_ And dead emotions _

_ And shattered dreams _

_ And false hopes _

_ And words you have never said _

_ To kill the pain _

 

_ And when the voice calls _

_ You have to go _

_ Join the parade _

_ Of the filthy creatures _

_ You can’t resist _

_ Throw up _

_ The sick feelings _

_ And dead emotions _

_ And shattered dreams _

_ And false hopes _

_ And words you have never said _

_ To kill the pain _

_ Please… Kill the pain _

 

When he finished singing, he bit his lip nervously. He didn’t care about Yamazaki’s opinion that much, he was just uncomfortable because he revealed a part of himself in front of people.

“That was intense.” He heard Yamazaki’s voice from the speakers. He sounded quite stunned and when Haruka looked at him and Makoto through the glass, he saw the surprised and amazed expressions on their faces. He also thought that he saw tears in Makoto’s eyes, but he wasn’t really sure about it.

“Amazing. I don’t know what to say.” Makoto’s voice was a little shaky.

“We have an incredible talent here.” Yamazaki sounded satisfied.”You can continue.”

Haruka cleared his throat, feeling way better than before he entered this building. Music had this effect on him.

 

_ The lights came on again _

_ And the cars pass by _

_ Dreaming of running away _

_ But your legs can’t move _

 

_ Trapped in this nightmare _

_ Hoping for your fairy tale _

_ You wanted to escape _

_ And this is what you get _

 

_ Long nights, strange men _

_ You have nowhere to go _

_ Every day so close to the end _

_ Keep dreaming, child. _

_ Before you are dead. _

 

_ They want to touch you, _

_ they want to love and marry you _

_ They want to give you everything _

_ When they find you in your misery _

 

_ But no one will save you _

_ No one will care _

_ There is nobody except for you _

_ Face the reality _

 

_ Long nights, strange men _

_ You have nowhere to go _

_ Every day so close to the end _

_ Keep dreaming, child. _

_ Before you are dead. _

 

When he finished, there was only silence. This time he wasn’t even able to look up, because this song revealed even  _ more  _ of his feelings and he felt quite uneasy.

The silence was broken by a quiet sniffle. Haruka looked up quickly to see Makoto wiping his tears with the back of his hand.

“I’m sorry,” Makoto said and his voice was even more shaky than before. “I can’t help myself.”

“It’s okay,”Haruka decided to speak up when Yamazaki didn’t say anything. “It’s okay. Don’t apologise.”

Truth to be told, Makoto’s reaction scared him a little bit. Seeing him sad, seeing him cry made him panic a little, and he felt like he absolutely had to do something about it.

“That was another masterpiece,” Yamazaki almost purred in satisfaction. “What do you think? Very emotional, huh?” He hit Makoto’s shoulder with his fist playfully.

“Y-yeah.” Makoto blinked a few times to stop the tears from falling. Haruka felt his eyes narrow and something dark inside his chest move. Makoto’s sensitiveness wasn’t something people could laugh at. He was about to say something, but Yamazaki was faster.

“Okay, now I wanna hear the rest.”

And so Haruka shut his mouth and played the rest of the songs he wrote before running away from home, after getting addicted to heroin and during the last week. The song he wrote last week was according to his opinion the worst thing he had ever done, it hardly made sense, but Yamazaki was apparently satisfied.

“Good job,” he said when Haruka finished singing the last song. “Amazing job. Perfect job. Tomorrow we’ll start recording the album. I’ll give you a few guys to play some more instruments to-”

“I think it’s better this way.”

“What?” Yamazaki turned to Makoto, obviously surprised.

“Well, the thing is that Haru’s music is unique, he is unique, and adding more people and more sounds would ruin it,” Makoto explained.

_ He is right _ , Haruka blinked when he realised that he absolutely can’t imagine performing his songs with other people. Yamazaki frowned and looked at nothing for a while before sighing.

“You’ve got a point, Makoto. It would be better to leave it this way.”

Makoto sent another bright smile in Haruka’s direction and the raven haired boy tried to smile back - he curled the corners of his mouth into some kind of a small smile. Makoto’s eyes widened before his expression softened even more.

“Alright then. Tomorrow we’ll start recording the album. It’s already planned, but I still have to take care of a few things.”

“I thought you were waiting for the radio’s response.” Makoto turned to his boss with a questioning look.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure about their response.” Yamazaki smiled and this time it was a  _ real  _ smile. Haruka looked at them both, eyes widened. Do they really believe in him this much?

“I’ll need one thing from you. One more song.” Yamazaki looked directly at Haruka, his expression not letting him object. “All of your songs are… quite dark. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but we need at least one song that fits today’s style. Some kind of a love song?”

“Love song,” Haruka repeated in a blunt voice.

“Yes, love song. That’s all.” Yamazaki got up from his chair and the look in his eyes could have been described as excited. “Now I have some work to do. You both are done for today. Go get ready for the recording, it will be tough. See you tomorrow.” With this, he left the studio.

Haruka could finally leave the chair and join Makoto in the other side of the room. He was tired and his whole body was in pain from sitting on the chair for over half an hour and his throat was dry. Makoto got up as well and handed him a bottle of water like he knew what was happening. Well, he probably knew since this wasn’t his first time at work.

Haruka took the bottle with a quick “thank you” and took a sip, sighing when the water cooled his throat.

“I knew you’ll do great.” Makoto sounded almost  _ proud. _ “You were amazing.”

“Thank you,” Haruka mumbled, not used to being praised at all. It was all so new and confusing, but he couldn’t complain - he actually enjoyed playing all of his songs.

“How do you feel about recording your album?” Makoto asked, not as nervous as before, but still a litte insecure.

“It’s… great.” Haruka tried to look happy, but failed terribly. “Seriously, it’s one of the best things in my life,” he said in the end and knew that it’s not a lie, that  _ this _ was like a dream coming true.

Makoto opened his mouth and was about to say something, but he was interrupted by the speaker in the corner of the room.

“Everyone, stop doing what you are doing and  _ listen. _ ” It was Yamazaki’s voice and Haruka was sure that everyone did exactly what he told them to do. “This is our new success, our new star and I believe he will become the star of the whole Germany soon. Enjoy!”

Makoto looked at Haruka, eyes shining with excitement, and Haruka felt something similar forming in his stomach. He didn’t know whether it was because of everyone around him being so excited or it was sleeping inside him the entire time, but he  _ did _ feel excited and pleasurably nervous right now.

And then he heard his own voice, his  _ song  _ playing from the speakers.

“We did it,” Makoto whispered. “ _ You  _ did it. Haru, you are on the radio!”

“I’m on the radio” he repeated.

Makoto nodded enthusiastically. “Oh my god, you really did it!”

Haruka caught himself smiling and Makoto’s expression was the definition of happiness and the song was playing in the background and suddenly they were all over each other.

Haruka didn’t know who made the first move, he didn’t remember their faces getting closer or anything, but now their lips were connected and they were kissing passionately, all the feelings of happiness and surprise and desperation in Haruka’s case where mixing, making the kiss even deeper. They weren’t using their tongues, the kisses were just open mouthed and passionate and full of  _ something _ Haruka couldn’t recognise. He felt Makoto’s hands on his back pulling him closer and Haruka wrapped his hands around the other’s neck. Makoto’s touch was firm, yet so careful and affectionate, Haruka felt like he was going to melt in his arms. He had to tiptoe and Makoto had to lean over but that didn’t matter. Makoto’s touches were so different from everything Haruka knew. He knew only rough grabbing full of hunger, nothing soft, nothing  _ loving _ , no feelings, just the primitive  _ need  _ of the human body.The way Makoto caressed his back, the way he carefully pressed Haruka’s body against his own to get closer, how soft his lips felt against Haruka’s, this all made the black haired boy feel higher than any drug before. Their kisses were passionate, but not rough and soon they started getting slower and slower with less pauses to catch breath and in the end they exchanged a few slow kisses in a tight hug before breaking the kiss completely. They were both panting and the song in the radio was slowly coming to its end.

“This was the newest song in our repertoire! It’s called  _ Silhouettes,  _ sung by an amazing new talent. His name is Haruka Nanase and he came to the great recording company,  _ Heimat Records _ , straight from the streets! We are hoping to find out more about this talented guy soon, as well as we are looking forward to hearing the songs from the new album he’ll publish soon! Right, Rudi?”

“Of course, Hans. I’m quite stunned after hearing this song. I’ve heard that this guy is only 19 years old, so I’m pretty sure he’ll have a great career. That voice, those lyrics! I can hardly find the words to describe all the feelings this song gave me. I know for sure that Haruka Nanase will be a well known name in the whole Germany soon. This was Rudi and Hans from Radio Eins!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, so, what do you think about this chap? Liked it? Hated it? Tbh the "first move" is like the most magical moment for me and I never know in which part of the story it would be the best. Okay, I know that 12 chapters is a long time, but I'll probably regret it soon, thinking that it could come later haha. (Have I mentioned that I love slow build? And pining, yeah, definitely pining.)  
> Also, the "lyrics" used in this chapter are written by me. Do you remember my promise in the first chaps that I'll start using my own lyrics instead of random songs? Yeah, the time is here. Sorry it's shitty though, I'm not good at this kind of stuff. And when you think about it, I actually made fictional characters praise my own wannabe poetry. Oh nevermind. Thank you all for your amazing comments and also for your kudos, it makes me really happy and keeps me motivated to continue! See you soon!  
> Btw come talk to me on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)! I'd be happy to get to know you all!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating earlier than planned, because I will be busy at the weekend.
> 
> This chapter is longer, more angsty and more romantic. Enjoy!
> 
> Thanks my friend Madyson for being the best beta!

Haruka stepped away from Makoto, and leaned against the wall, his mind still being full of fog. He could hardly believe that it really had happened, that it wasn’t just his imagination. This wasn’t about achieving the biggest success in his life, this wasn’t about people praising his song. It was about the first kiss in his entire life that made him feel something.

And now he was confused, terribly confused.

“I don’t get it,” he whispered.

“Don’t get what?” Makoto frowned a little.

“You… You are…” The words just couldn’t leave Haruka’s mouth, it was too weird? Too embarrassing? to say.

“I’m sorry.” Makoto half turned away so Haruka couldn’t really see his face. “I got a little… carried away. Please, forgive me. It won’t happen again.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” Haruka finally managed to say something that made sense. “I thought you were with your boss.”

“With Sousuke?” Makoto blinked, now even more confused than before. “Why would you think so?”

Haruka’s voice sounded bitter again, even though he really didn’t want to sound that way. “I saw you last time.”

This was the most confusing thing for him. Makoto didn’t look like the cheating type, and if he was… Haruka had no reason to believe in people anymore. He just couldn’t imagine this pure, nice person cheating on someone.

“Oh,” was all Makoto said. “Oh. This.” Makoto sighed and then looked into Haruka’s eyes as he started explaining. “There is absolutely nothing romantic nor sexual between me and Sousuke. He likes to touch his employees sometimes, as long as they agree. And most of us agree. I let him do it, because… I think he is pretty lonely, you know?”

_ And you just have to help everyone. _

“What about you?” Haruka asked, staring back without looking away this time, his blue eyes seeming deeper than ever before. For the first time in a really long time, he was overwhelmed with emotions. “Are you lonely?”

This question seemed to catch Makoto off guard. His jaw dropped and he was silent for a while before his usual warm smile lit up his face again. “Not anymore.”

Now it was Haruka’s eyes that widened in surprise, and his cheeks turned a light red color.

“Are you going to keep allowing him to do that?” He asked in a sort of shaky voice.

“Actually, I asked him to stop last week.” Makoto made three steps closer to Haruka. “Because I don’t want anyone to touch me. Anyone but you.” Now he was standing really close to the other again, almost as close as a while ago when they were holding each other. Makoto placed one hand on the wall next to Haruka’s head, leaning closer. The look in his eyes was warm, yet a little desperate - and Haruka suddenly knew how he felt. They felt the same way. “Since I saw you for the first time… No, since I  _ heard _ you for the first time, I’ve been sure that you are special. I’ve been looking for something special for a long time, you know. Something that would send away the grey colour and the boredom of my daily life. I’ve felt quite empty for no reason and I’ve been waiting for something that would get me rid of the emptiness. And then I found you.” His smile looked both happy and sad at the same time, sad for the times he had experienced, happy for the times that were to come.

“Why?” Haruka’s whisper meant one thing - why me? Why would I be the one who makes your life better?

“I don’t know. I just feel it.” He closed his eyes for a while, like he wanted to  _ demonstrate  _ that he felt it.

“There is nothing good about me. I'm just a filth from the streets.” Haruka had to look away, he couldn't stand the sight of this perfect face overwhelmed with affection and a strange melancholic sadness anymore. “I can't bring you anything good. You should get rid of me as soon as possible.”

“Haru…” The emerald eyes were now opened and full of pain, making Haruka almost regret his words. “You aren’t a bad person. It’s just that you’ve been through many things than most people can’t even imagine, but you are still here, fulfilling your dream.” Makoto caressed Haruka’s cheek with his thumb and smiled in a lovely way, causing Haruka’s knees to get a little weak. “And that’s admirable.”

And once again, Haruka felt like melting from his touch. He had never experienced such an intense feeling because of a person. It felt similar to what music gave him, yet it was different.

“I’m just a burden,” he managed to object in a faint voice.

_ I’m lying to you all the time while you are just so nice it almost breaks my heart. _

“No. You are everything I could ever ask for.” Makoto grabbed both Haruka’s hands and leaned even closer, placing a soft kiss on the black haired boy’s forehead. “Let’s go now.” Makoto let go of one of his hands, but kept ahold of the other one as they walked towards the elevator.

“Is it really okay for you to leave this early?” Haruka asked when they reached the cabin.

“You heard him. We both have to rest a bit before he recording starts. It’s really tough, but…” Makoto glanced at him and didn’t look away for a really long time. “I think it won’t be a big problem for you. After hearing you today, I’m pretty sure the recording will be quick, but the thing I’m worried about is…” After letting go of Haruka’s hand, he pressed the first floor button and the elevator started moving. “...that you’ll probably have to perform in front of more people. Like concerts.”

Haruk’s legs felt weak just from the image that popped into his head. “Is it necessary?”

“I’m afraid it is. If everything goes according to Sousuke’s plans, people will want to hear you live. To meet you.” The look Makoto gave him was sincerely apologetic, but also helpless. There was nothing he could do about it. Haruka understood it, really. Normally he would run away and never come back, because taking orders from people, especially when they ordered him to do something he found uncomfortable, wasn’t his thing at all, but… Now he was in a different situation. Sooner or later, he will die. Nothing mattered anymore.

“It’s okay,” he said when the door opened. “I don’t care.”

“Are you sure?” Makoto sounded surprised, and, well, Haruka couldn’t blame him after his reactions to the crowd.

“Yes.” He had nothing to lose, after all.

“Oh, please, wait a minute, I have to do something. I’ll be right back.” With that,  Makoto rushed over to the receptionist - who was smiling at him with such a bright smile her teeth lit up the whole room - and left Haruka standing in the middle of the entrance hall.

Makoto and the woman seemed to have some kind of an interesting conversation, so Haruka just leaned against the wall and placed the guitar next to himself, staring at his heavy black boots - the only part of his clothes (together with his coat) that wasn’t changed. The boots were quite old and weren’t in the best state whatsoever, but he was happy about every little thing that he could keep, because he didn’t want to change completely. It would be better to change some aspects of his life, but he wanted to stay...himself.

Even though he had already noticed a few changes in his behaviour - and the only one responsible for that was Makoto. Yes, since Haruka met that man, his life had changed  _ a lot _ , that was obvious. But, and that scared him a little,  _ he  _ started changing too. He had opened up to Makoto, he had even developed some kind of feelings - and now he even felt his cheeks blush a little, like it was too hot in the room, but it clearly wasn’t, just the memory of the incident upstairs still felt so real he could almost taste Makoto’s lips on his own - and he now wanted to do something about his miserable life. All thanks to one person.

He should thank him properly some day.

The conversation between Makoto and the receptionist seemed to be over now and the brunette walked back to Haruka.

“Sorry for making you wait, I had to take care of some work stuff.” Together they left the building and Haruka was glad that he was able to breathe the fresh air again. Somehow being outside felt better. “Also, Emily says she loved your song.”

For some reason Haruka didn’t realise that everyone in the building must have heard his song before, and not only people from the Heimat Records, also anyone who listened to the radio. It was… hard to believe. New. Confusing. Crazy. That’s how Haruka’s life had been lately.

“That’s nice,” he said, because he had no idea how to react to compliments, especially when they weren’t said by the person who originally praised him. A simple “thank you” wouldn’t do.

“How are you feeling?” This was asked with such care in Makoto’s voice, that Haruka felt his heart beat faster. This couldn’t be real. He had never met anyone who cared about him that much.

Well, he had never met anyone who  _ cared  _ about him. He glanced at Makoto (secretly) before answering.  _ Seriously, what is this guy thinking? _

“I’m fine.”

“I mean…” Makoto ran his fingers through his hair and made a few more steps before continuing. “About the kiss.”

Haruka almost stopped walking (again). This question was very unexpected - well, they really  _ should  _ talk about this thing, but not in the middle of the street.

“I’m sorry,” Makoto said quickly when Haruka remained silent. “You don’t have to answer, I understand-”

“If I didn’t like it,” Haruka interrupted him since he felt like it was important not to let Makoto jump to conclusions, “my reaction would have been different.”

“So you are saying you liked it?” Makoto resembled a teenager who just had his first crush with all his insecurities and it was really cute.

“Yes. And… I wouldn’t mind if you did it again.” He gulped after adding the last sentence, but this was the only way he could make Makoto  _ understand  _ how much he liked it.

“I thought… I was afraid you would find me disgusting. After your… experiences with men.”

Haruka felt Makoto’s stare on his face, but he kept watching the sidewalk as they were walking… he didn’t even know where, he just followed the other. Probably to the tram station?

The truth was that Makoto was right. Haruka found the idea of men touching him and having sex with him disgusting. He remembered all of his customers - maybe he didn’t care about the things around him, but somehow all of their faces and touches and wills couldn’t leave his mind, remaining in his memories and sometimes nightmares. Only the idea of being touched again made him sick, but…

“You are different.” He finally looked at the other. “You aren’t like them.”

“How different?”

“I don’t know.” Haruka sighed. “I feel different with you. It’s a… a positive feeling, but I can’t really describe it.”

“You don’t have to. As long as you feel good… I’ll be satisfied.” And then Haruka was given one of those bright smiles that seemed to light up the world around Makoto.

_ I always feel good with you. _

They reached the end of the street with the usual subway and tram stops they used last time.

“I wanted to take you somewhere for lunch, but I don’t want the food you prepared to go to waste, so we can just eat it outside.” Makoto sounded more excited than Haruka would expect - it was just lunch, nothing unusual. “If you are okay with that, of course.”

Haruka just shrugged. Sure he was okay with that - he was okay with everything, after all.

“It’s kind of cold for eating outside… But there is this little park I thought you would like.”

Haruka absolutely loved parks. Maybe it was connected to the strong childhood memory with the man with the guitar, or it was just because he was raised in the city of concrete, but those small places with grass and trees were his favourite. Of course he loved Berlin, and the sight of all those high buildings was really calming, but parks had this atmosphere he couldn’t resist.

He wondered whether Makoto somehow  _ knew _ that or they simply had similar interests.

Autumn made the park even more beautiful. The city was still grey, half because of the colour of the buildings and half because of the rainy weather, but the park was full of colours thanks to all the tree leaves. It was a perfect place.

“The trees are pretty,” Makoto said, more to himself than to Haruka.

“Yes, they are.” The older man probably didn’t expect an answer, so he looked at Haruka with a quite surprised look, but then he smiled.

“Glad you like it.”

They sat down on one of the benches right under a huge tree with red leaves. Makoto took out their lunch boxes and handed one of them to Haruka.

“This isn’t an expensive restaurant, but it’s a nice place, don’t you think?” He said and started eating. “Your cooking is as great as an expensive restaurant, though. Maybe even better. Where did you learn it?”

Haruka just stared at his lunch for a while before answering. He wasn’t hungry nor did he feel like talking about his past, but he could say  _ something  _ at least _. _

“I used to be home alone a lot. Also I was getting ready for leaving the house, getting my own place, or maybe going to college…” He shrugged. “I ran away from home before I could even plan to move out or attend college.”

“You still have time. I mean, you could still go to college if you wish.” Makoto’s voice was kind of hopeful.

“I don’t think it matters,” said Haruka and it was really honest.  _ I’m probably going to die soon anyway. _

“Well, you don’t need college to be successful, with that talent of yours.”

“I’m not even that good.” Haruka shook his head. “It’s more like a hobby.”

“I have some experience with musicians and music in general, and when I say you have a talent, you  _ do  _ have a talent. And when Sousuke is interested in someone, there is a big chance that the person will be the next star. He hardly leaves his office because of new musicians.” Makoto even stopped eating, that’s how much he was into his speech. He was looking at Haruka, eyes shining.

“If you say so…” Again, he couldn’t find the right words.  _ Too many compliments.  _ “Did you work with a lot of musicians?”

“Three. They were all that type of singer who makes one catchy song and becomes famous for like a year or so and then everyone forgets them.” Makoto shrugged. “They weren’t as gifted as you. You are probably the best musician I’ve ever met during the six years I’ve worked for the Heimat Records.”

“Six years… That means… You didn’t attend college either?” Haruka frowned a little bit, not expecting this information at all. Makoto was exactly the type of person who goes to college and gets a red diploma.

“No. I’ve always been into music and couldn’t help it but hung out around people who were making music. Like in clubs, music schools and even studios later. I started working part time in one of little music studios - Berlin is full of them - and really liked it. I thought it would be fun to teach kids in music schools, but I don’t play any instrument.” Makoto chuckled. “I judge other people’s music, yet I can’t make my own. Funny, isn’t it? Anyway, after a few months of my working part time in the studio, Sousuke found me and personally asked me if I want to work for his company. Apparently, I have a talent to recognise other people’s talent.” He chuckled once more and Haruka caught himself staring at his face and focusing on every single word he said. “That’s how I got my current job, and I love it.” He gave Haruka another soft gaze that turned into a small frown. “Didn’t you forget to eat, Haru?”

 

***

 

They went for a walk before going home and everything was surprisingly great. Haruka got to see the parts of Berlin he didn’t really know, and Makoto seemed so happy anytime he could show him a nice place. The black haired boy caught himself having a faint smile on his face a few times, which was unusual for him, of course, but  _ he really had changed, after all. _

When they finally arrived home - when did he start thinking of Makoto’s flat as “home”? - he was tired, but well… happy? Alive, and that was the most important thing.

“I’ll go cook dinner,” he said and headed right to the kitchen without waiting for Makoto’s answer.

Cooking was one of his favourite things. He would never admit it out loud, but he enjoyed it a lot, especially when it was for someone else. Also it felt nice to create something tasty after months of living in the streets.

“Alright,” he heard Makoto’s voice from the living room. “At least I’ll finish this.”

_ He is working really hard, isn’t he?  _ Haruka thought while preparing the ingredients.  _ I really… admire him for that. _

He shook his head and focused on preparing the food for the evening, and the next day instead.

The rest of the afternoon was peaceful, as the both of them were busy doing something they enjoyed and nothing was bothering them. Haruka thought  _ yes, this is the day when everything changes and I’ll start a new, happier life.  _ Somehow, he had no problem imagining that new, happier life with Makoto by his side, as his producer or whatever  _ and  _ maybe…

He could feel the kiss on his lips again.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it even during having dinner with Makoto, not even during cleaning up the kitchen (with Makoto, because the older man just refused to let Haruka do it himself).

“Would you…” Makoto started when they were done, but had to clear his throat before continuing. “Would you mind watching TV with me… or something?”

Haruka raised an eyebrow. “Something?”

“Just talking, or… I’d be happy if you wanted to spend the evening with me.” Makoto scratched his head nervously, looking away with a faint blush on his face and Haruka thought that he is the cutest person to ever live.

“Sure,” he said and suddenly felt insecure. Wasn’t it too cold? Well, he said it the same way as always, but what if “his way” was too… distant?

But the happy expression on Makoto’s face sent all of his worries away, and so they ended up watching TV.

It wasn’t like they were actually  _ watching  _ it. It was just some quiet noises and quick pictures in the background. The main focus, at least for Haruka, was right on the sofa.

They were sitting next to each other and it wasn’t really awkward, but it wasn’t very comfortable either. It felt kind of intimate for some reasons and Haruka was afraid his face might have turned a little red as he felt the strange urge to press their lips together again, just to experience the feelings exploding in his stomach again.

There was a weird movie on TV and it didn’t distract him at all. He started considering running away - he was good at it, after all - when he felt a warm hand covering his own. He looked down just to see Makoto’s fingers intertwine with his, then he looked up and saw Makoto who didn’t seem embarrassed anymore - still a little nervous, but his expression mostly screamed “care” and “affection”.

“Is it okay if I hold your hand?” He almost whispered and the sound of his voice sent vibes through Haruka’s body.

“Don’t ask such questions,” he mumbled. “Just do it.” He found his words quite embarrassing, yet he couldn’t bring himself to tear his gaze away from Makoto’s eyes. They were the prettiest eyes he had ever seen, not only because the beautiful sparkling colour, but also because of all the kindness he could see in them.

“I don’t want to do anything you don’t like.” Now he really whispered and Haruka knew why, because this way he didn’t disturb the atmosphere between them. “So… Can I hug you?”

“If it’s okay… I never know which situation is appropriate for a hug. I’ve never been hugged before I met you…” Haruka shrugged and suddenly he found himself in a tight embrace. Very tight, Makoto squeezed him like he wasn’t planning to let go ever again.

“Makoto… I can’t breathe…”

Makoto softened his grip, but not much. “I’m sorry, I just… I can’t believe it.” Makoto’s voice was overwhelmed with emotions again. “It’s so cruel.”

“Well…” Haruka hugged him back, pressing his body closer to Makoto’s warm one. “I’ve never thought of it this way. It’s normal.”

“Everyone needs a hug sometimes. Or a simple touch. Or a kind word. Love comes in different shapes, but everyone needs a piece of love.” Makoto caressed his back, while mumbling those words into his ear.

_ Love… _ Haruka’s eyes were half closed when he rested his head on Makoto’s shoulder. After a while he felt a soft kiss in his hair and then Makoto leaned against the sofa, pulling him closer so now he was half lying on Makoto’s chest. This sudden move caused his eyes to open, but he closed them again once he felt Makoto’s fingers ran through his hair.

“Do you know why I cried earlier today?” There was nothing insecure or nervous in Makoto’s voice this time - he wasn’t ashamed to admit it.

“Because you have a big heart?” Haruka tried, automatically snuggling closer to the warmth and sweet scent under him. Makoto chuckled and it lifted his chest a bit.

“Actually it was because of you. I listened to the story,  _ your  _ story, and… It hurt me that you were hurt.” Makoto gulped and pulled Haruka even closer, like he wanted to protect him from all the pain he had experienced. “My heart was breaking when I was listening to you… And I wished I could help you. I still do.”

“You are helping me more than enough.”

“Well…” Another chuckle. “I wish I could do more.” Makoto kissed Haruka’s forehead and the black haired boy looked at him, his eyes were widened and he blinked a few times. Makoto stared back, it almost looked like he is admiring every part of Haruka’s face. Then he placed a soft kiss on the younger boy’s cheek and nuzzled their foreheads together. “I’m sorry, I can’t help myself,” he mumbled. “I just can’t stop touching you.”

“Don’t apologise…” Haruka’s voice was faint and his limbs started feeling weaker and weaker, and then Makoto finally pressed his lips against his.

This kiss was different from the last one. It started really soft, their lips were barely touching and moving very slowly against each other. At first it was more like a few separated pecks before they finally connected in a deep, affectionate kiss. Haruka wrapped his arms around Makoto’s neck and Makoto wrapped his arms around Haruka’s waist. Suddenly the raven haired guy found himself lying on the sofa with the older man on top of him, their lips never separating.

It was like all of Haruka’s senses were focusing on nothing but the kiss. After a while they deepened it, breaking the kiss time to time to catch their breath, panting and then brought their lips back together. Haruka would be  _ happy _ if the kiss never ended. He couldn’t get enough of Makoto’s soft lips, his tongue sliding in Haruka’s mouth after a while of kissing and his touches, his fingers running through Haruka’s hair and his hands caressing his cheeks and touching his upper body through his T-shirt.

Sadly, everything good must come to an end and they had to break the kiss, because they were getting short on breath. Makoto sat up on the sofa, panting, but there was a really wide smile on his face. Haruka sat up as well, thinking whether he should listen to the panicked voice in his head yelling at him to run away or follow his desires and hug the man next to him again.

“This was amazing. I could kiss you all day.” Makoto caressed Haruka’s cheek with his index finger. “Something is telling me that you didn’t hate it either.”

“No…” That was all Haruka could say. His body felt strangely weak and he found it hard to even sit on the sofa. Was it all because of the kiss? Well, it would make sense since it made him so high-

High.

_ Shit. _

He stood up as quickly as possible, trying not to collapse, because his legs were really shaky now. He forgot to get his evening shot. He simply  _ forgot  _ about it, and now he was going into a withdrawal.

“What’s wrong?” asked Makoto, clearly confused.

“I… I have to go for a walk. To clear my head.” Haruka made up a lame excuse and before Makoto could say anything, he ran out of the living room. Luckily, there was still money in his coat, but he had never been so quick to buy drugs before. He was so nervous and panicked and all this together with the upcoming withdrawal made him tremble terribly. Finally, he made it to the bathroom, running as fast as he could.

Due to his panic, he couldn’t stab the needle in the right vein at first and had to try a few times, while quietly swearing. Then he  _ finally  _ managed to shoot up and calmed down, leaning against the wardrobe and closing his eyes.

“I should have known.”

Haruka jerked and opened his eyes. Makoto was leaning against the wall next to the door and the expression on his face was… Disappointment? Pain? Sadness? Haruka knew for sure that it wasn’t anger, the only emotion he expected.

“I’m s-sorry…” Haruka stuttered, afraid of Makoto’s reaction.  _ He’ll kick me out… He’ll most definitely kick me out. _

To his surprise, Makoto sat down as on the floor as well and placed his head in his palms.

“I should have known…” He repeated. “No, I  _ knew.  _ Of course your addiction couldn’t disappear. Of course I’ve noticed the suspicious actions, but I decided not to see, not to notice. I didn’t know what to do, you know? I wanted to help you, but I didn’t know what to do. I was desperate. I told myself I needed time to come up with a plan to help you, but it was a lie. I just decided to ignore your problems. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” A quiet sob followed those quickly said words. “I was so naive… I thought that if you had a place to live and a job and someone who supported you, you would quit and live a happy life. That’s not how it works. That’s really not how it works. I was satisfied with lying to myself, while you were… you were…” Makoto stopped talking, obviously unable to finish that sentence.

Haruka felt like he was short on breath, for completely different reasons this time.

“Please don’t apologise,” he said in a voice that sounded like he was on the verge of crying as well, even though he would never cry, would he? “You aren’t the one to blame.”

“You are  _ killing yourself  _ and I’m pretending that everything is okay!” Makoto raised his voice and actually looked at Haruka. His eyes were red and full of tears that were falling down his cheeks - and still no anger.

“You don’t have to do anything.” Haruka looked down at the syringe he was still holding, he couldn’t bear looking at Makoto, the sight would definitely make him cry too. “You care about me more than anyone I’ve ever met… It's enough.”

“I can't  _ stand  _ this.” Makoto's whisper sounded more painful than anything before. He must have been really desperate, and hurt.

“I want to stop,” Haruka's voice was really weird and he was crying now, big tears falling down his cheeks. “I'm going to stop. I won't do it anymore. I don't want this anymore.” He crawled closer to Makoto, leaving his syringe and spoon on the floor where he was sitting before. “I really want to stop. I don't want to die.”

Makoto reached for him and Haruka got even closer, letting the older man hug him. This time it wasn't a warm hug full of care. It seemed like Makoto needed the proof and reassurance that Haruka was still there with him, still breathing, and Haruka actually needed the same.

That night they slept together in the living room, on the uncomfortable small sofa, and because they couldn't fall asleep, Makoto turned on his stereo. Being in the arms of the most amazing person he had ever met, listening to the music he loved and thinking of the better future that was becoming more real, made Haruka's night the best one ever.

  
  
  


_ I, I wish you could swim _

_ Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim _

_ Though nothing, nothing will keep us together  _

_ We can beat them forever and ever _

_ Oh we can be heroes just for one day... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, tell me what you think about this chapter! Is it good? Is it bad? It is longer than usually, way longer, but I could not stop writing somehow. It is also getting pretty long in general, but I have no idea how long it is going to be in the end. I have a basic plot in my head, but-  
> Well anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. The next chapters will be full of (hopefully) interesting things! Thank you all for your comments, feedback is what keeps me going! Kudos are love too. See you soon! 
> 
> Also come talk to me on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, how does everyone keep getting in here?
> 
> I had some issues writing this chapter, but I hope it didn’t affect it (that much). 
> 
> And maybe I should just rename this story to “Addicted to you”. Wouldn’t that be a cool title? I’m tired.
> 
> Also, as alwys, big thanks goes to my friend Madyson for the beta!

The first thing Haruka saw in the morning was Makoto’s peaceful face.The other man was still asleep and the expression he had was absolutely adorable. This cutie was only inches away from Haruka, so he could see every detail of his handsome face - his eyelashes that were fluttering a little, his lips that were slightly opened and the strands of sandy brown hair covering his forehead and partly one of his eyes.

Perfection.

Haruka had to fight the urge to caress Makoto’s face - or just simply touch it.

He wished he could just stay there, lying on the small and uncomfortable sofa and admiring the other's features, but he had to take care of himself first. As long as Makoto was still asleep, he could sneak out and get drugs. Well, it didn't really matter anymore since it wasn't a secret now, but Haruka still remembered the pain in Makoto's eyes, and he didn't want to see it again.

Carefully he got up, watching out for every move on the sofa. He almost had a heart attack when Makoto turned around - but the older man continued sleeping with an oblivious smile on his face.

I wonder what he is dreaming about.

He headed to the entrance hall, still wearing the clothes from yesterday - he thought he would take a shower once he comes back - and checked the pockets of his coat to find out whether he has any money.

The pockets were empty except for his syringe, spoon and ID card. He had no choice - he had to steal… No, borrow money from Makoto’s wallet. So he moved to the other man’s coat and started looking for the wallet in its’ pockets. Well, he could do a customer and get money that way, but it was too complicated and it would take a lot of time. He couldn’t afford that.

The pockets of Makoto’s coat were empty as well and he started panicking. He wasn’t going through a withdrawal yet, because last night he shot up pretty late, but he needed to shoot up now since it won’t be possible later.

Shit, shit, shit- His moves were getting faster and more nervous as he kept checking the pockets like the wallet was going to appear in them. Makoto always kept his wallet in the pocket of his coat, then where-

“Looking for this?”

Haruka turned around to see Makoto holding up the wallet he had hectically been looking for.. There was no soft nor kind light in the green eyes this time, they were unreadable and that was the worst - Haruka couldn’t tell what’s on the other’s mind at the moment.

“I’m-” He tried to talk, but then shut his mouth again, feeling his chin tremble. “Yes,” he breathed out in the end.

No answer. Haruka knew that he couldn’t get away with lies this time, he had to be honest and hope for the best.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a very weak voice. “I can’t go anywhere without shooting up. I’ll go through a withdrawal and that means I won’t be able to do anything. Anything but suffer.”

“I thought you wanted to stop.” Makoto sounded a little betrayed.

“I do want to stop. I need some time for that. I can’t stop right now.” Haruka hesitated before adding: “...Please?”

“I can’t just let you go buy something that might kill you.” Makoto shook his head almost aggressively like he didn’t want to hear anything Haruka said.

“Please, I’ll stop as soon as possible, but I can’t right now.” Haruka didn’t want to sound this desperate.

“I can’t give you money for that,” Makoto almost whispered, probably about to give up.

“Then give me time and I’ll do it my way.”

Blackmailing.

This worked. Makoto’s eyes widened when he realised what Haruka meant - and then they darkened, full of an emotion he had never shown before. Anger.

Then he slowly took a bank note out of his wallet and closed his eyes as he handed it to Haruka.

“I’ll take a shower and wait for you to come back from your... walk.”

“Thank you…” Haruka took the money and put on his coat, almost sprinting as he left the flat.

Makoto decided not to see it - and he couldn’t complain.

 

***

 

About an hour later they were waiting for Yamazaki in front of the studio inside the Heimat Records building.

They hadn’t said a word since Haruka returned to Makoto’s flat to shoot up and take a shower. The older man didn’t only ignore what had happened - he ignored Haruka completely.

And that hurt.

He had always been happy when people ignored him, he wanted it to be this way before, but now it was different. Makoto was the only person Haruka didn’t want to be ignored by.

I’m sorry, he wanted to say. I didn’t want this.

Please, say something.

I can’t stand this.

He was about to speak up when Yamazaki appeared, walking fast and failing to hide his excitement.

“The phones in my office are going crazy!” He exclaimed instead of a saying a quick “hello”. “Since yesterday I’ve been getting calls about the song, they want to make a music video for it, people keep talking about it on the internet, they want to know more about Nanase, they want more songs and interviews-” Yamazaki stopped talking to catch his breath. “We have to work really hard now. Your story,” with those words he turned and continued talking directly to Haruka, “will sell great.”

“My story?” The black haired boy repeated with a confused frown. “I thought it’s about my songs.”

“But your story is important too. In interviews. A young drug addict with a tragic past who came straight from the streets is finally making his dream come true, revealing his unbelievable talent and becoming a famous musician. People will love you.”

“Sousuke.” Makoto’s voice sounded like a warning.

“Fuck your morals, Makoto, we have a great chance and I’m not gonna waste it,” Yamazaki almost growled. Haruka looked at him, then at Makoto again.

“I’m not going to allow this.” Makoto’s voice was cold, as well as his eyes.

“Nanase, go to my office, please.” Even though Sousuke used “please”, it was clearly an order. “It’s on the floor above this one. You can’t miss it.”

Haruka thought that maybe, just maybe he should have been a part of this conversation, it was all about him, after all, but he simply nodded, knowníng that he wouldn’t be able to do anything anyway. He handed his guitar to Makoto - who was surprised, but grabbed it - and walked away. The thing with the guitar could be seen as a hidden message. “I trust you, don’t betray me.” Because Haruka still couldn’t forget about the incident with Makoto and Yamazaki and expected-

No, he didn’t expect anything. Nothing was going to happen. Also, it didn’t have to mean anything, he just didn’t feel like carrying his guitar around all the time.

And if something happened… Was he even allowed to see it as his business?

No, he wasn’t. Yet he couldn’t rid of the heaviness in his chest he started experiencing more and more often.

He entered the elevator cabin again, not looking back, getting oddly paranoid about what he could see.

Yamazaki was right - he couldn’t miss it. In the end of the hallway full of doors - behind which were the other offices, Haruka figured - there was a huge entrance door with the company’s logo on it and a label. When Haruka came closer, he could read what’s written on it.

Sousuke Yamazaki, the director of Heimat Records

He had also noticed Makoto’s office next to Yamazaki’s.

Makoto Tachibana, the deputy director

Just seeing Makoto’s name made his stomach feel lighter and his brain realise that he was still upset about their...what? Arguement? Was it even an arguement?

He sighed and knocked on the door. No response. Well, Yamazaki was downstairs, so there is probably no one inside… Should he go in? He took a deep breath before opening the door - Yamazaki’s orders were clear, after all.

The office was really light - white walls, furniture made of light brown coloured wood, the computer on the table was silver. The room was full of plants - probably not Yamazaki’s choice, though. He didn’t look like the type. There was a lot of certificates and photos of successful musicians on the walls.

Haruka stepped closer to one of the framed pictures. There were three men in it - on the left side he saw Yamazaki and the man on the right he recognised as Makoto. Both of them were smiling at the camera and half hugging the person in the middle - the red haired guy with a happy bright smile holding some kind of a prize. Haruka stared at the photo, wondering when was it taken and who could the person in the middle be.

“That was the last time he smiled like this.”

Haruka turned around quickly, startled by the sudden words spoken behind him.

“Three years ago,” the woman in a white shirt and a black skirt continued. Her hair was long, red and tied up in a ponytail. “Are you Mr. Nanase?”

“Yes…” Haruka answered, still a little agitated. “That’s me.”

“I’m Kou Matsuoka, Sousuke’s secretary. You can call me Kou.” She gave him a reserved yet nice smile.

“Who were you talking about?”

“Oh, just remembering good old times. The person from the picture was the most successful singer in this company…” Kou looked away from the picture and her eyes focused on Haruka. “Until now, considering what I’ve heard about you.”

Another compliment Haruka couldn’t react to, so he just returned to the previous topic.

“What happened to him?”

It seemed like Kou’s face darkened and the look in her eyes was sad… almost pained.

“He was really sad.” Her mouth, with the lips pressed together, created a thin line. “Depressed, and there was no one who could help him. Of course, he and Sousuke were really close. But Sousuke never saw his pain - and couldn’t detect the reason of his pain. And I was too young to do anything. So R- he started drinking. It was getting worse and worse… It destroyed his life. His performances were terrible, he lost friends and in the end, even his will to live. He killed himself almost two years ago.”

“Alcohol is bad. It destroys people.” Haruka looked away because he didn’t want to stare at Kou while she was clearly in pain yet answering his question. Also, he didn’t want her to see his own pain, suddenly appearing as the girl’s words made him remember things he desperately wanted to forget.

“Isn’t that a little hypocritical from you?” She mimicked, stabbing a syringe in her arm.

His eyes widened - that was unexpected.

“How do you-”

“Makoto gave us some information about you before bringing you here. Actually, even before bringing you home.” She walked over to the chair that was placed next to the table against - probably - Yamazaki’s chair and patted it like she was telling him to sit down. So he did. She sat down on the table in front of him and crossed her legs. “He said he met a guy who is obviously addicted to something and lives in the streets, but he has a talent Makoto had never seen before. So he wanted to help you, to save you. Sousuke said it was a really bad idea and told him not to do it. But, as you can see, Makoto didn’t listen. And I think Sousuke is glad that things are this way. Because he is really excited about you. You are really good, after all.” She shrugged. “And I’m sure you remind him of-” She almost said a name. “...him.”

“Oh.” It was a lot of information for Haruka and he couldn’t find words he could use, so he just nodded. Also, he hated how his heart started beating a little faster when Kou mentioned Makoto’s name-

“Does… Does Yamazaki like you?” he asked before he could even think about his words. Kou blinked, obviously confused.

“You mean… if he touches me and stuff?” And stuff. Haruka nodded. “Well, sure. He does that with a lot of people, and I’m his secretary. You’d say that I’m his favourite, wouldn’t you? I’m not, though. There is one person I can never beat. No, two. Because the first one is still in his heart.” She leaned a little closer. “You know… When he died, that’s when Sousuke started getting… closer to his employees.”

I think he feels lonely.

Those words made perfect sense now. Also he didn’t have to ask to know who is the other person Kou can never beat.

This world is so, so cruel. People who deserve happiness keep getting hurt and bad people get away with anything, and I’m in the middle of everything, feeling nothing.

Wait, not anymore. His chest was aching again with the desire to go and apologise to Makoto for always complicating things, for using him every day and not paying him back. Who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow? In one hour? In one minute? There was no use in wasting time caring about useless and stupid things - the only important thing was to spend every minute doing something that was worth living.

He was ready to get up and leave the office, ignoring everything and everyone just to do what his heart wanted, for the first time in a long while he felt like listening to his emotions, but before he could do anything, the door opened and Yamazaki walked in.

“Kou, dear, a cup of coffee, please,” he said when he entered his office. Kou immediately stood up.

“The things I told you… Take them as a warning,” she told him quietly before leaving the office. On her way out she almost bumped into Makoto who followed Yamazaki inside. Haruka stood up and had to fight the urge to apologise right then, right there.

“We are done discussing,” Yamazaki said and walked over to his chair. As he was sitting down, he kept staring at the raven haired boy. “Now we can start working.”

“Sousuke was right.” Makoto’s voice sounded weird, like resigned or worried? “It will be the best to work hard and make you famous quickly, now that people are interested in you.”

“Okay then,” Haruka agreed, because as long as Makoto said it’s the best, he will do it.

“I’ll send you to our stylist, he’ll choose some clothes for your performances and photoshoots.” Before Yamazaki finished talking, he was already holding his phone and dialing a number. “Now if you excuse me, I have to work. Kou will take you there. Makoto, if you could do the thing we’ve discussed before…”

“Sure.” Makoto gave Haruka one last long gaze before walking away again.

It was frustrating.

He had no time to think about it, though. A few seconds later Kou returned with Yamazaki’s coffee and took him to the third floor where the stylist’s studio was.

“Good luck. Oh, and our stylist is a little friendly and crazy, so don’t be shocked.” She must have noticed Haruka’s worried expression, because she chuckled and said: “He is nice. Just thought you would be surprised.”

When Haruka opened the door, the first thing he saw was an absolute mess. There were boxes and clothes and fabric everywhere on the floor of the huge room with a lot of mirrors on its walls. Haruka thought he had mistaken the door and wanted to walk away, when he hear a voice coming from one of the piles of clothes.

“Wait! Don’t go away!” A blonde head appeared on top of the clothes, then the (pretty short) guy walked from behind the pile. “Hey! What are you doing here?” His voice sounded really cheerful and Haruka suddenly knew what Kou meant.

“I came here to meet the stylist…”

“Then you came to the right person!” The little guy who didn’t look much older than Haruka - he wore really weird clothes, pink pants and a black T-shirt with tears on its shoulders - almost exclaimed. “My name is Nagisa and I’m the stylist of this company! I usually have coworkers here, but today I’m alone. I thought I could deal with the new stuff that came this morning myself, but as you can see…” Nagisa looked at the mess desperately. “I obviously can’t.”

“Uh… My name is Haruka Nanase.”

“Oh, that’s you! Our new star!” Nagisa looked like he was about to hug him, but Haruka’s expression probably made him change his mind. “Nice to meet you. Sousuke sent you?”

“Yes, you are supposed to choose clothes for my performances and uhm…” Well, Haruka had never been good with words.

“Photoshoots?” Nagisa frowned a little, like he was completely focused on his thoughts. “Well, sure I can do that. But first… Will you help me clean up, please?”

About an hour later, they both were sitting on the ground of a completely cleaned up room, feeling really tired.

“Wow, you are good at this,” Nagisa said and stretched his tired muscles.

“I used to clean my room a lot.” Haruka shrugged. He always liked keeping his room tidy - it was the only thing that kept him sane in his old house.

“I’ve heard you live in the streets.”

“Not anymore.”

“Oh, right, you live with Mako, right?”

Haruka looked at the man sitting next to him, kind of afraid to find out his opinion, but Nagisa was smiling and it was a big, sincere smile. The raven haired boy nodded.

“He is really nice, isn’t he?”

“Yeah… Too much sometimes,” Haruka mumbled.

“Do you share a bed with him?”

Haruka turned to the blonde again, eyes widened in shock. Nagisa was making fun of him - but somehow it didn’t come out as mean. Maybe because of his big, honest and now a little amused magenta eyes.

“Of course not,” Haruka growled.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you two are dating.” Nagisa shrugged and laid down on the floor, watching the ceiling.

“Dating?” Haruka was really confused about this conversation.

“Well, most artists are gay. That’s why I’m assuming things.”

“I’m not gay,” the black haired man said and it was true, or at least he thought so.

“Have you kissed a guy?”

“Yes.”

“Did you like it?”

Haruka remembered Makoto’s lips pressing against his and suddenly felt his heart beat faster and his ears turn red. “...Yes.”

“That says you might be into guys,” Nagisa continued on with his interview. “Have you slept with a guy?”

“Yeah.”

“Once or more times?”

“More times.”

“Did you like it?”

“No.”

“Wait, then why the hell were you doing it repeatedly?” Nagisa’s voice was a little louder with the last question.

“For money.”

“Oh.”

“Yes…” Haruka couldn’t help but smirk. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realise- Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“But you… You like Mako, right?” Nagisa sat up again, now with a quite serious look on his face.

“Why do you think so?” Haruka’s gaze was focused on the floor.

“Well… You live with him, even though he is a complete stranger to you… You made a lunchbox for him the other day. I’ve seen it and it must have been you, because Mako can’t cook and everyone knows that.”

“But he can do a lot of other things,” Haruka interrupted him. “Not everyone must know how to cook.”

“See? You are defending him,” Nagisa said in a victorious tone and Haruka felt the blood rush in his cheeks again. “Also… When I mentioned his name, your expression changed. It became somehow… softer?”

“Softer…” Haruka repeated. “Really?”

“Yes. I think you like him a lot.” Nagisa was more sure than Haruka about his own damn feelings. “And… He told me that he likes you a lot too.” Nagisa winked at the other and Haruka almost forgot how to breathe.

Did Makoto seriously say that…? What does it mean “like a lot”? As a friend? Or…?

“Stop worrying about it now, we have to work.” Nagisa stood up and ran over to the huge, huge closet and opened it.

Haruka had never seen so much clothes - maybe in the stores with clothes, but he wasn’t completely sure about that. The blonde seemed really excited about it and Haruka started feeling a little interested as well.

In the end, the stylist put so much clothes on him it would be enough for his entire life. It was quite exciting though - like he was becoming a new person with each piece of clothing he put on.

Nagisa decided to go with mostly black and blue, and even a few red pieces - to match with the colour of his guitar, the blonde had said and Haruka was happy that someone had noticed the colour of his beauty. Then, the shorter male said he heard this from Makoto - another heartwarming thing.

The stylist dressed him in ordinary, yet elegant clothes, it looked casual and Haruka felt comfortable.

“Keep them all. It’s a gift from the company. No, from me. I like working with you - and want you to always have something to wear.” Nagisa forced him to take a bunch of clothes he liked the most and it was such a nice gesture, the raven haired guy could hardly believe it. Why was everyone so nice to him?

“Thank you…”

“Don’t mention it.” Nagisa really hugged him this time, but it was through the clothes, so Haruka didn’t mind that much. “Now go. Right to Mako’s office.” Another wink.

Seems like this guy knows more than he should… Haruka’s lips formed into a small smile as he used the elevator to get to the second floor. He was tired after all the cleaning and dressing up, but… Nagisa’s presence was quite refreshing.

The smile was replaced by nervousness once he arrived to the door of Makoto’s office. He hesitated for a few seconds, took a deep breath and knocked.

“Come in,” he heard Makoto’s soft voice and did exactly what he was told.

“Hey,” he said and his voice was a little muffled - he had a lot of clothes, after all.

“Hey, Haru- Woah, what’s that?”

Makoto stood up - Haruka more heard than saw - and walked over to the other, taking half of the clothes.

“I got a lot of clothes from Nagisa,” Haruka explained, avoiding Makoto’s eyes. Is he still angry? He sounded normal, but-

“That’s nice of him.” Makoto’s voice didn’t sound different from usual - soft and warm and reminding Haruka of nice things.

“Yeah.”

There it was - awkward silence.

“Let’s put this down,” Makoto said in the end, placing the clothes on his table and Haruka did the same. “Haru… I’m sorry for this morning. I was really acting like an idiot. I shouldn’t have stopped talking to you, but I’m just… Worried. Hurt. I hate seeing you like this.” Makoto leaned against his table with a heavy sigh. Suddenly he looked really tired.

Why is he apologising?!

“No, I am sorry.” Haruka stepped closer to the other, finally doing what he wanted to do since this morning. “I lied to you, I hurt you, I used you… And I hate myself for that. I’m really sorry.”

“I just want you to be happy… To stop killing yourself.”

“I know…” Haruka gulped. “I want to stop too.”

“And you can do it. We can do it. I’ll support you.” Makoto looked straight at Haruka and the look in his eyes was so determined, so powerful, so tender. Then he extended his arms. “Come here.”

And Haruka gladly did. He closed the distance between them and let the other pull him into a tight hug, resting his head on Makoto’s chest, inhaling his scent.

“I’ll be here for you,” Makoto whispered, caressing Haruka’s back. “I won’t ever let you go. I promise.”

And Haruka really, really wanted to believe this promise. To believe that everything is going to be okay and he will be able to stay like this, in Makoto’s arms till the end of everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYONE IS SO OOC WTF I’M SCREAMING KILL ME.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chap and the newcomers! I know the name of the secret guy from the photo (look at this phooootograaaaph) is never mentioned but everyone knows who he is, right? I wrote this chap during lessons and instead of studying for a big test, so I’m really going to regret this.  
> What was I talking about?  
> Nvm, please, tell me your opinion on this chap/story, because feedback is the most important thing for me! And kudos are love! See you soon!
> 
> Btw come talk to me on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Addicted to you as a title sucks. I’d name it “The drug in me is you.”  
> Or “Neverending story”, because it keeps getting fucking long and soon it will be too long and nobody will want to read it.  
> I’m very tired.

Haruka couldn’t stop pressing his body closer to Makoto’s and breathing in the sweet scent.

_ “He likes you a lot.”  _ Those words kept echoing in his mind.  _ Or maybe… Maybe  _ I  _ am the one who likes  _ him  _ a lot…? _

But Makoto didn’t let him think much, because the next second they lips were touching again in the lightest, sweetest kiss. The older man was holding Haruka’s face up, his hands were placed on the black haired boy’s cheeks, but so gently he could barely feel them, yet they heated up his skin, Makoto’s warmth raced through Haruka’s cold body.

The shorter man was holding on Makoto’s shoulders, unable to think anymore. His mind had been erased - there was nothing but their touch at the moment.

Too soon Makoto broke the kiss and stepped away, running his fingers through his hair nervously.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I couldn’t stop thinking of this morning the entire day… And now I couldn’t hold back.”

“Don’t worry about it.”  _ Stop apologising. _

“I just… I’ve been a little stressed about work lately,” Makoto said in a shaky voice. “And I care about you. So I’m really worried.”

Haruka’s heart sunk as he looked at the other who was clearly hurt. He had no idea that Makoto was put under pressure at work, he had no idea he made it  _ worse  _ \- at least not this much.

“Nevermind. Sorry. Let’s get lunch,” Makoto broke the intimate moment, apparently nervous about showing his emotions too much, but Haruka didn’t mind at all. It was the complete opposite, actually.

He wanted Makoto to trust him as much as he wanted to trust Makoto.

 

After eating their lunch it was time for recording. Yamazaki himself wanted to see it, so he kept visiting the studio - the ones in charge were people Haruka didn’t know, therefore he felt a little uncomfortable, but once he started playing, he didn’t care about anything anymore.

It was a long hard day and in the evening Haruka felt drained yet,  _ good.  _ It was weird, but after doing  _ something,  _ especially something he enjoyed, he felt better about himself and his life in general.

Now he was sitting in Makoto’s living room with a cup of coffee in his hands, covered with a warm blanket. He was forbidden to cook, well, to do  _ anything, _ except for relaxing and writing his new song.

Makoto was sitting across of him in an armchair, still working. It took the older man a few minutes to convince Haruka that it’s really okay to just sit and focus on the song while he is still hard working.

Makoto was buried in a pile of papers and typing on his laptop. He looked tired - there were huge dark circles under his eyes - but he wouldn’t get a break.

The next few days were blurry - recording, shooting up, sleeping, shooting up, recording, noticing that his song  _ Silhouettes  _ was getting more and more popular and watching Makoto wearing himself out. He smiled less, looked stressed and exhausted and  _ tense.  _ He didn’t even have the time nor strength to check on Haruka and his shots anymore. Sometimes, Haruka would go home alone because Yamazaki needed Makoto in the Heimat Records building. After a few days, when all songs (except for the last one) were recorded, Haruka was told to get two days off and finally write the song.

So he found himself sitting in Makoto’s living room again, staring at a piece of paper and biting the pen. He tried a few times but all of his attempts were unsuccessful, useless even.

Love song. How the hell is he supposed to write a love song?

He needed inspiration - but all of his previous songs were inspired by his life. But there was no love in his life, so what-

Wait. Love means feelings, right? And he does feel something for someone.

Haruka closed his eyes and leaned into the sofa, relaxing his body and mind, and this was the first time he completely allowed his feelings to take over, to fill him with shaky pleasure and pain and confusion, the pictures of Makoto and the memories of their touches and kisses.

Every single thing Makoto had done and every single thing Haruka had felt, in one moment, in one song.

He started writing and his hand was writing almost as fast as his thoughts and emotions were appearing in his mind, he couldn’t control it, it felt like something was using him to create those words.

 

_ Can you hear _

_ the words inside me? _

_ Can you see _

_ what I’m trying to say? _

_ Would you please _

_ give me some time? _

_ While I’m screaming without words. _

 

_ I’m trying to escape and break through _

_ the endless hall of emotions _

_ I’m dying to hold your arm and push you away _

_ Please, stay and disappear. _

 

_ Can you look _

_ into my eyes, so empty? _

_ Can you hold _

_ my body and never let go? _

_ Would you please _

_ save me? Kill me… _

_ When I’m wiping blood off of my face _

 

_ I’m trying to escape and break through _

_ the endless hall of emotions _

_ I’m dying to hold your arm and push you away _

_ Please, stay and disappear. _

 

_ Stay and disappear _

_ Stay and disappear _

_ Stay… _

 

He wrote the whole song in one go. He had no idea how much time it took - minutes? Hours? But he felt drained, yet strangely satisfied.

His songs had always been a part of him,  _ made  _ of him, but he had never felt this exposed before. He had never felt  _ this way  _ before, so exposed, naked, overwhelmed, lonely. He couldn’t wait to hear the sound of the door opening-

He covered his face with his hands and laid down on the sofa, unbelievably frustrated.

Love song.

 

***

 

When Makoto opened the entrance door of his flat, Haruka was sitting on the sofa again, after he finished cooking. He was staring at the TV that wasn’t on, completely lost in his mind. Makoto’s heavy sigh brought him back to reality.

He looked up just to see the other man sitting down next to him, and his heart almost skipped a beat as his chest heaved in pain.

Makoto’s face was pale, the emerald eyes lost their usual sparkle and the dark circles under his eyes made him look older.

“How was your day?” Makoto asked in a little hoarse voice, glancing at Haruka. His jaw was shaking a little.

“Not as hard as yours, I guess.” Haruka frowned - Makoto now looked more destroyed than the drug addict himself. The brown haired man gave him small, exhausted smile.

“Sousuke has to take care of some things out of the city… I’m practically doing all of mine and his work at the same time.” He sighed again, even heavier than before. “It’s pretty stressful.”

“You are so tense…” Haruka mumbled when their shoulders brushed together. “You should relax.”

“It’s hard. I can’t relax, I can’t even sleep.”

Haruka was filled with a strange desire to help - he owed this man a lot and hated to see him like this. There wasn’t much he could do, but…

He cupped one of Makoto’s cheeks and brought their faces together, pressing his lips against the other’s.

Makoto froze in shock - he didn’t expect it at all. It took him a few seconds to respond, but then he melted into the kiss, deepening it.

It was as soft as usually, but Haruka was more initiating this time, licking Makoto’s lower lip and sliding his tongue into the other’s mouth. Makoto hummed into the kiss, running his fingers through Haruka’s hair while the black haired boy caressed his thigh.

Makoto broke the kiss and glanced at the other with a soft look in his eyes and a tender smile.

“Thank you, Haru,” he whispered and kissed the younger man’s forehead.

But Haruka wasn’t done yet. He connected their lips again and slid his hand up, suddenly grabbing Makoto’s crotch and gave it a little squeeze.

Makoto gasped and broke the kiss again, staring at Haruka with his eyes widened.

“What are you-”

“Helping you relax,” Haruka interrupted him in a calm voice, still rubbing his crotch.

“Haru, you don’t have to-”

“Shh.” It wasn’t the first time the raven haired guy was doing something like this, so he should feel confident, but this was different from all his previous experiences. He gained some confidence when he felt Makoto hardening under his hand and the nervousness in the green eyes was slowly turning into affection and  _ desire. _

“I don’t want you to do anything you wouldn’t-”

“I know,” Haruka cut him off again, trying to sound as calming as possible. “I want to make you feel better.”

“Then let me make you feel better too.” Makoto reached his hand to touch the other as well, but Haruka stopped him.

“No.”

“Why not? I just wanted to-  _ ah. _ ” Another squeeze made Makoto stop talking and Haruka could continue his actions. He unzipped the other’s man pants and with Makoto’s help he tugged them down to his knees. He completely ignored Makoto’s semi hard cock, instead he returned to his lips and kissed him again, deeply and passionately. When their lips parted, Haruka whispered into Makoto’s ear while his hands slid down, caressing the other’s broad chest.

“I’ve heard this helps with stress, and headaches.”

“I could have just taken a pill…”

“You’d rather take pills than have this?” Haruka looked at Makoto’s face with a slight surprise written in his expression.

“I mean… You are different from your usual self now. I don’t want a  _ hooker.  _ I just want you.” Makoto was nothing but sincere at the moment and Haruka felt this weird chest pain again and his eyes almost started filling with tears as he realised what this all is about and how pure

Makoto’s feelings and intentions are.

“Then you’ll have me,” was all he could say.

So they were kissing again and this time it resembled their first kiss, so soft and a little shy, yet full of burning emotions. Makoto mumbled Haruka’s name into the kiss and the raven haired boy used his distraction to slide his hand down to his crotch again, this time under his underwear. He was surprised to find Makoto’s cock already hard and leaking with precum a little.

“I’m…” Makoto’s ears turned slightly red. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been this turned on from just kissing-”

“It’s okay,” Haruka whispered. “It’s okay.” He gripped Makoto’s cock with his hand and earned another sharp intake of breath from the other. He moved his hand up and down experimentally and watched Makoto’s reactions.

The sandy brown haired man closed his eyes and parted his lips slightly, obviously enjoying the touch. Haruka, encouraged by the sight, started moving his hand faster, squeezing Makoto harder. The older man threw his head back when a quiet, muffled moan escaped his mouth. Haruka leaned a little closer and, never stopping moving his hand, pressed a few kisses on the exposed neck.

Unlike during his previous experiences, Haruka found himself enjoying the expressions and noises Makoto was making. He also enjoyed touching him in such an intimate way and being the one responsible for such hot and beautiful reactions. He rubbed the head of Makoto's member, smearing precum. This move made the other man shiver and when he opened his eyes, Haruka could see all the lust and pleasure Makoto felt. He got lost in those eyes for a moment - such an intense look, the dark green colour, he couldn't look away. The only noises filling the room were the sounds of skin rubbing against skin and Makoto's pants and faint moans.

“Haru…” He said all of sudden, breaking the silence with his hoarse voice followed by another gasp. “I'm…” He didn't finish his sentence, instead he found Haruka's lips and kissed him hard. It caught the raven haired boy off guard, but his moves didn't stop and soon Makoto was moaning into his mouth, only a few deep and a little muffled moans that made Haruka's body feel light and weak. Another thing that made him feel lightheaded was the fact that Makoto wanted to kiss him while he came.

A few drops of the hot liquid landed on Haruka's hand and stayed there even after he let go of Makoto's member. After breaking the kiss, Makoto had to catch his breath and probably clear his head a little bit. Then he took the tissues lying on the table and cleaned Haruka's hand first, then his abdomen and belly.

They both remained silent, waiting for the other to start talking first. Makoto slowly pulled up his pants again and then glanced at Haruka with a big, tender smile.

“I feel better now. Thank you.”

The younger boy didn't know what to say, so he just looked down. After a few seconds he felt a light kiss on his temple.

“How do you feel?”

Haruka didn't answer, just moved closer to Makoto and rested his head on the other's chest. Within a second he was pulled into a tight embrace.

“Did I scare you? Did I hurt you?” Makoto mumbled into Haruka's hair.

“It was my idea,” the younger boy whispered, wrapping his arms around Makoto's waist.

“Yeah, but… Doesn't it feel disgusting?”

“As long as it's you…” Haruka paused, feeling weird while talking about his feelings openly. “As long as it's you, it's okay.”

“You can’t expect me to pretend this never happened,” Makoto said and let go of the other a little bit to look into his eyes. The emerald green orbs was serious and sincere.

“Why would I want that?”

“Maybe you don’t want our relationship to...change?” Then Makoto frowned a little and sighed. “I mean… What are we even doing? Our relationship already has changed, and keeps changing.” Haruka didn’t answer, so Makoto decided to continue. “We kiss every day now and today... “ Makoto paused, letting the words float through the room. “I really care about you, Haru. I just don’t want you to think that I’m using you. That I took you in just to play with you.”

“Stop being so hard on yourself,” Haruka finally managed to speak up. “You’ve done for me more than anyone else in my entire life. I’m really thankful. And I know it looks like I’m just trying to return the favour and pay you in the only way I know, but… I enjoyed that. I’ve never enjoyed anything with my customers.”

“I’m so sorry, Haru. I’m sorry you had to go through such things.” It looked like Makoto was trying to apologise for every bad thing that happened in Haruka’s life.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

Makoto sighed, pulling away from Haruka completely. The black haired boy now felt cold and strangely empty.

“What are we doing?” He repeated Makoto’s previous question. He felt a curious look of the other but didn’t look his way, instead he stared at the ground. “We don’t even know each other. You don’t know me. I don’t know you.”

“I don’t have to know you to care about you.” Makoto moved closer to grab Haruka’s hand. “As I told you before. I knew I needed you the first time I saw you, and every day I need you more and more.”

“I…” Haruka couldn’t find the right words, couldn’t say anything to respond to those heartwarming words. “I finished the song.”

“Really?” It seemed like there was a sign of disappointment in Makoto’s eyes that was quickly covered with a smile. “That’s great!”

“I’ll show you.” Haruka reached for the piece of paper he left on the table - it was the final version of the song he wrote earlier that day. Makoto put on his glasses and started reading it right after Haruka handed it to him.

“This is awesome,” he said after a while. “I really like it. Just…” He leaned closer to the other so Haruka could see where his finger is pointing. “...this sentence.  _ When I’m wiping blood off of my face.  _ Wouldn’t  _ tears  _ be better instead of  _ blood _ ? I mean… Why would there be blood on your face? And…” He took off his glasses, placing it on the table together with the song. “There is nothing wrong with crying.”

“Tears,” Haruka repeated. “Tears… I didn’t think of this one. Yes. It fits more. Tears.” And really, lately he had been feeling like crying more than in the past few years. “That song…” He said quickly before he could change his mind. “That song is about- about you.”

Makoto’s eyes widened and jaw dropped as his mind started processing this fact.

“You… This… Me…” He had to take a deep breath to calm down. “Haru…”

“I’m sorry if I scared you or something.” Hauka avoided looking at the other man’s face, worried about his reaction. “That’s just how I feel… I can’t lie in my songs. I can’t hide my feelings.”

“Haru…” This time Makoto’s voice was really shaky and he was probably on the verge of crying as he hugged Haruka as tightly possible. “Haru, oh my god. Oh my god.  _ I love you.  _ I love you, Haru.”

The world stopped. What did he just say? Was he serious? Was this just a dream? Love…?

“I think I really, really fell in love with you. I don’t know when, maybe the first time I saw you, maybe later, but I can’t, I can’t anymore…” Makoto’s speech that was full of emotions, sounded so distant to Haruka, yet his brain, and his body saved every word.

_ I love you, Haru. _

Makoto probably expected an answer, or maybe he didn’t, because he kept hugging Haruka even though the other didn’t return the hug, too shocked and overwhelmed to do anything. Everything was slow and the world didn’t work quite right, but was it even important at this moment? He felt so high, higher than ever before, like Makoto and everything he was doing were new drugs that were taking him right to heaven.

And Haruka wished he knew what to say.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for updating this so late, but life is shit sometimes. Right now I’m not sure whether I want to die or get drunk or die while getting drunk. The end of the school year is hard.  
> Anyway. This chapter is probably the shittiest one so far and I absolutely can’t write smut and I know that, please don’t kill me-  
> Please, tell me what you think about this chapter and I hope I’ll be able to update the next one in time. 
> 
> As always, big thanks goes to Madyson for being the best beta!
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back and late again since my life has been pretty crazy AND I got into a small writer's block.
> 
> Sorry for the clingy/cuddly mood that appears in this chapter, but I wrote this when I was tired and/or depressed, so it's a little overdone, I guess. I just need a hug.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this chap!
> 
> As always, big thanks goes to my awesome beta, my friend Madyson!

Even though the touch of their fingers as they were sitting on the sofa was light, almost unnoticable, Haruka felt it strongly and intensely.

What Makoto said, what they had done, was probably the reason why he could write the music for his newest lyrics without any problems. The tones and chords just added more emotions to the song. The melody felt so bittersweet in his ears, so pleasurably painful.

Now, in the evening, he could afford relaxing since everything was done - including cooking and his evening shot. Of course Makoto knew that. He knew that Haruka didn’t go out for a walk. And well, Haruka didn’t even bother lying to him.

Did it even matter, though?

Life is too short to care about silly, unimportant things. To waste chances.

“I’m sorry,” said he, quietly but still loudly enough for Makoto to hear.

“For what?”

“For not telling you how I feel. About you. About this whole thing.”

In the next second he was held by strong, yet gentle hands, feeling the fingers caressing his skin softly and a few kisses in his hair.

“Is this what bothers you? Don’t worry. You already told me.”

Haruka narrowed his eyes in confusion. “I did?”

“In your song. That’s enough.” Makoto’s voice sounded really happy and that calmed Haruka down a bit, but not completely.

“It’s not even nice,” he objected in an unsure voice. “It’s more about me being messed up.”

“It shows me that you care about me.” Haruka could _hear_ the smile in the other’s voice. “And that...That really makes me happy.”

Strange warmth spread in Haruka’s chest and he couldn’t help but wonder - what did he do to deserve meeting such a sweet, amazing person? To be _loved_ by him?

“I just wanted to say that I can wait. I’ll give you all the time in the world. Please, don’t feel pressured.” Makoto placed his head on Haruka’s shoulder with a soft chuckle. “I should keep my mouth shut sometimes, right?”

“Keep doing what you are doing,” Haruka said finally, wrapping his arms around Makoto’s body, not sure whether he was trying to comfort the other or himself. “Keep being yourself. Because you are… perfect that way.”

“Haru…” Makoto’s grip tightened, but it wasn’t uncomfortable - the exact opposite, actually. “I’ve dated a few people. Women, men. I loved them a lot, I did, but… I’ve never felt like this before. When I’m with you, it’s like everything is upside down, yet so right and everything is more intense… Sorry if it doesn’t make sense.” Makoto pulled away a little, still holding Haruka’s waist, but they weren’t hugging anymore.

“It does make sense to me,” said Haruka. He was a junkie, after all - and Makoto sounded like he was describing his first trip.

Love is like a drug, huh?

“I’m glad then,” said Makoto with the most tender look.  

“Tell me more about yourself,” Haruka blurted out, taken by the intimacy of the moment, desperate to get closer to the other. Makoto blinked, obviously surprised, but then he leaned against the sofa, looking for a comfortable position. Whe he found it, he spread his arms and reached for Haruka, who gladly leaned against his body, resting his head on the broad chest and sitting in his lap.

“What do you want to hear?” Makoto’s voice sounded somewhat deeper, now that Haruka’s head was on his chest. He thought he could fall asleep like this, listening to Makoto’s beautiful voice.

”Something about your life. About you.”

Makoto huffed amusedly into Haruka’s hair. “I’m not interesting, though.”

“For me you are.”

“Oh, Haru…” Makoto murmured and ran his fingers through the other’s hair. “So, I’ve lived alone since I was 19 - when my parents left for America, I had to find my own place and start living on my own. It was a shock at first, but I got used to it.” He paused and chuckled. “It was pretty hard at the beggining. When it comes to my childhood… I would describe it as average. Loving family, good grades, a group of friends. Nothing really unusual. Then there is the music part of my life… But I already told you about that. The last thing is my miserable love life. It all began with the girl who commited suicide. Then I dated five more people and every relationship ended up in a terrible disaster. It’s like I’m cursed or something.” He remained silent for a while and Haruka didn’t really feel like breaking the silence either. He liked to hear more about Makoto, of course, but it was somehow… sad? Makoto definitely deserved better. “I hope the curse is going to break this time.”

Haruka hoped so too.

  


***

  


The next morning was quite rushed again. Haruka slept unexpectedly peacefully on his futon, listening to Makoto’s breaths coming from the bed. (The older man still hadn’t given up on trying to exchange their sleeping places, but Haruka kept refusing.) Therefore he overslept a little and after putting on his new clothes from Nagisa - a pair of black pants and an elegant black shirt - he had to wait until Makoto finished brushing his teeth, even though they both knew what he needed the bathroom for.

Makoto didn’t say anything this time. He just walked past the other with a resigned look - Haruka somehow _won_ , but it made him feel like shit.

Also, as he soon found out the shirt wasn’t the best choice when you wanted to stab a syringe into your arm, so the procedure took longer than usual.

His fear of dying already disappeared, so he could get high normally again, therefore he didn’t care much about anything, but he still felt a little guilty when his eyes met Makoto’s.

_I will stop. Soon._ He promised to himself, as he did many times before. And in this mood they headed for Heimat Records.

Haruka was slowly getting used to this routine - doing similar things every day was kind of calming, after all. Of course he felt a huge change in his life, but he knew what to expect after waking up and that was pretty nice.

In the studio that had become his second home lately - weird, because a while ago he was still homeless and now he had two homes - he recorded the final song and got a satisifed nod from Yamazaki for that, and an invitation to his office.

This time, as he was sitting on the huge chair again, he was faced by the boss himself. Kou accompanied them as well - she brought a cup of coffee for Haruka. He was too nervous to ask for milk nor sugar, therefore he drank it all strong and black and hope he wouldn’t get a heart attack from that.

“I hardly take people from the streets to my company. I _never_ do that, to be exact.” Yamazaki stared at him, his teal eyes were cold, but kind of… interrested? Haruka stared back, unsure how to react. “That’s why I wasn’t sure about you at first,” Yamazaki continued. “But I trust Makoto. And I’m really glad I decided to give it a try. Because you are the best we’ve had here since... “ It almost sounded like his voice broke. “Since a long time ago. Now I’m definitely sure your music will sell. That’s why…” He opened his drawer and took out a papersheet, which he placed in front of Haruka. “I’m giving you this. It’s an official contract. All you have to do is sign it and write down your personal information here.” Another papersheet.

_This. This is the moment that will change my life forever._

He picked up the pen Yamazaki  handed him and signed the contract.

Then he focused on the other papersheet - it was basic personal information about him, such as his full name, date of birth and so on. He wrote down everything except for the address - then he asked Yamazaki to write Makoto’s address there.

“You know…” The boss said and did as he was asked (relucantely). “It’s not nice to… depend on someone this much. You should start taking care of things on your own. Makoto can’t be bothered with a junkie forever.”

“I know,” Haruka whispered and refused to admit that those words hurt him more than they should. He really was a burden.

“Think about it,” Yamazaki said as he nodded towards the door. “Oh, and you should get a phone, so we could contact you. I suppose you don’t have a bank account, do you?” Haruka shook his head. “Thought so. Well, the company will take care of it. Now, go to Nagisa’s office… You know where it is right?” Haruka nodded. “Great, you’ll do an album photoshoot with him. I’ll call Makoto here and we’ll… plan the date of your concert.”

The wicked smirk on Yamazaki’s lips made Haruka shiver a little. Or was he only imagining it?

He really wished he could talk to Makoto right now. He didn’t even need to discuss anything, he just… wanted to see him, to hear his voice.

He headed to Nagisa’s office (if he could call it an “office”) with a heavy sigh. If he remembered well, it was on the floor above this one… Oh, yeah, here. He knocked on the door and after a (pretty loud) “come in!” he entered the room. For a while he wasn’t really sure whether it was the same room as he visited a few days before or not. It was extremely tidy, no traces of the mess he saw last time. The room was really big, full of closets and mirrors and on one of the chairs he saw Nagisa in really extravagant clothes. He had silver shining pants, a black tank top, leather boots and huge glasses with silver glitter.

“Hello!” He greeted Haruka cheerfully and - even though it was weird - the black haired boy felt his mood lighten up a bit. “I see you are wearing the clothes I gave you. Wow, you look good!” Nagisa got up from his chair to take a better look at the other. “It looks like you are going to attend a funeral, though.”

“I like black,” Haruka mumbled, feeling a little embarrassed about being judged for his clothes like that.

“I’m not saying it’s a wrong colour, but we’ll have to choose something else for the photoshoop. You have to choose an image, afrter all!” Nagisa looked so excited, Haruka was surprised he didn’t jump after every sentence he said.

“Image?” On the other hand, Haruka wasn’t excited at all. He never liked choosing clothes nor taking photos.

“You’ll be a famous musician soon, you need an image,” Nagisa said in an almost teacher-like tone.

“Okay,” Haruka sighed. _Annoying_.

“Sit down,” Nagisa ordered in a voice that didn’t allow any complaints. When his order was obeyed, he started running around and going through the closets, asking “what about this?” “and this one?” “do you like this one?” and Haruka’s answers were always “no”. He wanted to feel comfortable and natural, he didn’t need any neon-light colours nor shining suits. After something that seemed like forever to Haruka, Nagisa finally found something perfect...according to his words.

“I think this will definitely fit you… And your needs.”

It was a white shirt and a black tie. Haruka guessed he could keep the black pants he was wearing now - and of course, his heavy boots.

“Put it on,” Nagisa handed the clothes to their new owner. Haruka grabbed them, hesitating. “Oh c’mon, we’re both guys,” the blonde encouraged him.

Haruka took off his shirt slowly, trying to cover his arm a bit. It wasn’t a secret that he was a junkie, quite the opposite, actually, but it wasn’t a nice sight whatsoever. And he hated the stares he would definitely get. When his shirt was off, he put on the white one and in the end he put on the tie as well.

“Perfect,” Nagisa whispered. Haruka looked at him nervously, then got up and walked until he was standing in front of the mirror.

There was nothing, absolutely nothing in this world that fit his style or personality more than this. As Nagisa said - it was perfect for him.

“What do you think?” The blonde stylist was staring at him with his huge, magenta eyes.

“I think I’ve just found my image.” Haruka gave the other a faint smile, which lit up Nagisa’s eyes with joy and excitement.

“That’s great to hear! Time for the photoshoot then!”

Nagisa led him to another room that was on the same floor as his clothes studio. This time it was a photo studio - Haruka recognised it at the first sight. There was this huge pole with a gigantic light on it and many other smaller poles with lights that were all shining at one spot. The floor was covered with a piece of white cloth that continued up and was probably tied to something, this way it looked like a wall or something that made a good background.

There was also a man with purple hair, a serious expression and probably the most expensive camera Haruka had ever seen. When he and Nagisa entered the room, the man looked up and smiled nervously. He was wearing simple clothes, unlike his stylist colleague. It was just a navy blue T-shirt and jeans. He looked like the most normal and least elegant person in this building - and Haruka felt better around him.

“This is Rei,” Nagisa pointed at the purple haired guy, “he does photoshoots for our musicians. Rei, this is Haru, our new star.”

Haruka blinked - the only person who used the shortcut of his name was Makoto.

“I’ve heard about you from Nagisa a lot,” Rei smiled with an almost admiring look. “And of course, I heard your song. You are really amazing!”

Haruka looked down as he had to face compliments again - he thought he’ll never get used to that. “Thanks,” he managed in the end and felt like crap for that, but Rei was obviously satisfied.

“Okay, let’s get to work!”

  


***

  


They took many photos that day. Haruka had to do various positions, but Rei - and Nagisa, who gladly assisted him - thought that he looked the best when he was “casually sexy”. Haruka didn’t really understand what they meant by that, but it was apparently when he leaned against the wall or sat down and supported his chin with his fist - and most importantly, looked away from the camera. They also brought his guitar and took a few photos of him playing or simply holding it.

“This will drive fangirls crazy,” Nagisa said when Rei showed him the photos on his camera. “Do you wanna see the pics, Haru?”

“Not really…” He felt uncomfortable looking at his own photos, so he just hoped Rei and Nagisa would pick some in which he didn’t look that bad.

After the photoshoot ended, he was allowed to leave the studio. Before he did so, he said bye to Nagisa and Rei - he found their company surprisingly nice and he enjoyed working with them. He didn’t know how to tell them, though, so he just said “see you soon” and hoped it was enough.

The only thing he could do now was to ask Yamazaki what he should do now - but in the office he found only Kou.

“Sousuke is gone now, do you need anything?” she asked him, sitting on the director’s table again.

“What am I supposed to do now?” Haruka asked, trying to ignore the thought of Yamazaki being gone with Makoto.

“I think you can go home now,” the crimson haired girl shrugged. “The recording is finished… As well as the photoshoot. You don’t have to stay here. Unless you want to, of course.”

“I’ll go…” He turned to face the door, before he remembered something and turned back. “Could I please… Borrow some money?”

“Sure. How much?”

He bit his lip. This begging, borrowing money, this was so pitiful. But he had no choice. “10 Euros.”

“Here you go.” Kou handed him a bank note.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” she waved her hand. “Enjoy the rest of your day.”

He left the building with the bank note in his pocket and the red guitar on his back. There was only one place he could visit right now.

His dealer’s street near Potsdamerplatz.

He seriously needed the shot, after all. His chest felt heavy again and his whole body felt uneasy, nervous and upset. He can stop later. Even this might be his last shot, so. No need to feel guilty, right? As he took the subway to Potsdamerplatz, he was so focused on his thoughts he didn’t even notice people around him. Of course he didn’t have a ticket, but as he was buried in his mind, he looked calm, therefore not suspicious.

That was how he got to the place he knew really well - and the man he knew just as well was waiting in the small corridor.

He looked really surprised to see Haruka.

“I thought you really died this time.”

“I live somewhere else, so I can’t always come here.” Haruka didn’t even know why he decided to explain it to the dealer. The man raised his eyebrow.

“You live somewhere else?”

“I live with someone now.”

“Oh, I see.” The dealer nodded, like everything suddenly made sense. “Well, it’s better to have a regular than working the streets.”

Haruka frowned. “He isn’t my customer. I don’t sleep with him.”

“Everyone says that. Honestly, I don’t care. I won’t judge you for that.”

“He really isn’t my customer. He took me in, because… because he felt sorry for me.” Haruka bit his lip - it sounded really pitiful when he thought about it.

“Well…” The dealer looked serious all of sudden. “Then _he_ is the one being fooled.”

When Haruka left without the bank note, but with the drug instead, he was really angry. He came to buy the drug - usual, normal thing. And the dealer kept saying dumb things-

He really didn’t know why he was so angry about it, but the thought of Makoto being his customer was kind of upsetting. Also, the last sentence… For that, he was angry at himself just as much as at the dealer.

He really, really couldn’t wait for the shot. He almost ran home and had many problems opening the door with the spare key in his shaking hands. Finally, he placed his guitar in the corner of the living room, took off his coat and tossed it on the ground and walked over to the bathroom, where he cooked the drug.

Finally, finally, his sacred liquid was about to run through his veins. He pumped up his hand and stabbed the syringe full of the desired drug right into his arm.

The light surrounded him - he couldn’t see anything but the pure brightness, he could taste the blood on his tongue and feel his brain exploding inside his skull.

And then, there was nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, if you think this chap was shitty and a little half assed, you are right. I tried to write it as fast as I could because I'm leaving soon and therefore I won't have time and I didn't want to update even later. Also I'm afraid I'll die from alcohol poisoning this weekend, so I wanted to post this.   
> I'm super tired, please, forgive me if I don't make sense.  
> Please, let me know what you think about this chapter! Kudos are appreciated and comments seriously help me, especially these days.  
> ALSO, I started working on the SouRin prequel (?) for this story. Would you be interested in reading it?
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, I survived my drinking weekend and that means I'm back with another chapter. (A little later than planned and I'm sorry for that, but life had been busy for both me and my beta.)  
> Big thanks goes to Madyson for being such a great beta!  
> Finally, we are getting to the last chap! Or not? Find out under this note!  
> ALSO, we have Makoto's POV here! I'm writing in Makoto's POV for the first time ever aah I'm so nervous---

_ My world is upside down. _

_ It's like when you meet someone and something just… happens. And suddenly that person means so much to you and you don't even know how it happened.  _

_ It was something about Haru that changed my easy and strictly planned world. At first, my reasons were just sympathetic - I felt sorry for the poor talented guy, who had to suffer and live on the streets. I listened to my heart and conscience and helped him. I thought I could go see him time to time, give him some money, exchange a few sentences, earn his trust and then I would introduce him to Sousuke, who would start his career. But the day I found out he was going to kill himself I… panicked and took him in. _

_ Most people would call me stupid. Too naive. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t leave him out there, I couldn’t let him die. It just wouldn’t be fair if such a young person died.  _

_ Well, it wasn’t only about his age. The atmosphere about him was so… fascinating, mesmerizing. I needed more, I wanted to explore the things surrounding him and in the end I was sucked in. Yes, before I knew that, I was completely his. I fell in love.  _

_ I told Sousuke it’s all about the new, promising talent. I told myself I just felt sorry for Haru and his sad past. But the main reason I wanted to be closer to him was the feeling I got when he was around. I felt complete, I felt alive.  _

_ Because, even though my life was practically easy and full of things I enjoyed, I still felt kind of empty. Like there was something I needed to achieve, to find, but I had no idea what it could be or where to find it. But with Haru this feeling disappeared - like he was the something that made my life complete. It sounds like bullshit, right? Like something only a Harlequin book character would say. Wouldn’t finding a person in trouble, saving them from suicide and falling in love with them in the end make me a pathetic romantic person? Yes, it might have such an effect, but most importantly, it changed my life in the best way possible.  _

_ I don’t know anything about Haru’s past, and maybe it’s stupid of me that I didn’t ask him about it, but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. I want him to trust me, to tell me things he wants to share, because it feels like he isn’t very comfortable talking about personal things. I understand it. He needs time, I know that. I’ll give him all the time in the world. I would wait forever. I just want him to be happy, that’s all I need. That could be my next goal in life. I want to see more of his small smiles, I want to hear his laugh and be as close with him as possible. Not only physically. I want to be closer with him mentally.  _

_ I know I can’t do much for him - I can’t do much in general. I’m one of those easily replaceable, unimportant and unneeded people, that just kind of exist. I’m not the ‘main character’ type. I don’t have a big role in Haru’s life, but… _

_ I love him. That’s all I can say. I love him in such a strong way it almost scares me - and as long as he is happy, I can be happy, too. _

 

***

 

“Please… Oh my god, please, wake up!” Makoto’s voice echoed through the room and broke into a quiet sob. “Please…” He was shaking the body lying on the ground almost aggressively. “C’mon… Haru, wake up! You are not dead!”

Right.

Right, he isn’t dead. Haruka slowly opened his eyes - his vision was still blurry, but he could see the silhouette of Makoto kneeling next to his motionless body. Within a few seconds he got his sight back and now he could see everything clearly - the ceiling of the bathroom and Makoto’s face with a scared and desperate expression and tears running down his cheeks. 

“You are not dead…” He whispered once again, but this time it was filled with relief instead of desperation. The older man let go of Haruka’s shoulders he had been shaking and sat down, well, almost  _ broke  _ down on the floor. His face was pale and when Haruka blinked a few times and cleared his sight, he noticed that Makoto was shaking. 

The raven haired boy himself wasn’t in the best state either. He was still lying on the ground with the syringe in his arm. He sat down really slowly, because his head was still spinning around like he had been hit by a truck. Then he removed the syringe from his arm and it fell on the floor, because his hands were too weak to actually hold it. 

“I - I should call an ambulance,” Makoto mumbled and wiped his nose with the sleeve of his shirt. He looked destroyed - like someone brought him to the ground and kicked repeatedly. 

_ And it’s your fault,  _ added the voice in Haruka’s head in a mean, mocking voice.

“Please, don’t,” Haruka said in a hoarse voice. “No ambulance.”

“You could have died,” Makoto said and his chin was shaking. “You still could die.”

“I’ll be okay,” Haruka almost pleaded. “Just don’t call the doctors.”

“Why?”

“They would send me to the rehab.” Haruka hugged his knees and looked down - he couldn’t bear looking at the other, not now.

“But that’s what you need!” Makoto raised his voice and that made the younger boy look up in shock. “You need a rehab, Haru! I thought… I thought you were dead…” He covered his face with both hands and let out a few muffled sobs. “You have to stop, you have to live…”

“I’m sorry,” Haruka whispered. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...  I’ll stop, I just want to do that at home. I’m sorry...!”

“When I came home and found you… I thought my heart stopped for a while.” Makoto wiped his eyes and looked at the ceiling. “Everything stopped for a while. You looked dead, so pale and unconscious and with that… thing in your arm. I don't know what I'd do if you didn't open your eyes.” 

He then looked at Haruka with nothing but pain written on his face. “I thought you didn't want to kill yourself anymore.”

“I didn't… I don't want to kill myself. This was an accident… “ Haruka massaged his legs but still couldn't feel them. “I don't remember much. I know I left the studio and went to Potsdamerplatz. I bought the drug, went home and I guess I shot up and passed out.” 

“I thought I made a mistake and forced you to do something you didn't like.” Makoto sighed. “I'm sorry…”

“For what?”

“For not being by your side. For letting this happen.”

“It's only my fault. Don't worry about it.”

“Of course I have to worry!” Makoto raised his voice once more. “I don't want you to die!”

Haruka looked down, feeling like crap. “I don't want to die either.”

Suddenly he felt the already well known warmth around himself and gladly returned the hug. 

“I'm sorry,” Makoto whispered into his ear. “I’m acting like an idiot…”

“Let's just stop talking,” Haruka cut his apologies off and buried his face in the only scent that could calm him down at the moment.

“Let’s go clean you up.” Makoto started getting up but Haruka caught his hand and stopped him. 

“Makoto… I can't feel my legs.” It sounded a little more upset than planned - it came out of his mouth as a small sob. “I can't walk-”

“Shhh…” Makoto hugged him again and rocked him like a little baby to calm him down. “Are you sure you don't want to see a doctor?”

“No, no, no doctors,” Haruka shook his head as he kept holding on Makoto as tightly as possible. 

“Alright then… I won't force you to do anything as long as your problems are only temporary, deal?” 

Haruka just nodded, unable to really object anymore. 

“Now wait a second.” Makoto let go of him and stood up. Meanwhile Haruka wiped his tears, feeling really pathetic - he never cried, it was unusual for him and he hated it, hated himself for being so weak. He watched Makoto opening the closet and taking out a clean, white towel. The taller man put it under warm water in the sink and then returned to the boy sitting on the floor. 

“You'll mess up your towel,” Haruka said in a weak voice.

“Doesn't matter,” Makoto answered. He kneeled down in front of him and started wiping the other's face so carefully the raven haired boy could barely feel it. When he was finished, he tossed the towel on the floor. It was no longer white - now it was red.

“Blood?” Haruka blinked in confusion.

“Yeah, half of your face was completely covered in blood. I suppose you had a nosebleed.” Makoto frowned when talking about the other's previous state. “Now you should take a bath. I… I'll take one with you and wash you, if you don't mind.” The older man looked a little embarrassed and didn't dare to look at Haruka.

“Sure, why not.” Haruka wasn't afraid of Makoto - he would let this man do anything, after all. He trusted him with his life. He  _ wanted  _ to trust him. 

“Alright then, take your clothes off.” Makoto stood up again and prepared the bath while Haruka started taking his clothes off. It was pretty difficult, especially with his pants, but he managed to do it in the end. When the bathtub was full and Makoto turned the trigger off, he was already sitting on the floor naked. 

Makoto picked him up carefully like he was fragile and carried him to the tub. He placed him inside, just as carefully and got his shirt wet. Then he started taking his clothes off as well.

Haruka leaned against the wall of the tub and sighed in pleasure when he felt the warm water around his cold, aching body. It was exactly what he needed at the moment. 

“Is it really okay?” Makoto asked quietly. Haruka just nodded and closed his eyes, so he didn't see but felt Makoto joining him in the huge tub. “If you feel uncomfortable, just tell me, I-”

“Makoto.” Haruka opened his eyes and looked at the other, sitting down and trying to find a comfortable position next to him. “It’s really okay.”

Makoto nodded and grabbed a sponge and the shower gel that smelled so good and started washing Haruka's body. There was nothing erotic about his touches - just endless care. It was crazy, yet so good. 

“The last time I took a bath with someone,” Haruka started, having no idea why he decided to talk about this, “was when my customer talked me into going to his house. I hardly went to people's houses - it was too dangerous, but that time I was about to go into a withdrawal and there wasn't really anyone else. So I went with him and he took me right to the bathroom - no bedroom, no living room, just bathroom. He prepared a bath and we went in. Then he wanted me to jerk him off while while washing him. And that was all. No sex. He was a nice guy, to be honest. At least he treated me well.”

While he was talking, Makoto finished washing him. “The others didn't treat you well?” He asked.

“Most of them were rude assholes. I remember nothing but shame and pain.”

Makoto didn't say anything, he just wrapped his arm around Haruka's waist and pulled him closer. Haruka rested his head on Makoto's shoulder and the warmth of the water combined with the older man's presence was enough for him to start drifting off.

“Don't fall asleep here,” he heard Makoto whisper with a soft chuckle.

“Hmm,” was the only reaction he was capable of. He was ready to give in into the darkness. 

Wait…

Isn't sleep just a little death? How do you know that you are going to wake up? What if he fell asleep now and never woke up again?

He almost died a while ago.

_ He almost died. _

_ He could have been dead by now. Dead. _

He opened his eyes with a gasp and his whole body was shaking.

“Shh, I'm here, I'm here. What's wrong?” Makoto's voice sounded worried and he held Haruka in his arms so firmly like he was trying to protect him from everything. And maybe he was.

“I've just realised what happened earlier today,” Haruka whispered. “I know it sounds dumb, but… I haven't actually thought of what could have happened until now. I mean… I didn't realise I could have died. But now… I'm really afraid.”

“It's okay. Everything is going to be okay. I promise. You'll stop doing drugs and everything will be fine.” Haruka couldn't tell whether Makoto was trying to calm down him or himself.

“What if I'm not able to stop?”

“You  _ are.  _ You are strong, Haru. You can do anything.” 

“If you say so…”

“Let's go now. The water is getting cold.” Makoto let go of him and left the tub to find the towels. Haruka stared at him, absolutely mesmerised - not only by his gorgeous body, but also by his actions.  _ How did I deserve to have this person in my life?  _

At first Makoto wrapped a towel around himself and then he picked up Haruka again, dried him up carefully and wrapped him in the other towel. Then he carried him in his arms to the bedroom.

“Would you… Would you mind sleeping in my bed tonight?” Makoto asked really quietly when they entered the bedroom.

“I don't mind,” Haruka mumbled. It was really weird - he shared the bed with many guys, but they always had sex. And now - not only he really doubted Makoto would want sex from him, but also he wasn't capable of moving much at the moment. 

“Thank you. I just… I need to hold you. I know it's silly, but…” Makoto placed Haruka on the bed and looked away. “I thought you were…”

“It's not silly.” 

“I'm being overdramatic and too emotional and-”

“Please.” Haruka reached out to him. “Don't be hard on yourself. You don't deserve it.”

Makoto took in a sharp breath. “I'll go find clothes.”

After a few minutes they were both lying on the bed in their sleeping clothes and staring at each other.

“It's been a long time since I shared a bed with someone.” Makoto smiled sheepishly. “I'm a little nervous. I hope I don't snore loudly or anything.”

“I don't care…” 

“Are you going to shoot up in the morning?” Makoto wasn't looking at Haruka when he asked this question - he was playing with the button on his pillow.

“I thought…” Haruka gulped. “I thought I could quit. Starting tomorrow.”

“But that's awesome!” Makoto's face lit up with happiness.

“It will be very painful. And disgusting. But… I don't care. I want to quit. I want to be clean.”

“In the morning I'll call Sousuke and tell him that I'm skipping work. I'll stay with you.” Makoto grabbed Haruka's hand and squeezed it.

“You shouldn't.” Haruka shook his head. “It will be really disgusting.”

“I'll stay with you,” Makoto repeated. “I'll take care of you. I'll get you everything you need.” 

“O-okay…” Haruka was too overwhelmed by his sudden important decision and Makoto's endless kindness. And then he remembered something. He sat up on the bed - too quickly, so his head started spinning around again and he felt sick. 

“What's wrong?” Makoto asked in a confused voice. 

“I forgot to cook,” Haruka whispered, suddenly feeling guilty. Makoto was doing his best to take care of him while he couldn't do even one thing. “I have to do it now, I-”

Makoto brought him back down on the bed and hugged him tightly. “Forget it,” he said, smiling.

“But-”

“I'll buy something tomorrow. Now sleep.” 

As Haruka was lying on his back, Makoto wrapped his arm around his body and snuggled closer to the other. Haruka turned his head to look at him.

Makoto's face was pale and his usual warm smile was replaced by a wrinkle on his forehead and the closed eyelids that were shaking. The arm wrapped around him was squeezing him a little more tightly than needed.

Makoto needed a hug tonight just as much as Haruka did.

Makoto needed Haruka just as much as Haruka needed Makoto.

They needed each other, 

“Makoto?”

“Yes?” The emerald eyes opened, this time they didn’t look as bright as usually.

“Thank you. For being here for me. There was no one before you who helped me like you did. There was no one… for me. Thank you.”

Makoto stared at him for a while with an unreadable expression, but then he pressed a kiss on Haruka’s forehead and gave him one of his sweetest smiles.

“There is no need to thank me. I’m happy to be here with you… for you. Now good night.” He caressed Haruka’s cheek and then they both closed their eyes, waiting for the dreamworld to capture them for the night.

And in the silence of the night, Haruka felt like he could hear soft, muffled crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should stop being so overdramatic, huh.  
> Anyway, I wrote this when I was super tired and kinda doped on pills, so I hope it's not /too/ shitty.  
> What do you think about this chapter? Please, let me know!  
> Also I'm sorry for not replying the comments on the last chap. I kinda wasn't strong enough for that. Now I'd like to thank you all for your amazing support! I always feel so nervous and I'm sure that my writing is pure shit, but then your comments make me feel way better and I want to continue writing. Thank you all so much!  
> AND I POSTED THE FIRST CHAP OF THE SOURIN PREQUEL! It's right here!!! http://archiveofourown.org/works/7370101/chapters/16739746
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I wrote this chapter when I was really depressed and it took me like two hours, so I don't know what to think about it. I apologise for slow updates (or no updates on my other stories), but the past few days were rough and I'm not even able to write anymore.   
> I hope you'll like this chapter, though!
> 
> As always, big thanks goes to my friend Madyson for betareading this story!

The second Haruka opened his eyes he was ready to get up and follow his daily routine, which meant to dress up and go outside to get his drug, because he felt the withdrawal coming. But then he remembered his decision, his  _ promise  _ and he almost forced himself to stay in bed. He knew that if he got up, he would lose his will to fulfill the promise. 

It was way easier to see his decision as a promise, because if he wanted to stop for himself only, he would give up. That’s how it was for him - no need to take care of himself, he just wanted to forget, to stop feeling like shit. But this time he promised to get rid of his habit and anytime he remembered this, he also remembered Makoto’s expression from yesterday, which was kind of heartbreaking, now that he looked back. Yesterday it wasn’t so intense, he was still pretty numb from the… What was it? Overdosing? Probably.

So this time he pulled the blanket closer - or at least he tried. Something heavy kept the blanket in place and when he heard a quiet hum behind himself and an arm pulled him closer to the warm body, he figured out what it was. 

Due to the state he was in yesterday, he forgot most of the things that happened in the evening, but he was slowly starting to remember now. And even though Makoto was still asleep, Haruka felt a little more secure with the other half hugging him. 

He could do it. He could resist the nervous feeling telling him to get up and find drugs before his body breaks down. 

An hour later he started regretting surviving the overdosing. He was sweating and shaking a little, his body was starting to hurt like nothing he had experienced ever before. He still couldn’t move his legs, but it was hard to say whether it was still because of what happened yesterday or it was a part of the withdrawal. And now even his stomach started to hurt - he got terrible cramps, he had to bite his lower lip to the point it was bleeding so he didn’t scream loudly. It hurt so much he could barely see. With the last little piece of strength that remained in his body, he moved over and placed his trembling hand on Makoto’s shoulder. He wanted to shake the other, but there was no need, because his body was shaking enough already. 

“Makoto…” he got out in a hoarse voice that didn’t sound like his at all. “Please, help me… Please…”

The other slowly opened his eyes, giving the other a confused look. “What time is it?” He asked, still sleepy. 

“I don’t know, please, help me, please…” Haruka kept begging as his cramps were getting worse, his body more sweaty and shaky. Makoto finally seemed to notice the state Haruka was in, because his eyes widened and he sat up, fully awake. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked and sounded really scared, Haruka couldn’t really tell though, because all of his senses started getting blurry, including his hearing, but mostly his sight. Makoto was blurry, sitting next to him, probably looking at him and seeing the absolutely disgusting mess he had become. He also smelled and the smell was so disgusting that even though he could barely think, a part of him felt really embarrassed.

“I can’t stand it,” he said and found it really hard to articulate. “I can’t… Without pills…”

“What pills?” Makoto’s voice sounded really frantic now and Haruka held on his stomach like he could stop the pain that way.

“They say… methadone works…”

“Where do I get that stuff?! Isn’t it on prescription?”

“Then give me painkillers, sleeping pills, anything!” This sentence came out of Haruka’s mouth as a whine, followed by hard coughing. He couldn’t swallow, even though his mouth was filled with saliva, which made the coughing even worse and he felt like he was going to cough his lungs out. He didn’t even know whether Makoto answered him or not. After a while of coughing, he started puking. The liquid that left his body was white and most of it ended up on the bedsheets. He was constantly crying, from the pain and from the hard throwing up. Suddenly he felt soft hands on his face, a tissue, cleaning the puke from his lips and heard a calm voice, telling him that everything is going to be okay and that he is doing well. And Haruka thought that Makoto can’t be a human, because humans are filthy and awful, while Makoto was taking care of him even though he was disgusting and smelled horrible and puked all over his bed. 

“I got the pills for you,” the calm, soft voice said once Haruka stopped throwing up. Makoto helped him sit up and even with taking the pills, because he was shaking too much to hold the glass of water himself. 

“M-more,” Haruka said after swallowing the third pill.

“That’s dangerous,” Makoto objected weakly.

“Please. More.” 

He ended up swallowing five sleeping pills and two painkillers, which could be dangerous for a normal person, but to him it was nothing. It helped him calm down a little and he could at least lay down calmly now. 

He had the feeling that he fell asleep, but at the same time he could see the ceiling and hear what was happening around him. He heard Makoto moving around the house and also a phone buzzing. When the sound stopped, he heard Makoto talking to someone.

“I sent you a text in the morning.” A moment of silence. “You don’t need me, do you? I did most of my work yesterday, and you have other people over there.” A longer moment of silence. “He needs me. I can’t leave him here like that.” This time the silence was shorter. “Unlike someone, I know when people need me. I’m not you, Sousuke.” A sound of something hitting something else really hard. Makoto probably slammed his phone on the table, which sounded weird to Haruka, because Makoto could never be that angry, so he decided that it was just a dream. 

He could barely tell what was dream and what wasn’t. For a while he was in the streets again and his dealer was chasing after him, showing him all kinds of syringes, filled with the clearest heroin in Berlin, saying that Haruka doesn’t look good and he should shoot up. Haruka kept refusing and the dealer kept following him.

“Just one shot, you’ll feel better,” the dealer said with a smirk, handing him the syringe.

“I can’t. I would never see Makoto again,” Haruka answered.

“He is the one being fooled,” the dealer started laughing and slowly disappearing and Haruka yelled at the black space he disappeared into.

“You are wrong! I would never fool him’ I’m really going to stop this time!”

And then he was in Makoto’s room again and felt something cold and wet on his forehead and heard quiet noises like “shhh” and words like “it’s okay, it’s all good”.

And then he was in the Heimat Records building and he saw Kou and Nagisa and Rei and they were waving at him and telling him that if he joins them, everything will be okay and suddenly they disappeared and he saw Yamazaki with an evil smirk.

“You could have taken the drug, you will never see him again anyway.”

“That’s not true!” Haruka yelled. “You are lying!” 

Yamazaki handed him a piece of paper. “This is your contract, you are hired.” Haruka took it and the second he touched it the contract changed into a syringe and there was his dealer in front of him instead of Yamazaki.

“See? I told you.”

“No!”

“Haru, wake up!” 

Haruka opened his eyes and everything he saw was gone, he was staring at the ceiling of Makoto’s bedroom and at Makoto himself, shaking his body furiously. 

“You were screaming,” the older man explained when he noticed that Haruka was awake and touched his forehead. “It was just a dream. It’s okay.”

“I can’t stand it,” Haruka wanted to say, but only a few screechy noises left his mouth, because his throat was completely dry. 

“Here.” Makoto helped him sit up on the bed and brought a glass of water to his lips. Haruka drank it thankfully, the water going through his throat made the pain a little less unbearable. 

“You should eat something,” Makoto said after that and washed Haruka’s face with a rag again. “It’s been two days.”

“Can’t…” Haruka mumbled, still feeling sick - he was sure that if he tried to eat something, he would end up puking all over the place again. Now that he remembered that, he looked at the bedsheet and found out that it was clean. Makoto probably changed it while he was asleep. 

“How are you feeling?”

“I want to die,” Haruka whispered and it was one of the most honest moments in his life. Makoto’s big green eyes that had been studying the other’s face the whole time filled with tears and he hugged Haruka tightly, even though he was so disgusting at the moment.

“Please, just don’t give up. You can get through this. It will be okay soon. I love you. I love you.” Makoto kept repeating those words and his body was shaking as he was crying quietly and after a while Haruka started crying too, hugging him back and saying “I’m sorry” until he lost his voice again.

Then he took more pills, by himself this time and fell asleep again. On the third day he woke up, feeling slightly better. No cramps, his limbs stopped moving uncontrolablly, he just kept sweating and the sweat smelled just as horrible as the previous days. The bedroom was dark and he was alone, but he started getting a little hungry, so he decided to get up and make himself something to eat. He sat up on the bed and tried to stand up, but his legs didn’t listen to him, so he ended up falling on the ground. But such a thing couldn’t stop him, he started crawling in the direction where he expected the door. 

He got to the door without problems, but then he realised that in his position it was absolutely impossible to open it. He tried to crawl up to it, but all he did was make a few uncomfortable scratching sounds. After a while the door opened itself and the light was turned on.

Haruka looked up and saw a sleepy Makoto standing in front of him.

“Haru? What’s wrong? Are you sick?” He kneeled down and offered his hand to the other.

“I can’t walk…”

Makoto didn’t ask any more questions before lifting him up and carrying him back to bed. “Where did you want to go?”

“I was hungry.” Haruka placed his head on Makoto’s shoulder thankfully, feeling too weak to keep it up.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I would bring you something.” Makoto placed him back on the bed, sitting down next to him.

“I didn’t know where you were. It’s night, right? I thought you were asleep.”

“You could have called.”

“I wanted to try walking… I want to walk again.” Haruka felt tears in his eyes again and he hated himself for being so weak, but he couldn’t help it, the thought of not being able to walk scared him to death. 

“You will walk again soon. I’m sure about that. Now rest.” Makoto kissed Haruka’s sweaty forehead softly, still not mentioning the smell or anything. 

“Where do you sleep?” Haruka asked, suddenly realising that he was keeping Makoto’s bed the entire time.

“On the sofa. I work there during the day and sleep there during the night.” The corners of Makoto’s lips lifted in a weak smile. He looked tired.

“I could sleep on the sofa… Or the futon…”

“No. You need to rest properly and the bed is the best option.”

“It’s yours, though.”

“When I took you in, I expected most of my things to become yours. I didn’t expect my heart to be one of them, though.” Makoto stood up, not looking into Haruka’s eyes anymore. “I’ll go get you food.”

With those words he left the room and Haruka, who felt his heart beat faster and cheeks get hotter despite the state he was in.

He felt one warm tear falling down his cheek. Maybe there  _ was  _ something worth living for.

 

***

 

“Yesterday you mentioned that you are working in the living room,” Haruka said, watching Makoto changing his bedsheets with a frown (which was caused by Makoto forbidding him to help). 

“Yes. I took four days off, but I’m working from home.”

On the fourth day Haruka was finally able to speak, sleep normally and move a bit. With Makoto’s help he was walking around the house and now he was lying on his futon, waiting for Makoto to change the sheets. He was still a little sweaty, but after sleeping through the entire third day, he felt much better. He was still on pills, though. 

“Is Yamazaki really okay with that?”

“He isn’t really happy about it, but he has no right to force me go to work.” Makoto looked at the other with his typical smile. “We are working on your new album and preparations for your concert.”

“Concert?” The thought of performing in front of people made Haruka’s stomach feel really weird. “Like… When?”

“The next week. If you will feel good. If not, we’ll change the date. But don’t worry, it will be just a small concert, a few days after releasing your album and your music video.”

“We haven’t done the music video yet,” Haruka blinked, a little confused.

“Well… Sousuke wants me to bring you tomorrow.” Makoto finished changing the sheets and sat down on the bed with a heavy sigh. “How are you feeling?”

“Better, I guess.” It was true, Haruka really did feel better. He wasn’t sure about his ability to work tomorrow, though.

“I tried to tell him that we should wait, but he didn’t listen to me.” Makoto’s voice was almost apologetic. “I even tried to use his weakness, which is something I really hate to do, but he was just rude to me and hung up on me.”

“It’s okay.” Haruka shook his head. “I’ll do it. Just get me a pair of crutches or something.”

“Are you sure?”

Haruka took a deep breath, quickly going through his options, situation, wills and feelings. He stopped doing drugs so he could live a better life, which involved singing. If he wanted to get money from something he enjoyed, he had to perform and make albums and videos. And he really wanted to sing. 

“Yes. I am sure.”

 

***

 

Haruka with crutches, followed by constantly fussing Makoto carrying the red guitar were a big attraction for the whole Heimat Records building. As they were walking through the entrance hall and the hallways to reach Yamazaki’s office, they got many curious stares from the employees. Haruka didn’t care, though. He was completely focused on his task. He was afraid to let himself think of anything else. He took a long bath, so he finally smelled good, didn’t take any pills, yet still didn’t feel that bad and with the crutches he was able to walk. He was clean. He could start a new life.

But he couldn’t let his mind wander. He was afraid of his own brain. What if he felt down? What if he thought of… stuff he shouldn’t think about?

He had nothing to do with drugs anymore.

But he had to do his best to make it stay this way.

When they were leaving the elevator, one of his crutches got stuck in the grove between the elevator and the floor and he almost fell down on the ground. But before that could happen, a pair of strong arms caught him.

“Haru! Be careful,” Makoto said with a little frown. “I knew this wasn’t the best idea…” 

Although the little wrinkle on his forehead was cute, Haruka didn’t like seeing him so worried all the time. That’s why he leaned closer to the older man, standing next to him and looking like he was considering carrying him back home, and pressed a quick peck on Makoto’s cheek, which caused the other to blush furiously. 

“Don’t worry,” he said simply and started walking, while leaning onto his crutches, towards Yamazaki’s office again. 

“W-wait!” Makoto had to walk a little faster to catch up with him. He still looked a little surprised or confused, but he was smiling. Haruka looked at him and smiled back. It was a faint, almost-not-there smile, but it was clearly a smile.

Finally, they were standing in front of the door that lead to Yamazaki’s office.

“Are you ready?” Makoto asked.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, but let’s do it now.”

Makoto knocked on the door and after getting permission, he opened it. 

“Hey,” he said and his voice sounded a little cold. Did they really have a fight over Makoto’s days off?

“Hey,” Yamazaki answered in a similar tone. Haruka started feeling uncomfortable immediately.

“Hello,” he mumbled politely once he entered the office. 

“What the hell happened to you?” Yamazaki raised an eyebrow. He definitely wasn’t in the best mood. And Haruka found it hard to speak up, because he felt like the other was about to scold him. He started feeling nervous and anxious. 

He would give anything to get a shot right now.

No, no, no, no, absolutely  _ no.  _ This kind of thoughts is forbidden. Drugs are a no.

“That doesn’t matter. Is everything ready?” 

Haruka was really thankful to Makoto for speaking up instead of him. For everything he had done for him… He hadn’t thanked him properly yet.

But the atmosphere in the room was still cold. 

“Sure. I’m staying here, though.” Yamazaki leaned against his chair and crossed his legs under the table.

Makoto frowned. “Why?”

“That doesn’t matter. The car is coming soon, you can wait outside.” 

“I thought we were going to make the video indoors.” Makoto placed both his hands on Yamazaki’s table and leaned forward. “What does this mean?”

“I changed my mind.” Sousuke started reading a piece of paper, completely ignoring them both.

“I see,” said Makoto all of sudden, the angry expression disappeared from his face. “I know I went too far, Sousuke. I’m sorry. But don’t involve Haru, please.”

Haruka was absolutely confused now. What were they talking about? 

Yamazaki finally lifted his eyes up and looked at Makoto. Then he pointed with the piece of paper he was holding at Haruka.

“You wait outside.”

The blue eyes found Makoto automatically and when they found a nod and a calming smile, Haruka nodded and left the office. He headed right to the end of the hall where he had seen a table, a few chairs and an automat with coffee. He sat down, cursing a lot, because it wasn’t the easiest thing with the crutches. Finally, he managed to do so and leaned the crutches against the table. 

He still felt uncomfortable. He had no idea what was Yamazaki’s problems nor what had Makoto done. He was biting his lower lip and after a while he started biting even his nails.

It had been a while since he wasn’t high and this feeling was a little weird. He wasn’t calm. He was nervous and confused and full of emotions and had no idea how to express all of this and keeping it inside hurt too much. That’s why he was doing drugs. To forget. To stop feeling.

But now…

One of the crutches fell down on the ground, followed by the other one. 

“Shit,” Haruka hissed and reached for them, but they were too far away. Great, just great. Just when he thought that everything was going to be okay…

Suddenly he saw a hand picking up the crutches and placing them back where they were before, leaning against the table.

“Thank you,” Haruka looked up and blinked when he saw a person he didn’t expect at all.

“No problem,” said Kou and gave him a little tired smile. “Do you need anything else?”

“Yes, actually. Do you have a ciggarete?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think about this? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Please, leave me some comments, so I know that you are still interested! 
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you.tumblr.com) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone!
> 
> I'm back with a new chapter - this time unbeta-ed, because my beta is busy and I've been waiting for over a week. I decided to post it, because I need some feedback to continue writing, since I've been drowning in self doubt (again). I apologise for any mistakes and weird lines you will probably find and I'll probably post the beta-ed version soon.   
> I've been also very sick lately, but I'm doing my best and working on this story. I want to finish it as soon as possible for reasons I'll share with you very soon. So, this story is my main focus now. But I'm not forgetting any of my other fics and I promise to work on them once I have more time/inspiration/motivation/whatever.  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chap!

The sky was grey and it seemed like it was about to rain. Together with the buildings, the sky created a huge, grey, monotone mass that was calming, yet a little distressing. 

Haruka didn’t mind. He actually somehow enjoyed the calm, rainy scenery of his beloved city. 

He and Kou were sitting together on the concrete ground of some kind of a terrace, which was between the first and the second, hidden building of the Heimat Records. Kou handed the black haired boy a cigarette and when he placed it between his lips, she lit it up with her almost empty lightner. 

“Do you mind if I butt fuck your cig?” The red head asked and shook the lighter as an explanation. Haruka shook his head and watched the girl lighting her cigarette up, using the end of the one in his mouth. 

They both were quietly breathing in the smoke for a while, staring and nothing and listening to the noises of cars and many people in the streets, the noises of a capital city. 

Haruka was smoking his cigarette faster, he was seeking comfort in the bunch of chemicals and it really worked somehow. His amount of stress started lowering and his chest felt a little less heavy.

In a minute he asked Kou for another cigarette.

“What happened to you?” She asked after offering him a lighter and nodded towards his crutches lying on the ground in front of him.

“That’s a long story.”

“I didn’t know you smoked this much.”

“I’ve just started.”

“Seriously. What happened?”

Haruka absorbed more of the cigarette smoke and gave his feet a long stare before speaking again.

“I’m clean.”

“Well, that’s amazing!” said Kou and Haruka thought that the surprise and slight happiness in her voice were honest.

“Yes,” he nodded and threw another cigarette butt on the ground, asking for another cig with an apologetic look. “I’ll pay you once I get money.”

“No need.” She handed him the whole pack, still smoking the first cigarette. “Keep them.”

“Thank you.”

“Why isn’t Makoto with you?” Kou asked after another moment of silence. 

“He is with Yamazaki. They needed to discuss something important.” Again, he sounded more bitter than planned. 

“Oh, yeah. Makoto really crossed the line this time, huh?” She puffed out cigarette smoke and smiled in a really tired way and it wasn’t a happy smile at all.

“What line?” Haruka turned to her, confused.

“He talked about him. My brother.” Kou’s lips were pressed against each other, creating a thin line. “That’s never a good idea. Sousuke needs to get over it.” She then looked in front of herself and her expression made Haruka question her presence. “We all do,” she added in a really quiet voice.

“Is he mad at Makoto?” Haruka didn’t dare to look at her - she suddenly seemed really sad, exhausted, old. 

“Maybe. I don’t know. But the past few days he had been really upset. He usually needs a drink. And company. Then everything is okay.” She took a few seconds to breath in another portion of the cigarette smoke.

“Company of who?”

“His coworkers, mostly. Usually it’s me.”

“And…” Haruka gulped. “What about-”

“What about Makoto?” She smiled when he blinked and his cheeks flushed light pink. His body reactions were confusing - and annoying. “No worries. They are too much of  _ friends  _ to sleep together. Sousuke actually sleeps only with me in the whole company. I resemble my brother.”

“You… You don’t mind?” A few dark and disgusting memories of the men who were willing to give him money in exchange for sex flashed through his mind and he shivered.

“He is always drunk when he does that and apologises afterwards. I don’t mind, though. I have nothing else. Only this company and people in it. I’m satisfied this way.” She shrugged. “Some things also help me forget.”

“I guess… We all have our ways of dealing with things. Our little addictions.”  _ We all are fucked up.  _ Haruka breathed out the oxygen mixed with the chemicals his cigarette contained. “You said you only have this company? Nothing else?”

“Yeah. I came here when Sousuke was a beginner and Heimat Records wasn’t a famous music company. Together with Makoto, Nagisa, Rei and… Rin we kind of built this company. But on the way I screwed up my life. Left school and never came back. Wasted my chances. This is all I’ve got.” She gave him a long gaze and stared until he looked back at her. “I think you belong to us now, am I right?”

Haruka looked down and shifted, like he could physically avoid the question-not-really-a-question.

“Yamazaki has a problem with me, doesn’t he?”

“Well… I think you remind him of Rin. But…” She sighed. “You are not him.”

“That’s why he hates me?”

“I wouldn’t use the term  _ hate _ . He is just upset. Doesn’t know how to face his emotions and feels guilty. It will be okay, though, just give him time.”

Haruka didn’t mind giving him time. If he just could stop being so terribly jealous. 

“Oh, here you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere, Haru.” 

Haruka and Kou both turned their heads toward the place the voice was coming from. It was Makoto - of course it was him, Haruka would recognise his, now slightly worried, voice everywhere - standing with one feet still inside, but the other one on the terasse. “Hey, Kou,” he smiled his usual smile and even the grey sky suddenly looked a little brighter. 

“Hey, Makoto. I guess I gotta go now.” The red haired girl said a quick goodbye to Haruka, stood up and quickly headed back inside, probably to Yamazaki’s office. Meanwhile, Makoto walked over to Haruka and sat down next to him. 

“Everything okay?” The black haired male kept staring at the concrete floor, not lifting his sight up even once.

“Yeah. This time I really said some terrible things, but it was in an order to make him understand something… I apologised, though. He did, too. He also told me to apologise to you - he was unnecessarily rude.” Makoto was talking quickly, but there was no trail of nervousness nor stress. 

“It’s okay.” Haruka shrugged - he didn’t care and also, he understood now. 

“What about you? Everything okay?” Makoto returned the question, looking at the cigarette butts around the other. There was five of them by now and another cigarette in Haruka’s hand.

“I’m fine.”

“So… We can go? Are you ready? I mean, if you don’t feel like it, we can-”

“I’m fine,” Haruka repeated in a softer tone this time, once again completely overwhelmed by Makoto’s care. “Don’t worry about me. We can go.”

The shining happy smile was absolutely worth all Haruka’s little lies.

 

***

 

Good news was that they didn’t have to use a tram nor a subway to get there. Travelling by car was nice. The last time Haruka experienced a car ride was on the way on the family holiday with his parents-

_ No. _

He  _ can’t  _ think of such things.

Despite the warm air in the car, he shivered and wrapped his arms around his own body. He managed not to think about his family for months. It was all thanks to the drug that made him numb, made him forget. But now it was gone and the disturbing reality was knocking on his mind again. He would do anything to get a shot right now, just to erase those memories from his mind, how his father could drive, because he wasn’t drunk once and his mother finally smiled at him and everything seemed good, his parents stopped arguing for a while and he could watch the scenery around him, and then his parents would get a fight over a mistaken direction-

No, no, no. Why would he remember that now? He took in a sharp, panicked breath and everything suddenly seemed blurry.

And then he felt a soft, calming touch on his shoulder. 

“Are you okay?” Makoto’s warm voice made the blur go away and Haruka turned his head to the other, to the man who decided to sit in the back seat with him, so he could help him if anything happened. 

“Yes. Thank you.” Haruka’s voice was weak, but he managed to sound calm.

“If you aren’t feeling well, we can stop. I can tell the driver to stop.” Makoto’s hand on his shoulder remained and the green eyes kept studying him, as always, with worry and care.

_ I wish I could see this face every day till the end of my life,  _ Haruka thought while staring into the emerald depths. 

“I’m fine.” He forced himself to look away, afraid of getting lost in his own thoughts as well as in Makoto’s eyes.

Suddenly, the car stopped and the man sitting in the driver’s seat turned over to them.

“We are here. I’ll pick you up again once you are done. Have a good day.” His smile was professional, yet nice, so Harka tried to smile back.

“Thank you,” Makoto did the same and opened the door. When he got out of the car, he used one hand to pick up the guitar and the other one he offered to Haruka, who struggled with leaving the car a little, due to his walking issues and crutches. With Makoto’s help, he was soon standing outside next to the car as well. 

Finally he could find out where the hell they are. It was one of the ugliest parts of Berlin - ruins, graffiti, trash and syringes on the ground. And a few things that didn’t quite belong to this place - three cameras and a few people in uniforms with the Heimat Records logo. 

“Sousuke told me about his plan when you weren’t there, I’m sorry.” Makoto really looked guilty - for something that wasn’t even his fault.¨

“It’s okay,” Haruka assured him when they started walking towards the people standing next to some abandoned building. 

“He wants you to do the video in the streets with a few parts in the studio. It’s supposed to be full of homeless, desperate and drug atmosphere-”

“Basically, my life in a video.”

“I’m so sorry, Haru, I mean, I tried to tell him-”

“Makoto.”

The older man looked at him with an unsure, guilty look in his beautiful eyes. “What?”

“It’s alright. The song is about my life, so it’s okay if the video is, too.”Haruka thought of placing his hand on Makoto’s shoulder, just like the other did many times before to comfort him, but changed his mind in the end. 

“Okay then.” Some confidence returned to the green eyed man’s expression and he looked excited and determined again. “Let’s do our best!”

The following two hours were exhausting and a little dreamy for Haruka. He could barely believe that something like that is happening, that it’s happening to  _ him.  _ Soon after he and Makoto arrived, Nagisa appeared as well and started putting makeup on him, changing his clothes - behind the van that belonged to the staff - and even threw away his crutches. Makoto wasn’t happy about it, Haruka was, because he hated the two annoying wooden sticks. 

Then he had to walk around, do weird poses, painful expressions, then he was supposed to keep his normal expressions, because the painful ones looked unbelievably false, and sing - at first, they told him to lip sync his song, but that seemed embarrassing to him and he decided to really sing instead. Then he had to sit down on the sidewalk with his guitar and play a part of his song.

The entire time, the cameras was facing him and he knew that everything he did was captured by them. It was… a little uncomfortable. Finally, after many poses, walking, singing and playing, the director - or at least that’s what Haruka thought this bossy woman was - allowed everyone to get a pause. 

Haruka walked a few metres from everyone else and sat down on a small, half ruined wall. Those people were really nice, but he couldn’t bare being around them for a long time. He got socially exhausted really quickly. 

After a while, Makoto joined him, bringing their lunch boxes. Surprisingly, Haruka didn’t mind his presence at all. Or maybe it wasn’t so surprising anymore. Haruka was now aware of the fact that Makoto was different. 

“You are amazing, Haru,” Makoto said once he sat down next to him. “It all looks awesome so far. I can’t wait to see the results!”

“It feels weird.” Haruka shrugged and took his lunch box from Makoto. “It’s just that… I’m just me. And I am here. And this all feels so… Strange.” 

“It’s okay. I understand it. But I’m pretty sure you’ll get used to it very soon.” Makoto gave him one of his brightest śmiles. “This is your life. And everything is going to be alright.”

They ate their lunch in silence, but it was a comfortable silence. Haruka had been thinking the entire time - about how unbelievable this all was, how he would never imagine anything like this and about Makoto, sitting really close to him. 

When they finished eating, they continued in their silence, slightly touching with their thighs and shoulders. 

“How are you feeling?” Makoto asked after a while, turning his head to face the other. Haruka looked back at him, getting lost in the emerald eyes once again, but he loved the feeling.

_ Loved. _

Right now he felt a little embarrassed and very confused.

“Good,” he said.

“I’m really glad to hear that.” Makoto had small wrinkles around his eyes when he smiled and it made him looked  _ even cuter. _ “Your eyes are so beautiful,” he whispered breathlessly,  absolutely amazed he kept staring into the other’s ocean blue eyes. “They always looked a little strange when you were high, but now… They are mesmerizing.” He leaned closer and-

“The end of the pause!”

Haruka bit back a frustrated groan. 

 

***

 

After finishing their work in the streets, continuing in the studios, repeating the song and poses many times, and smoking the whole pack of cigarettes, Haruka’s work was finally over. Now he was sitting with Makoto on the sofa, with a new pack of cigarettes in his pocket, because he insisted on stopping in the shop on their way back, watching-not-really-watching-TV. He was exhausted, nearly falling asleep, but the atmosphere in the room was calm and warm and nice. Watching TV became some sort of a “ritual” for them - they hardly cared about the programme, the important thing was that they could sit there together. To Haruka, at least.

Since the… one sexual moment they had, nothing of that sort had happened between them. And since Makoto’s confession… Well, he repeated those words when Haruka was half dreaming in his withdrawal, but…

Haruka never said it back, did he?

All he told Makoto was that his song is about him, which could have been taken as some kind of a confession, but it wasn’t really right. It wasn’t what Haruka seriously wanted to say. His feelings were deepening every day, he couldn’t help but watch his crush on Makoto growing into something more serious.

He had never experienced anything like that. 

His thoughts were starting to consume him once again and he was ready for a night full of annoying self-arguments but then he felt a light touch on his hand. He looked down and watched how Makoto’s fingers intertwined with his. 

Maybe the other noticed his uneasiness, or maybe he just did it for no reason, but Haruka was sure about one thing - it made all of his doubts and confused thoughts back off and the calm atmosphere of this nice evening took over his mind again. Soon enough Makoto let go of his hand and wrapped his arm around Haruka’s waist. The black haired guy finally dared to look up at the other’s face, but Makoto was still facing the TV, like nothing else was happening, and he had a small, dreamy smile on his lips. Haruka quickly turned his head back to the previous position. 

After a few minutes his eyelids started feeling really heavy and his head was lowering, until it ended up on Makoto’s shoulder. The other automatically pulled Haruka closer to his soothing warmth and loving embrace, which was probably the most comfortable place in the world. 

Before he fell asleep completely, he felt Makoto’s lips gently kissing his temple. 

“If you are sleepy,” he heard a quiet voice that filled him with many comfortable feelings near his ear, “I’ll take you to bed.”

“You should use the bed today,” Haruka mumbled, snuggling closer to the soft warmth at his side without thinking. 

“You are still sick,” Makoto objected.

“You’ve been sleeping on the sofa, even though it’s your flat and you need a lot of rest.” Haruka wasn’t going to let him win this time - he even lifted his head up, opened his eyes and gave Makoto the most determined look he was able to manage at the moment. His answer was a long, surprised stare, followed by a soft chuckle.

“I can’t resist when you are so cute,” Makoto whispered and gave Haruka a full, tight hug. “We could share the bed tonight. If you don’t mind.”

Haruka buried his face in the fabric of Makoto’s T-shirt. It smelled so good, he could stay this way forever. Of course he didn’t mind. “Alright,” he murmured and leaned against the other’s broad chest.

“You worked really hard today, Haru.” The words resonated in the raven haired boy’s ear, Makoto’s voice sounded a little deeper, coming right from his chest. “I’m so proud of you. For everything you’ve done in the past few days. You are going to live a better, happy life soon. See? You are strong. And talented.” Makoto caressed Haruka’s back, the tone of his voice was really soft and full of emotions that were probably being held back. “Everything is going to be great. Just wait.”

Even though those words were said in this soothing voice Haruka loved, it felt like a cold hand grabbed his guts - because “just wait” was the mantra of his childhood. 

And he was really tired of waiting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never had a character smoking in a story before, because I hate it, but I think it's understandable here. I hope you liked this chapter. Please, let me know what you think about it!  
> And thank you guys for your awesome support. I'm sorry, I didn't really have time to reply to each comment on the last chapter. I'll be better this time!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaay, it's here! A new chapter that is very important for the plot! It's longer than usually and full of (hopefully) interesting things.   
> I got a new beta who needs everything to be perfect, so I hope you really enjoy this chap. I'm still thinking of the right time to tell you about all of my surprises. Stay tuned, something big is coming! (I didn't make any inappropriate jokes, but had to do my best not to do so.)   
> So big thanks goes to Terinka (headoverheelswithsharkgrin.tumblr.com) for the beta!

Haruka woke up into an unusual warmth on his chest, quiet, calm breaths that weren’t his and the weight of an arm wrapped around his waist.

He decided not to open his eyes at first - instead he imagined Makoto’s sleeping face with a small dreamy smile on his lips. Then he imagined a different place - maybe a big family house in the suburbs of Berlin, painted soothing and optimistic colours. In that world he and Makoto were a happy couple that met at a nice place, such as a park or a beach or a… house for rescued dogs. They were now experiencing the first weeks of living together. There were no drugs in that world. No music companies. No pain, no sorrows. Haruka let his imagination run wild and paint a new, happy world. He used to do that a lot before he ran away from home. He would always lie in bed and create new lives for himself and sometimes even for his parents, where they were happier, never argued and loved him -

His eyes snapped open and it brought him back to the cold reality of another rainy day. The room looked grey in the morning light and there was no smile on Makoto’s face - there was a frown, a little wrinkle on his forehead. Probably a bad dream. 

Haruka was unsettled by the fact that he started thinking about his past again. About the things he almost forgot in the past few days, like they belonged to someone else, like they were just from an old movie he barely remembered. Now they were all back, because there was no drug to keep them away.

Being sober was way harder than Haruka had originally thought. 

A sharp, annoying sound of an incoming call interrupted his thoughts and he couldn’t be happier about it. 

Makoto made a strange deep sound that sounded a little bit like a growl and turned around, showing Haruka his back, to grab his phone that was lying on the night stand. With the ringing phone in his hand, he lay on his back and answered the call.

“This better be important,” he said in a sleepy, husky voice and rubbed his eyes that were still half closed. His hair was messy and Haruka caught himself staring at the other boy, thinking how adorable this sight was. 

Makoto was frowning a little, probably listening to the other person talking. Suddenly, his eyes opened more and his face didn’t look so sleepy anymore. It was like he came back to life within a second. 

“Now? Okay.” He turned back to the night stand, put down his phone and picked a TV remote instead. He held it in the air and when Haruka looked the way it was pointing, on the wall he saw a TV he hadn’t noticed before. It was half hidden inside the wall and he never saw the room in the daylight, so he couldn’t have  registered the TV really. 

Makoto turned it on and looked at Haruka with excitement written all over his face.

“That was Sousuke. He told me to watch the music programme on TV and I’m pretty sure I know what we’ll see.”

Haruka wanted to respond, but a female voice coming from the TV interrupted him before he could even start.

“ -and another new music video, this time a native one!” The woman on TV had rainbow hair, which Haruka found really fascinating, and wore casual clothes - plain jeans and a red T-shirt. Her voice sounded really excited, though. “I’m pretty sure you’ve already heard this song in the radio. I turn the volume up anytime it comes on.” The woman giggled and then tried to put on a serious face again. “Finally, we got a long awaited music video, and our TV station has the privilege to show it to you a few hours after it was uploaded on YouTube! Silhouettes music video, for the first time on TV!”

The woman was replaced by the beginning of the video that showed a not very good looking part of Berlin and a few syringes on the ground. Haruka’s jaw dropped as he heard the first few tones of the song -  _ his  _ song.

“The guys from the video team must have been working the entire night,” Makoto whispered and his voice was full of admiration. 

The sight of buildings and trash on the ground was soon replaced by Haruka himself, sitting on the pavement and playing the guitar. It was so weird to watch himself on TV, looking so calm, doing something more than usual for him. In the beginning he was staring at his guitar and a second before he started singing, he looked up. Not in the camera, though - he still remained distanced. Then he opened his mouth and started singing the first few lines of his - now famous - song. The colours displayed in the video were only grey, black and white. They, together with the song, created a quite distressing atmosphere.

When on-TV-Haruka got to the second verse, the video showed him walking around the empty streets and ruined buildings, this time without the guitar. He was just singing, looking around and walking slowly, in the rhythm of the song.

The second repetition of the chorus came on when the video portrayed him sitting on the small wall where he had lunch with Makoto that day, leaning against a picket and singing with an expression that showed the same emotions as portrayed by the song - pain and despair. Haruka felt exposed and a little uncomfortable, watching himself showing his feelings to the world.

The on-TV-Haruka sang the next verse while sitting on a chair in the middle of nothing - there was only darkness around him, nothing else. He was playing the guitar and singing probably the most emotional part. While he was singing the line “There’s nothing in this world that you can’t be if you want it enough”, he was looking straight into the camera - at the audience - for the very first time. 

During the last chorus that was repeated in screaming at the end, the video showed Haruka in various situations - in the streets, sitting on the pavement, on the chair, singing, playing, singing. At the very end of the video he was lying on the ground, unconscious. 

The label that had appeared on the screen before the video ended had said “Silhouettes” and there was Haruka’s name under it. It felt really strange. Surreal.

The music video was replaced by another, pop-dance song and Haruka took a deep breath, realising he had been taking only shallow, quick ones till now. 

“Haru, this is amazing!” Makoto looked at him, smiling like a little kid unwrapping birthday presents. “I didn’t know the video would be this beautiful. You’ll be a star soon!” Makoto turned the TV off because the next song was annoying, and lay down on the bed again, his smile even wider. Then he turned his head towards Haruka, who was still sitting on the bed, kind of frozen as he was watching the other boy. “How do you feel about it?”

“It feels weird,” Haruka said quietly, absolutely honest. “Watching and hearing myself like this.”

“Does it make you feel uncomfortable?” The happiness in Makoto’s voice started disappearing.

“Kind of.” Haruka looked at his hands, but already regretted saying it. He knew that he probably made Makoto upset.

“I’m-” Makoto sat up, the smile disappeared from his face completely. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realise… I’ll just make a call and we can take the video down.”

“I’m not asking you to destroy all the hard work only because seeing my own face and hearing my own voice on TV makes me uncomfortable.” Finally Haruka  looked at Makoto with an unreadable expression. “I… I feel like I achieved something. I’ve succeeded. But it will take time before I get used to… this.”

Makoto blinked and within a second he was smiling again, this time not victoriously, but in a really soft way. “I’m sure you’ll get used to it soon, Haru.”

The black haired boy didn’t really share his opinion, though. He couldn’t imagine himself getting used to being seen by a lot of people. To being  _ famous. _

“Let’s look how people react to your video on YouTube!” The excitement found its way back to Makoto’s voice as he got up and headed out of the bedroom. Seeing Makoto walking towards the door in only a T-shirt and boxers made Haruka wonder how someone like him ended up living with such a handsome and amazing person. 

Makoto soon came back with a laptop and sat down on the bed again. Haruka watched him staring at the screen and typing on the keyboard. Something about this whole situation seemed strange. When everything was so calm and the bedroom felt cozy, it was so unusual and somehow suspicious. Haruka was getting nervous. Uncomfortable. Frustrated. Irritated. A mix of all those.

He needed a shot.

He shifted on the bed nervously, biting his lip. Should he tell Makoto about how he felt? Oh, hell no. He was about to open his mouth and ask a simple question ( _ Can I go out and smoke a cig? _ ) when Makoto’s jaw dropped and he almost yelled:

“Oh my god, Haru, your song got over 50 thousand views in a few hours!”

Haruka forgot the uncomfortable feelings, drugs and cigarettes and wanted to see it for himself, because - oh god - such a big number, how was that even possible? But Makoto held the laptop in a really weird way, so he couldn’t see the screen. 

“I’ll read a few comments to you.”

“People left comments?” Haruka blinked. He remembered reading YouTube comments back at home, hell, he even commented on videos himself, but he couldn’t imagine anyone stopping and wasting their time to comment on something he (and other people, of course) had made.

Well, there could still be comments like  _ “crap”, “shit”,  _ or  _ “kill yourself” _ , but…

Makoto chuckled softly. “Of course they did. Here is the most liked one.” He cleared his throat.  _ “Damn, this song brings back memories. Like many people, I went through a hard time during puberty, mostly because of my family that didn’t accept me. This feels like someone put my feelings into a song. It’s 3 am and I’m sitting here, crying. Thank you so much for this amazing song!” _

“Wow, that’s… That’s nice.” Haruka didn’t expect his song to feel so personal to someone and he definitely didn’t expect it to make anyone cry, but it made him somewhat… happy?

“And another one:  _ Wow, this sounds like the old, real music! Not like the shit people listen to nowadays!  _ And right under this one there is:  _ I’ve heard this song on the radio and absolutely loved it! Not only that this guy has an amazing voice, he is also super handsome! Marry me, Haruka!  _ And many heart-eyed emojis…”

Haruka kept watching Makoto’s face, but the expression of an excited puppy didn’t change. The black haired boy slapped himself mentally - he should be happy about the comments, not watching Makoto’s reactions to comments of random girls.

“How many dislikes?” Haruka asked in a deadpan voice.  _ Maybe you could be nicer,  _ said a voice in his head.  _ Look what he is doing for you. _

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

“Uhm… Well…” Makoto scratched the back of his head and avoided the eye contact. “Only a few. But you don’t have to worry about it,” he added quickly. “Dislikes don’t mean anything, forget about them.”

“How did so many people find that video?” Haruka changed the topic, but already started planning to see the dislikes and check the comments himself.

“The staff posted it on the official Heimat Records channel. It has a lot of subscribers,” Makoto explained, obviously glad that Haruka dropped the dislikes topic. 

“I see…” was the black haired boy’s answer.

Before Makoto read more (always positive) comments to him about people enjoying his music, crying, finding themselves in the song, and similar to these, Haruka had to sit down in the kitchen, open the window and light up the cigarette. Smoking - together with the quite chilly and pleasurable wind he felt on his skin - helped him to calm down a little, absorb the feelings that were trying to consume him and become a little distant again.

 

***

 

The following week was busy not only for Haruka, but for all the Heimat Records staff. The first day was full of congratulations on getting more and more views every hour on the new music video, even Yamazaki looked pleased and kept patting Haruka’s shoulder, which wasn’t very comfortable for the raven haired man, but he didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere by complaining. That day he also got a new phone, not a cheap one, but nothing outstanding either, to which he said that he wouldn’t use it that much anyway. The new phone was empty except for the basic apps and numbers of people he worked with - Makoto, Yamazaki and even Kou, Nagisa and Rei. All of them came to congratulate him as well and Nagisa was obsessed with the idea of explaining how the phone works, but Haruka assured him that he had a few phones in the past, therefore it shouldn’t be a problem for him. The other thing he got from the director himself was a password to his new bank account that had some money on it already. For Haruka, that was the best thing of all day and it definitely made him feel better.

The main priority of Heimat Records now was releasing Haruka’s album. The second main priority was the date of the concert. The performance was planned for the end of this week, while the album was about to come out every minute. It was basically finished, the only thing they needed to do was to give it a title. 

Haruka didn’t have to think about it that much - he already knew, no, he  _ felt  _ that there was a perfect title for the album.  _ Changes.  _ Not only did it describe his life during the past few months perfectly, but also it was a title of one of his favourite David Bowie’s songs. Nothing could fit more. Both Makoto and Yamazaki approved of this idea, which meant the title was definitely decided. 

The rest of the week was full of concert preparations - thanks to the huge number of advertisements for  _ Silhouettes  _ and the whole album, the tickets were sold out rather quickly. Even though it was a small concert, for around five hundred people, everything needed to be  _ perfect.  _ The lights, the sound, Haruka’s performance, nothing couldn’t go wrong, otherwise he would have more problems succeeding in the musical business. 

Haruka didn’t care about  _ fame  _ and  _ success  _ that much, but this all meant a lot for people around him. And it was about money.

The months of having very little to nothing taught Haruka to live quite frugally. He wasn’t after money, but he needed to live somehow and couldn’t expect to use Makoto’s money forever. It was the right time to start living on his own. As Yamazaki said before, Makoto couldn’t bother by taking care of a dirty junkie for a long time. And if Haruka could earn money this way, it meant no disgusting customers - and that was the best possible argument. 

The day of the concert was supposed to be snowy, but it was raining again in the end. The whole thing took place in a small concert hall that belonged to the Heimat Records and was only a few tram stations away from the main building. It looked like a normal, quite a large building on the outside, and on the inside it resembled some kind of a big club. There was a bar and a few tables in one corner, a big empty space with a dark floor, and opposite the bar there was a stage. Now it was full of people in the uniforms with the Heimat Records logo, preparing the stage for the concert. 

Haruka was sitting in the backstage, feeling nervousness building up in his stomach. He smoked the whole package of cigarettes in less than an hour and asked one of the Heimat Records employees to go buy him another one. He was wearing his “concert clothes” - the outfit he had picked with Nagisa for the album photoshoot. Now he was just sitting on the pretty comfortable, black leather sofa in the changing room that was his tonight, and tuning his guitar all over again. He even tried a few voice exercises, even though they sounded embarrassing to him, but Makoto had told him about one of the singers he worked with who once broke his voice during his first concert because he hadn’t paid any attention to the exercises. 

Suddenly, when everything was ready and there was no way back, it didn’t seem like such a great idea. Haruka got sick only at the thought of performing in front of over five hundred people. They were going to watch him, see every mistake he would make, probably expect something good and get something awful and  _ where is that guy with the cigarettes?! _

A light knock on the door broke his train of thoughts.

“Come in,” he said in a slightly shaky voice, his usual cool attitude seemed to be gone. He expected the guy he’d sent for the cigarettes, but instead he saw Makoto, who, as Haruka decided, was probably as good as the cigs. 

“Everything is ready now, the staff is letting people in.” Makoto sat down on the sofa next to him, but Haruka didn’t even look up. He kept staring at the guitar in his hands, like he’d forgotten what to do with it. Makoto’s words didn’t calm him down  _ at all. _

“How do you feel?”

“Fine.” Haruka hoped that his lie wasn’t too clear. He didn’t want to make people worried, to disappoint them. He needed to be stronger than his problems to do what he was expected to.

“Don’t worry, you are going to be okay.” Those words didn’t sound as personal as Makoto’s previous comforting. They were probably said out of habit in quite a distant tone. And Haruka  knew that he was the reason. He was acting distant first. In the past week, when he barely talked to Makoto and claimed to sleep on the futon every night. He just wanted to figure out his confused feelings, but ended up making everything even worse, because now he felt as lost as before, and also  _ lonely.  _

“We should go now.” Makoto slowly stood up and Haruka felt like his insides had frozen and he couldn’t breathe for a second. It was here. He couldn’t stop it. 

He stood up, too, and tried to force his legs to  _ stop shaking.  _ Together with Makoto he left the cozy, safe changing room and walked down the dark hallway to the space behind the huge, heavy black curtains. Now, only these curtains were between Haruka and people who came to watch him - and he could hear them. The loud buzz that only crowds make. He felt dizzy and there was fog in front of his eyes. He turned to Makoto, who was standing next to him, following him until the concert would start, like a good manager. Haruka grabbed his wrist and squeezed it probably harder than planned.

“Makoto,” he said with despair in his voice and tears in his eyes. He was such a mess, he would feel embarrassed - if he was able to feel anything else at the moment than fear and anxiety.

“What’s wrong?” Makoto’s eyes widened and the distant acting was gone as he grabbed both Haruka’s shoulders. “You look sick. Are you okay?”

“I can’t do this.” Haruka closed his eyes while shaking his head. “I can’t… I need a shot. I need a shot right now.” 

Makoto stared at him for a while, yet to Haruka it seemed like he was studying his face forever. Then he let go of Haruka’s shoulders and hugged him instead, pulling him as close as possible. Haruka returned the hug thankfully and rested his head on the other’s shoulder, still trembling.

“Listen. You don’t need drugs, you can do this yourself. You are stronger than you think. Talented. Ignore people, you aren’t here because of them.  _ They  _ are here because of  _ you.  _ Because you are that amazing. You don’t have to think about them. Focus on yourself and your guitar. Just play and sing like you always do. I’m here. I’ll always be here. If I see you struggling, I’ll stop the whole thing, I promise.” He was talking fast, in that soothing voice of his and all the problems and fears started melting away, together with Haruka himself. Makoto was right, he didn’t need drugs. Maybe it had been like this the entire time. He just needed someone to be there for him. 

All of sudden it felt like he finally understood himself. The confusing feelings he had been dealing with lately. Everything made perfect sense now. 

“Makoto, I-”

“You need to go now.” The taller man let him go and gave him one last supporting smile. “Everything is going to be okay. I believe in you.” And with this he drew the curtain and gently pushed Haruka onto the stage.

The audience exploded. Once they spotted him, they started clapping and screaming and for a while Haruka thought that he was going to faint right there, right then, but then he remembered Makoto’s advice and looked down at the guitar he was still holding like his life depended on it. Right. It was just him and his guitar again.

There was a chair and a microphone in the middle of the stage and he walked towards them slowly. The audience calmed down - now almost everyone was quiet and Haruka felt the tension raising with every step he made. He finally sat down on the chair, found a comfortable position and cleared his throat while playing a few tones to make sure his guitar was tuned well. Now it seemed like the people watching him were even holding their breaths. 

“Okay… Uhm…” That wasn’t the best way to start a speech, but he had no better ideas - Yamazaki gave him a lot of advice, but now his mind was absolutely clear. Erased. “My name is Haruka Nanase and I’ll sing for you tonight. Thank you all for coming.” It sounded pretty lame to him, but the audience applauded again, so it was probably okay. “The first song tonight will be  _ Silhouettes. _ ”

He was completely consumed by his own music since the moment he played the first chord, yet he still noticed that people were  _ singing  _ the chorus  _ along _ with him. They knew the words of his song by heart and sang with him. It was so shocking. So amazing. 

When he played the other songs from his new album, not many people knew the lyrics, but their reactions weren’t any less intense. Soon the atmosphere in the hall started feeling really good, people were enjoying the music just as much as Haruka. He loved music. The others loved music, too. 

He was playing the songs in the same order as they were on the album, and in the middle of the concert he played  _ Station to Station  _ by David Bowie - and for some reason he couldn’t get Makoto off his mind the entire time. 

 

_ It’s not the side-effects of cocaine _

_ I’m thinking that it must be love _

_ It’s too late _

_ \- to be grateful _

_ It’s too late  _

_ -to be late again _

_ It’s too late  _

_ -to be hateful _

_ The european cannon is here _

 

_ I must be only one in a million _

_ I won’t let the day pass _

_ Without her _

_ It’s too late _

_ \- to be grateful _

_ It’s too late  _

_ -to be late again _

_ It’s too late  _

_ -to be hateful _

_ The european cannon is here _

 

_ Should I believe that I’ve been stricken? _

_ Does my face show  _

_ some kind of glow? _

_ It’s too late _

_ \- to be grateful _

_ It’s too late  _

_ -to be late again _

_ It’s too late  _

_ -to be hateful _

_ The european cannon is here, yes it’s here _

 

_ I’m thinking that it must be love…  _ He had this weird feeling during the whole song. Like it spoke to him in a really strange way. Like it…  _ was  _ about him. 

At the end of the whole concert he played  _ Heroes _ \- it somehow felt right to do so. A big part of the audience appreciated it and sang the whole song along with him - it was awesome, hearing all those people joining him. 

And just like that, it was all over. Haruka thanked the audience once again, saying that they were amazing, and it seemed like people weren’t going to stop clapping. But Haruka’s mind was wandering somewhere else by now. Once people calmed down, he almost ran to the backstage, half-heartedly thanking the staff members congratulating him on a great concert. Soon enough he found the person he was looking for.

“Haru, that was amazing!” Makoto didn’t wait for any kind of response and hugged Haruka tightly instead. Then he pulled back again, staring at the other with shining, happy eyes. “I’m so proud of you. You were perfect.”

“Makoto.” Haruka bit his lip nervously and looked up at the taller man. “I need to tell you something.” He then looked around and noticed that the space behind the curtains was still full of people. “Not here.”

“Sure.” Makoto sounded confused, but didn’t object and followed Haruka to the hallway, that was, by a stroke of luck, empty enough. “What is it?”

“I…” Haruka took a deep breath and looked straight into Makoto’s eyes. The darkness of the hallway was to his advantage - they both could barely see and Haruka found it somehow calming. “I finally figured out what’s going on with me. How I feel.” He made another pause, and forced himself to keep the eye contact with now even more confused Makoto. “I knew it for a while, but… Today, I finally… I love you, Makoto.” The last sentence escaped his lips in a really small and shaky voice, but he said it. He really said it. 

For a while there was nothing but Haruka’s shaky breaths and the sounds from the hall, but then he heard Makoto’s sharp intake of breath - and then the taller guy stepped closer to him and connected their lips.

The kiss was very slow and soft and it felt somehow different from all their previous kisses. It was so full of affection that Haruka thought he would melt right there, as he wrapped his arms around Makoto’s neck like it would be the last thing to do in his life. 

“Thank you so much,” Makoto whispered once their lips parted. “Thank you for everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so what do you think about this chap? I'm pretty insecure, but then again, I'm always insecure. As always, thank you for your support (20 chapters, holy shit, time to celebrate!) and it's your feedback that keeps me going.   
> Thanks for reading and feel free to hit me up on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> Welcome to the new chapter! This one is beta-ed by the amazing dildowizard. Go read her fics, they are super awesome!!!  
> Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that the song in the second part is Suffragette City by David Bowie and I listened to it while writing that part, so you can try it too, it's beautiful. I hope you'll enjoy this chap!

The endless praises from Yamazaki would usually mean a lot to Haruka and the atmosphere of the concert would keep his mind busy for hours and hours, but none of those things mattered at the moment. At the moment, when Makoto closed the door of his flat and pressed his lips against Haruka’s again, the only thing that mattered was their touches, their closeness and their kisses. Haruka was holding onto Makoto’s broad shoulders like it was the only thing he could do, his knees feeling weaker and weaker as Makoto slid his tongue past his lips. It was almost like he was tasting, savouring Haruka's mouth, and the other tried to do the same, but he mostly just enjoyed Makoto's affection. He was in such a dreamy state that a small part of his mind started to believe that this all wasn’t even real.

When Makoto broke the kiss, Haruka looked up at him with a questioning look in his eyes, his eyelids suddenly heavy. 

“We should take our coats off,” Makoto explained with one of his too sweet, warm smiles, and did exactly what he’d suggested, then helped Haruka to do the same. While they were at it, they also took off their shoes. The coats landed on the ground, now lying on the bag and the guitar that were there before. Their lips connected in another long kiss and it took them a few seconds to break it so they could catch their breaths.

“You taste like cigarettes,” Makoto whispered between two deep breaths. “You’ve been smoking a lot lately.”

“I know.” Haruka looked down, fighting the urge to hide his face in Makoto’s chest. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Makoto’s lips brushed Haruka’s ear as he whispered this and pulled the other even closer. “Just be careful.” Then he pulled away completely and grabbed Haruka’s hand, leading him out of the entrance hall and into the living room. “Do you want to eat something?”

“No.” Haruka knew he wouldn’t be able to eat anything - he felt too nervous, too uneasy and his stomach was unsettled. He desperately wanted to ask something that had been bothering him for a long time now, but he didn’t know how to say it. Without thinking, he squeezed Makoto’s hand. The other turned towards him, blinking, and in that moment, Haruka couldn’t hold the words back.

“Why me?”

“What?” Makoto asked, now completely confused.

“Why did you choose me? Why do you love  _ me _ ?”

Makoto’s jaw dropped. For a while, he just stared at Haruka, before he took a deep breath. “Because… I...“ he struggled for words and stepped closer to the other. “There is something about you. I can’t really say what it is, but it has completely consumed me. When I’m with you, my mind is at peace, yet it’s also so worked up. I can’t focus on anything but you. It’s not only about me wanting to protect or save you. I just want to  _ be  _ with you. Like only existing next to you would be enough. You gave me something my life lacked and I didn’t know about it.”

This answer was much longer and more full of feeling than Haruka expected and left him completely speechless, unsure of how to react. So he did the only thing that seemed to be right at the moment, he stopped thinking and let his body do whatever his feelings wanted. He pushed himself up onto his tiptoes, grabbed Makoto’s face in his hands and kissed the taller boy passionately and deeply - that was his reaction. Just as Makoto’s confession, this kiss was full of real feelings. Haruka didn’t question anything anymore - he just  _ felt.  _ And what he felt was stronger than anything in his life before. Hatred, pain, despair and sadness from his childhood were erased for this one special moment when Makoto returned the kiss with the same passion, wrapping his arms around Haruka’s waist and holding him firmly, but lovingly. 

Somehow they stumbled to the bedroom, still in a tight embrace with their lips connected. Makoto lay Haruka down on the bed carefully, leaning over to press a chaste kiss on his forehead. Then he turned on the lamp on the night stand and lay down on the bed beside him, facing the ceiling with an exhausted, yet satisfied expression. Haruka was lying on his back as well, but his head was turned to the side so he could watch the man next to him. The lamp light streaming over his head copied the lines of his face and Haruka felt his heart beat faster at this sight.

“You were amazing today.” Makoto looked at him and probably noticed his dreamy stare, but didn't comment on it. “You don't know how proud I am. How much I admire you.” The green eyed man shifted so he was lying on his side, and reached out to caress Haruka's face. The lamp was still behind him and now it was making his hair seem almost gold, but his face was covered in a shadow.

“Thanks,” Haruka murmured and, without thinking, he moved into the same position as Makoto, so they were facing each other. 

Their short conversation was followed by silence, but not an awkward one. It was more observing, expecting, as the two of them were silently and secretly looking at each other, thinking about what this of all meant. After a few seconds Makoto caught Haruka’s look and then cupped his cheek, connecting their lips in another kiss. This one was shorter and Makoto quickly pulled away.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t stop doing that,” he chuckled nervously. Then his expression became more serious, sad even.

“What’s wrong?” asked Haruka, confused by the sudden change of mood.

“I’m afraid.” Makoto wasn’t looking at him when he said those words, he kept staring at his own fingers, which were drumming on the bed sheet in a quick, nervous rhythm. 

“Of what?”

“Relationships.” The drumming stopped, and the big, honest green eyes finally met the blue ones.

“Why?” Haruka didn’t even realise that his question might have sounded rude or insensitive, he was too consumed by his own confusion and curiosity. 

“I just…” Makoto lay on his back again with a deep sigh. “I had many relationships. I believe it was like… five? Or six? And all of them ended in a terrible disaster. And I thought… Why? Why does this keep happening? You know, the problem might be in me. If the problem was in my partners, it would be a weird coincidence. So maybe I am the one who isn’t capable of being in a relationship.” Makoto took a deep breath and shrugged. “Sorry. I didn’t want to complain about my life or anything.”

Haruka remained silent for a while. It was unbelievable - to him Makoto seemed like a perfect person. The truth was that they didn’t know each other too well, but… He couldn’t imagine this man screwing up a relationship. 

“I’m sure it’s not about you,” he said, staring into the green depths he fell in love with, although he did his best not to. “You were just unlucky. Maybe they weren’t the right people for you?” 

“Maybe I’m not-”

“Shut up.”

“What?” Makoto blinked, and his eyes widened.

“I don’t want to hear any of that ‘I can’t have a relationship, because I’m not the right person’ bullshit.” Haruka took a deep breath before continuing. “I think you are a loving and loveable person, so I’m not having any of that.”

Makoto was staring at him for a while, his mouth slightly opened, probably confused by Haruka’s speech just as much as Haruka himself. Then his worried, nervous expression finally changed into a sweet smile and he leaned closer to kiss the other again, properly this time. Haruka ran his fingers through Makoto’s hair automatically as he kissed him back. Then the olive brown haired man pulled him as close as possible, holding him in a tight embrace and the strong feeling of intimacy, affection and  _ love _ between them remained, even though they weren’t kissing anymore. 

“Thank you so much,” Makoto whispered and pressed small kisses on both corners of  Haruka’s mouth.

“I should be the one thanking you,” the black haired boy breathed out. “You gave me  _ everything _ . So don’t you dare saying thanks, that’s my line.”

“I only pushed you a little bit. You were born amazing, I didn’t do anything about it.” Their foreheads were now touching and Haruka slowly closed his eyes. He couldn’t bare Makoto’s gaze being so close and so breathtaking - also he felt really tired and comfortable enough to fall asleep like that.

“Aren’t your parents looking for you?”

Haruka’s eyes snapped open, his comfortable resting mood turning into a shocked and defensive one in a few seconds. 

“What?!” 

Makoto was obviously surprised and maybe even startled by his unusually loud and heated reaction. He pulled away from Haruka as he started speaking. “I thought that now when your music video and your song and your  _ name  _ are famous, it might let your parents know that you are alive and maybe they already started looking for you?”

Haruka relaxed on the bed again, feeling uneasy and restless and those feelings just wouldn’t go away. If he was high, they would.

“I really doubt it,” he said and scolded himself mentally for that awful thought. 

“And if they wanted to find you… Would you meet them?”

“No way,” was Haruka’s immediate response. “I ran away from home for a reason.”

“I’m sorry,” mumbled Makoto and turned over to lie on his stomach. He then buried his face in the pillow. “I’m really sorry, Haru,” he continued although his words were a little muffled. “I’m used to having a normal nice family, so I can’t really imagine that.” When he said that, he probably realised that it might have sounded really insensitive - talking about his nice family in front of someone who ran away from his.

“It’s okay.”

Makoto looked up with a surprised look. “Are you sure? I know that it’s a sensitive topic for you and-”

“I said it’s okay. I don’t care.” Haruka even gave him a faint smile to assure him that he didn’t have to worry about it. He did care, though. Deep inside. Now that he was sober. 

For a while he was thinking of using an excuse to sneak out and get drugs, because his feelings started to show up and were about to turn him into a mess, but then he scolded himself once more.  _ I managed to sing in front of many people without getting high - I can stand some stupid memories and emotions.  _

Haruka’s eyelids felt heavy again and he wished for nothing but to snuggle closer to Makoto again and fall asleep. He was too shy to actually do so, so he just stared at the other, hoping he would get the message.

“Haru, you are tired, aren’t you?” Makoto’s voice was as soft as his touch when he grabbed Haruka’s hand and rubbed it a little with his thumb.

“Hmm.”

“Come here.” Now the older man just whispered and brought Haruka closer to his warm body. The raven haired boy hugged him back and buried his face in Makoto’s T-shirt, inhaling the sweet scent of some kind of nice perfume and Makoto himself.

 

***

  
  


When he opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was that the room was full of light that was shining through the holes between the blinds. It was probably pretty late in the morning. Haruka rolled on the bed and stretched his stiffened muscles. He felt relaxed, it seemed like he finally got a long, good sleep. But something was a little weird - he was alone in the room.

Well, considering how long he slept, it wouldn’t be surprising if Makoto was already up. Haruka sat up on the bed first and then stood up, slowly, but not hesitantly. Somehow he felt good even about getting up. Like something was telling him that this was going to be a good day, and he really needed one after months and months of awful days.

He walked over to the window and opened the blinds. The sun hurt his eyes at first, but when he got used to the light, he saw that the sky was still grey, but the sun was up and shining. It was one of those strange autumn moods. 

The view from the window in Makoto’s bedroom was pretty nice. Haruka could see the roofs of smaller buildings and many windows of the bigger ones. The city was as grey as the sky, only the neon light signs, cars in the streets and flowerbeds shined with colour. Also, the clothes of people in the streets seemed like a mosaic, a chaos of colours.

After a few minutes of staring out of the window and admiring the beautiful day, Haruka left the bedroom and walked through the hallway to the living room. It was quiet and empty - as well as the kitchen, which he checked after that. 

_ I didn’t cook anything yesterday,  _ he thought somewhere in the back of his mind, while the main part of his brain was wondering where Makoto could be. He looked at the clock on the microwave.

_ 9:22 AM. _

He really slept for a long time, way longer than usually. 

After looking at the time and checking all rooms including the bathroom and finding out that Makoto’s coat was gone, the only logical answer would be that he already left for work. But Haruka began to feel a little nervous and uneasy, his brain started creating really weird theories and his paranoia was about to consume him whole. He needed to be sure. But what was he going to do? Take a tram to the Heimat Records, walk to Makoto’s office and ask him if everything was alright? It sounded stupid, but he had no other choice.

_ Wait…  _ Haruka stopped in the middle of the hallway, already on his way to the entrance hall.  _ I do have another choice. _

He turned around and walked back to the living room where he started looking around. Soon his eyes landed on the phone placed on the table - his phone. He almost forgot about this option. Of course, he had a phone in the past, but after running away from home - and leaving all devices including his phone - he wasn’t used to it anymore. Now he walked over to the table, grabbed the phone and sat down on the sofa. He unlocked it, using a very simple code he chose so he wouldn’t forget it, and found Makoto’s name in contacts. He opened the contact and clicked on “type a message”.

_ Hey,  _ he started typing.  _ Where are you?  _ After thinking for a while he added:  _ Is everything ok? H.  _

Then he pressed “send” and put the phone on the sofa next to him. Now he could only wait. Yes, he could have called him, but he had never been a phone person and he hated phone calls. Text messages were always more comfortable for him. 

In less than a minute the phone vibrated and Haruka’s body reacted faster than his mind - he grabbed the phone and opened the message immediately.

_ Hey, Haru! Yes, everything is ok, I’m at work. Didn’t want to wake you up. I told S. you need rest today, so do whatever you want! See you later. M.  _

When Haruka finished reading the message (with a stupid blush forming on his cheeks, even though it was a completely normal message), the phone vibrated once again.

_ This is my last msg, I’m super busy 2day. Love you. _

Now Haruka’s face felt a little hot and he read the message a few times before he locked the phone again and took a deep breath. Good thing - Makoto was okay and his stupid paranoia could go away. Bad thing - he was so busy he couldn’t even spell the words normally and couldn’t even text anymore. 

Haruka felt bad, because Makoto always made sure he had enough rest, while he was working too hard. Maybe it was his job as a manager, but still, it wasn’t fair. After everything he had done for Haruka - and the company, as the black haired man noticed in the past few weeks - he deserved something better than more work. He deserved a reward.

_ A reward… _

“Do whatever you want, huh?” Haruka mumbled. But what could he possibly do? Going outside was out of the question - a walk could be nice, but he knew too well how it usually ended. 

He decided to take a shower and while he let the warm water wash away all troubles and dirt, he got an idea. An idea so great he couldn’t wait to realise it - but first, he needed an advice.

He dried himself, dressed up in black jeans and a blue T-shirt and headed back to the living room. He wanted to sit down again, but then his eyes landed on Makoto’s player. Haruka enjoyed silence, but even more than that he loved music. He pressed the on/off button, turned up the volume and one of David Bowie’s songs started playing. Only a few tones were enough for him to start moving - but only a little - in the rhythm of the music.

 

_ Hey man, ah leave me alone you know _

_ Hey man, well Henry, get off the phone, I gotta _

_ Hey man, I gotta straighten my face _

_ This mellow thighed chick just put my spine out of place _

 

_ Hey man, my school day's insane _

_ Hey man, my work's down the drain _

_ Hey man, well she's a total blam-blam _

_ She said she had to squeeze it but she then she _

 

_ Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket _

_ I'm back from Suffragette City _

_ Oh don't lean on me man 'cause you ain't got time to check it _

_ You know my Suffragette City is outta sight, she's all right _

 

Soon enough his moves turned into dancing. He wasn’t a good dancer, but he enjoyed the music and that was enough, he wasn’t trying to dance  _ correctly  _ nor  _ professionally _ , everything he wanted was to express the feelings the music woke up in him.

He walked-danced to the kitchen where he started preparing breakfast for himself, because he suddenly felt kind of hungry, which was very unusual for him, but everything was so good today he couldn’t complain.

 

_ Hey man, ah Henry, don't be unkind, go away _

_ Hey man, I can't take you this time, no way _

_ Hey man, D-Droogie don't crash here _

_ There's only room for one and here she comes, here she comes _

 

_ Ah don't lean on me man 'cause you can't afford the ticket _

_ I'm back from Suffragette City _

_ Oh don't lean on me man 'cause you ain't got time to check it _

_ You know my Suffragette City is outta sight, she's all right _

 

After  _ Suffragette City  _ he listened to a few more Bowie’s songs and, together with the bowl of fruits he made for himself and ate while sitting on the sofa, it created a perfect morning. 

Now back to his plan.

He took the phone again and this time he found Nagisa's name in the contacts. The blonde was the only one who not only saved his number, but also added a picture of him wearing a  little hat that was like… very little and attached to his hair on one side, and Nagisa was holding up a peace sign while smiling. Haruka took some time to look at the picture and then he started typing a message.

_ Hey. Are you at work? H. _

Nagisa’s reply came later than Makoto’s, but it was still pretty quick. 

_ Hello!!! Yes, I’m working, but I have plenty of time lol. Are you lonely? Wanna chat? ;) _

 

_ Actually, I’d like to meet you and talk about something. I need an advice. _

 

_ Wow. Why me tho? But you can come over if you want. You know where to find me. _

 

_ You are the only person I can talk to about this. _

 

***

 

Twenty minutes later Haruka was standing in front of the Heimat Records building. Luckily enough he left the tram before he had a panic attack, but he was really close to it, therefore he felt sick now. 

_ I’m outside,  _ he texted Nagisa when he reached the front door. He made a mental note to ask Yamazaki about his own chip. Now he was an employee, too, wasn’t he?

He waited about another five minutes before the door opened and he saw Nagisa in his typical crazy clothes, a tank top with leopard pattern and neon pink leather leggings. He was smiling, but looked a little confused, worried. It was probably because of the messages Haruka sent him. 

“Hey, Haru!” Nagisa greeted him in his usual cheerful voice. “Come in.”

They walked past the receptionist, who greeted Haruka as well and congratulated him on his latest successes, to which he mumbled a little embarrassed “thanks” and then he and Nagisa rode the elevator to the third floor. 

“I hope you don’t mind talking to me in my salon. I have nothing to do at the moment, but I can’t leave my place,” explained Nagisa when they arrived in front of the door leading to his salon.

“It’s okay.”

“Good.” 

When they entered the room, Nagisa hurried to remove a pile of clothes from one of the chairs standing next to dressing tables. 

“Please, excuse the mess,” he said as he gestured towards the chair. “I’ll have a band here in the afternoon and I already prepared everything.” All other chairs had clothes or makeup tools on them as well.

“It’s okay,” Haruka said once again and sat down on the chair. Nagisa sat down on the dressing table, pretty close, but not close enough to invade the other’s personal space. 

“Okay, so.” Nagisa stared at the black haired boy with his huge magenta eyes, obviously worried. “Let’s see if I can help you. Why didn’t you ask Mako, though?”

“Uh, well…” Haruka avoided the other’s gaze. “It’s about him, actually.”

“Oh.” Nagisa’s jaw dropped and his lips created a small  _ o.  _ “You don’t wanna break up with him, do you?” He leaned closer and grabbed Haruka’s shoulders, now definitely invading the boy’s personal space. 

“What? No!” Haruka pushed him away carefully. 

“Ah, I’m glad then.” Nagisa sighed in relief, leaning against the mirror behind his back. “Because if you broke his heart, I couldn’t be your friend anymore. He doesn’t deserve it.” He straightened his back again and looked at Haruka. “Unless you had a valid reason. I can’t imagine a reason to dump Mako, though.”

“Me neither,” Haruka mumbled.

“Well, what is it then?” Nagisa’s eyes were sparkling with an almost childish curiosity again.

“Have you… Have you slept with a lot of men?”

Nagisa looked almost shocked once again. Almost. After a second he grinned and probably didn’t even find the question embarrassing, because he answered right away.

“I wouldn’t say that. More like with one, two, three men… many times.”

“Does it…” Haruka took a sharp breath. “Does it always hurt so much?”

“What?” Nagisa seemed really confused.

“I mean… From my experience… It’s always painful and bloody and disgusting-”

“Wait wait wait. Stop right here.” Nagisa waved his hands in front of Haruka’s face to support his words. “Are you telling me that every time you had sex you weren’t prepared properly?”

Now it was Haruka’s time to be confused. “What?”

“Oh dear god.” The blonde stood up and covered his mouth with one of his hands. “Sounds like you’ve experienced some shitty things, huh?” He then placed his hands on Haruka’s shoulders again, calmly this time. “Look. I won’t explain this stuff to you. But you are planning to do it with Mako, right?”

Haruka looked down, feeling his cheeks burning and scolding himself for acting that way, and nodded. “I wanted to… reward him for all the hard work. And everything he had done for me. Also to show him that I really care, because…” Another sharp intake of breath. “Because I’m not really good at it.” After he said those words, he finally looked up to find a really nice, caring expression on Nagisa’s face.

“Then you have nothing to be afraid of. He won’t hurt you. Damn, he’d rather cut his own arms off than hurt someone he loves. I’m sure everything will be okay.”

“Okay,” Haruka nodded, feeling way better than a while ago, when he came up with his great plan but felt too terrified to actually do it. “Thank you.”

And so this beautiful day started looking even better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, guys, what do you think about this chap? Was it good? Was it bad? Please, let me know your thoughts! Thank you for your support! See you in the next chapter!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> I'm back with a super special chapter! I hope you are excited for this one, because I sure was!  
> Edited by my perfect and perfectionist beta, Terinka (headoverheelswithsharkgrin.tumblr.com) <3
> 
> Btw, during this chap I listened to the song Never let me go by Florence and The Machine, so you can try it too! Enjoy!

Haruka spent about an hour chatting with Nagisa - which meant mostly listening to how the blonde had spent his days. He didn’t mind at all, though. He actually had a completely opposite feeling - he gladly listened to all the happy, mostly funny stories and happily absorbed, sucked in the positive vibes the shorter guy was giving off.

Around noon they said their goodbyes to each other and Haruka left the building, alone this time. He kind of hoped - even though he found it quite stupid - that he wouldn’t meet Yamazaki or Makoto. It wasn’t like he was doing something wrong or forbidden, but he would have to explain why he went to work on his day off without telling his… manager. It was weird, thinking about Makoto like that. His manager. But what else could he be to Haruka? They didn’t talk about their _relationship._ Yes, they confessed to each other - this thought made Haruka feel a little embarrassed, he wasn’t used to talking about his feelings out loud and he had never confessed to anyone before either - and kissed many times. Even slept in the same bed (occasionally). But if he were supposed to give the thing that was going on between them a name, he would fail.

Haruka walked fast towards the tram station. He didn’t want to spend outside more time than necessary. He didn’t trust himself, dreaded his old habits and the things waiting for him in the darkness of the narrow alleys. He loved this city, yet he couldn’t stand the sight, the atmosphere, the memories connected to the streets.

He regretted leaving his cigarettes on the table in the living room so much.

He knew that if he wandered around, if he let himself explore the places he knew better than his old house, he would buy drugs again. He would get addicted faster than he got rid of the drug. Now that he had money and freedom, he was capable of doing anything. Which was the reason why he was trying to get home quickly. To distract himself and continue his plan. To make sure he wouldn’t fail - that he wouldn’t break his promise.

He almost ran the last few hundred meters between the tram station and Makoto’s flat - that’s how afraid he was of his own desires. Once he finally got into the flat, he smoked four cigarettes - next to an open window - before his craving slowly faded away. Well, not _completely._ Some of it still reminded, the sweet voice of temptation, promising that everything was going to be okay - just _one small shot._

He sighed deeply and walked over to the sofa and collapsed on it, sitting down heavily like his legs couldn’t carry him anymore. He was absolutely out of mental strength and the physical strength was about to follow it.

Suddenly the phone in his pocket - he had almost forgotten about it, so it startled him a little - vibrated.

It was a message from Makoto.

 

_Hey, just texting you to tell you that I’ll be home early, around 6 or 7 pm. Looking forward to seeing you! Love, M._

 

Haruka felt a part of his mental strength coming back - he still had something to do.

 

***

 

He had small lunch, just a salad - he still didn’t need to eat that much, but slowly started getting used to eating again. He had around four hours before Makoto would come back home and he wanted to use it as best he could.

First of all, he needed to calm down. He was getting worked up only _thinking_ about what he was going to do, which wasn’t very helpful. He sat down on the armchair and took a few deep breaths. His heart was racing with fear, but also with excitement. It couldn’t be only fear, after all. It was Makoto. Haruka wasn’t afraid of him.

Nagisa’s advice helped him a little as well. At least he was assured that it was going to be okay.

He couldn’t believe that he decided to do such a thing, that he was going to volunteer to do it - something that was connected with pain and humiliation for him.

But he wanted to show Makoto that the words he had said were true, that he really felt something stronger than anything before. Also, Makoto deserved a reward for his hard work, a little distraction. Haruka was willing to give him everything he had.

He spent a lot of time imagining things in his head, going through everything he was going to do or say over and over again, making sure he wouldn’t fail. The time ran faster than Haruka would like to. Was it possible that he was actually looking forward to Makoto coming home? He couldn’t tell, the jolting feelings in his stomach were too confusing. Most importantly, soon it was 5 pm and he had an hour or so to finish his preparations.

Haruka - really ashamed of his actions, but not regretting anything - went through Makoto’s wardrobe in his bedroom, hoping to find something he could use. Something special. Luckily enough he found a nice black night robe - it looked unused, like Makoto never actually wore it. Maybe it was an unwanted present. Haruka took it out of the wardrobe - it was a little fluffy, but not much. It was perfect.

After that he headed to the bathroom, placed the night robe on the small wardrobe next to the washbowl and took his clothes off. He prepared a huge hot bath and just lay in the warm water for a while, enjoying the heat that calmed his worked up mind down. He washed himself properly then, using the shower gel that smelled so good - he couldn’t quite figure out what could it be. Like fruits, but also herbs. And it smelled very _manly._

He washed his entire body properly and even thought of shaving (while blushing a little), but then he decided against it. He didn’t have much body hair anyway - and it was the last thing Makoto would mind. Haruka inspected his too skinny, purple at some places body and the marks on his right arm that looked hideous, and frowned. He absolutely hated his body, especially the ugly parts. Body hair was really the last problem.

He sighed and closed his eyes, leaning against the tub, and tried to relax. He was too much of a coward with an unattractive body. He wasn’t able to do that. He wasn’t able to take his and Makoto’s relationship to the next step, he wasn’t able to give him the reward he deserved.

He was a failure.

He never cared about his looks when he slept with his customers. He never cared about anything - he was always high, just waiting for the whole thing to be over. But now with Makoto it all mattered, it mattered so much.

Haruka shook his head violently, as if the stupid thoughts could just fall out. He decided to show Makoto his feelings - so now he couldn’t chicken out, could he?

He stood up and stepped out of the bath, grabbing a towel and drying himself. When he was done, he put on the night robe and looked in the mirror.

It was a little big on him, but when he used the belt to tie it, it wasn’t going to fall off. He adjusted the night robe a little, so now it was showing his collar bones. He thought it looked quite good. There wasn’t much to do with his hair, so he just ran his hand through it, making it look a little wild. _Wild?!_ What the hell was that word? What was going on with him?

When Haruka left the bathroom and walked to the kitchen to check the time, he found out that he spent too much time in the bath and now it already was a few minutes past six. He hurried to the bedroom to close the blinds, so now the room was a bit dark, and sat down on the bed, feeling nervousness rising in his stomach with every second passing. He could still stop. He could still step back.

He didn’t do it.

And then he heard the sound of the door being unlocked - Makoto was here. Haruka started biting his lower lip, trying to calm himself down. He felt like his stomach was going to jump out of his body and run away.

“Haru? I’m home!” He could hear Makoto’s voice coming from the entrance hall, and then steps heading to the living room. “Haru?”

Should he say something? No, not yet.

“Haru!” Makoto’s voice sounded a little worried now and Haruka started doubting his plan again, but kept waiting.

Finally, the bedroom door opened.

“Oh, Haru, here you are.” Makoto stepped inside, sighing in relief. “You scared me.” He was wearing a white shirt that looked really good on him and tight grey trousers.

“Sorry,” Haruka mumbled. He stood up and walked over to Makoto. When he was close enough, he wrapped his arms around his neck and placed a soft kiss on the taller boy’s lips. “Welcome back.”

“That was a very nice greeting,” Makoto said in a deep voice filled with emotions and smiled. In the dark room his eyes were sparkling with happiness. Then he looked at the other boy properly and blinked. “I haven't seen this in a while,” he said and placed his hand on Haruka's shoulder, rubbing the fabric of the night robe. “It looks good on you.”

“I’m wearing nothing under this,” Haruka said in a mellow voice - it didn't sound completely _seductive,_ but his regular tone changed. And Makoto noticed.

“Oh really?” He was obviously nervous, green eyes travelling between Haruka's face and the night robe.

“Mmm-hmm.” Haruka pressed his body closer to Makoto’s and kissed the other’s jaw line.

“Haru, wait, you-”

“I thought you deserve a reward for all your hard work. Usually, you don’t even get a break, right?”

“Well,” Makoto sighed. “I have a lot of work.”

“You need a break. A distraction. Also you deserve something...for everything you have done for me.” Haruka leaned forward and softly bit Makoto’s earlobe.”And I can give you that something.”

As soon as he finished talking, he felt two strong arms pushing him away. Makoto was blushing slightly, but more importantly, he was frowning.

“We’ve already talked about this. I don’t want you to pay for anything, especially not this way, ” Makoto sighed.

Haruka stepped back and let his arms fall from Makoto’s shoulders.

“You don’t want me?” His voice was really quiet and he couldn’t believe he was _that_ disappointed.

Makoto sighed again and rubbed his forehead. “It’s not about this. I just don’t want you to pay me with your body. It’s wrong.” He slowly wrapped his arms around Haruka’s waist. “You don’t have to do it, okay?” His smile seemed a little sad.

“But I want to.” Haruka was staring deep into the other’s eyes with a determined, passionate expression. “I also want to show you that I meant what I said.”

Makoto’s expression visibly softened. “The words were enough, Haru. You don’t have to prove me anything.”

“But I _want_ it,” Haruka repeated. “For the first time in my life I want it. I’m not afraid.”

Makoto’s jaw dropped and he couldn’t do anything but stare at the younger boy. “If you want me, too…” Haruka’s voice was really quiet and low again. “...then take me.”

For a while the room fell silent - no words, no movements. And then Makoto leaned closer and kissed Haruka as if he was dying to do this, as if he had spent days plodding through a desert and Haruka was a bottle of water that could save his life. Haruka kissed him back, savouring all those open mouthed kisses filled with affection and passion at the same time. The raven haired boy wrapped his arms around Makoto’s neck once again and the other kept holding on his waist. After a while Makoto’s lips moved over to Haruka’s neck and the shorter man gasped and tilted his head to make his neck more exposed. It felt so soft and comfortable that he would stay this way forever.

Soon Makoto’s kisses moved again - he removed the fabric of the night robe from Haruka’s shoulder and pressed his lips against the soft pale skin. Then he pulled away and looked into Haruka’s eyes. His own eyes were filled with lust and love and seemed to be way deeper than usual.

“I’m doing this because I love you,” he said in a husky voice. “And because I want to experience nice things with you.”

Once Makoto finished the sentence, he pushed Haruka very carefully towards the bed, gently making him lie down. Then he crawled on top of him and connected their lips again in a slow, deep kiss that left Haruka breathless. Makoto’s touches felt different, like he wasn’t holding back even a bit, but they weren’t rough at all. They were still soft, affectionate and comfortable and Haruka wanted to get lost in this moment forever. The moment when they were lying on the bed, holding each other and kissing. Makoto was the first one to break the kiss and he looked at Haruka with a loving smile before moving a little down to untie the belt of the night robe. In the end he took it off completely - it landed on the ground next to the bed.

Haruka hadn’t been lying before - he really was naked under the night robe. And already half-hard from the mix of excitement, expectations and Makoto’s kisses and touches. Now he felt exposed, almost vulnerable, lying on the bed and feeling Makoto’s stare on his naked body. The room was a little dark, but most things were still visible, including his pale skin. In the past he always wanted to do it in a place as dark as possible and never this way. No spreading on the bed, lying face to face - he wanted it from behind so he wouldn’t have to see his client..

But now it was different. Makoto was different.

His thoughts were interrupted by a kiss pressed onto his collar bone. One of Makoto’s hands was caressing Haruka’s hip and he used the other one to support himself above the younger boy..

“Wait,” Haruka breathed out. Makoto stopped immediately and looked up, his eyes still very deep, but his face was calm.

“Take off your clothes,” Haruka said, despite feeling his chest tightening with all the feelings that overwhelmed him at the moment. Makoto just silently nodded and pulled away from him. Now he was kneeling between Haruka’s legs and started unbuttoning his shirt. There was nowhere to rush, so he wasn’t hurrying, and Haruka didn’t mind. He enjoyed the sight anyway. Soon enough Makoto took his shirt off and revealed an extremely handsome body. He probably spent a lot of time in the gym, considering the muscles Haruka got to see. Makoto’s body was beautiful - he couldn’t wait to touch it, to run his fingers across the slightly tanned skin.

Makoto took his pants off as well and now he was lying back on top of Haruka only in his black boxers. He continued from where he left off - kissing Haruka’s collar bones, neck, shoulders - he kissed probably every inch of Haruka’s body in such a soft and loving way. It felt like he lingered at the places Haruka found the ugliest, pressing kisses onto them with special care. It felt like all of Haruka’s senses were focused on the place Makoto was touching at the moment and soon enough he was overwhelmed with pleasure, gasping for air and even letting out a few moans when it became too much to bear.

“Makoto… ah-” He threw his head back when Makoto finally touched his member, lightly at first, and soon he started to move his hand up and down. Haruka squeezed his eyes shut. He had never been touched by anyone else before - his customers were only after their own release and didn’t even think of touching him. He would probably throw up anyway. But when Makoto touched him, he felt the pleasure running through his whole body.

Suddenly Makoto’s warm hand was gone and they started kissing again. Haruka ran his fingers through Makoto’s hair, bringing his head a little closer, desperately craving more, more kisses, more touches, more closeness.

“I want you,” he said between two ragged breaths when their mouths parted.

“I want you, too,” Makoto replied, breathing fast. He moved down again, leaving a trail of kisses on Haruka’s chest and belly. This time he avoided Haruka’s now almost fully erect member and looked up at the other before spreading his legs wider. Haruka was staring at him, feeling both excited and afraid at the same time. His chest was now going up and down fast because of nervousness more than anything else. Makoto seemed to notice, because he pressed a few kisses against Haruka’s inner thigh and then looked up again.

“It’s okay,” he said in a soothing voice. “We don’t have to continue.”

“I want to continue,” Haruka said in a trembling voice.

“Then relax. I’m not going to hurt you.” His tone and expression were both assuring and Haruka tried to do what Makoto said - he tried to relax, to calm down and give in to the other.

Makoto came back to kissing Haruka’s inner thighs, which was slowly driving the raven haired boy crazy. He kept going up until he pressed one last kiss to Haruka’s butt cheek.

“Can you please turn over?”

Haruka panicked a little. “I don’t want it from behind.” Despite the fact that this was Makoto, he couldn’t forget about his past experience. He sat up on the bed, his eyes filled with fear. Makoto looked confused at first, but then he cupped Haruka’s cheek and rubbed it with his thumb.

“Shh, it’s okay. We won’t do it that way. I just need to prepare you first.”

“Oh…” Haruka felt stupid for overreacting. “This part is new to me,” he said quietly and looked down.

Makoto took a deep breath and he looked like he was about to say something, but probably decided to drop it in the end, because he only caressed Haruka’s cheek once again and just said:

“Then..I’ll show you how to do it the nice way. The right way.”

Haruka nodded and turned over, now standing on all fours on the bed. He had no idea what Makoto was planning to do. Sure, he figured a few things out, but-

_“Agh!”_

Haruka’s back arched and his mouth opened in surprise and the sudden pleasure - he felt something warm and wet between his butt cheeks. It was Makoto’s _tongue,_ making Haruka feel soo good he couldn’t do anything but grasp the sheets and moan. Makoto kept licking his butthole, twisting and swirling his tongue, and Haruka pushed back against the source of the pleasure, desperately wanting more. He would never imagine it could feel so good. Too soon the warmth disappeared and Makoto left Haruka’s back.

The sound that left Haruka’s mouth was pretty close to a whimper, which was embarrassing, but he didn’t care as long as he could make Makoto continue.

“Wait a sec, dear. I have to get something.” Makoto calmed him down and placed a small kiss on his back. The word he used made Haruka’s stomach fill with a weird feeling, being light and heavy at the same time.

Makoto moved on the bed to sit closer to the night stand which he opened and took something out. It was a small bottle filled with clear liquid. Haruka recognised what that was, even though his customers rarely used it - and when they did, they weren’t really generous.

Back then he thought it was normal, that it always hurt to have sex with a guy. Now, after talking to Nagisa about it, he was more excited than scared.

Makoto returned to his previous position and opened the bottle with a little ‘pop’.

“Are you ready?” He asked, as careful and kind as always.

“Yes…” Haruka still was a little nervous, but he trusted Makoto endlessly. Yes, he did. All of his doubts were fading away when he was with the man he loved.

He felt the first finger, covered in the cold liquid, entering him. It was uncomfortable only for a few seconds - Haruka was used to doing this almost every day, after all. He wasn’t as tight as in the beginning. Back then it really hurt.

Makoto probably realised that he was ready, too, because he added a second finger and started scissoring him. His movements were slow and careful, but soon he reached Haruka’s prostate - and that made the black haired boy gasp and moan. He remembered the jolt of pleasure from his past experiences, but he was always too much in pain to actually enjoy it. Now it was only raw pleasure, strong enough to make his head spin around.

After a while, the third finger was added as well and Makoto managed to hit the sweet spot with every move. He was still moving his fingers slowly and that helped Haruka to enjoy every bolt of pleasure sent to his whole body.

“Are you okay?” Makoto asked, his voice full of care.

“Yes,” Haruka almost gasped as he felt another wave of pleasure. “I think I’m ready,” he added, suddenly desperate to find out how it feels to be as close to Makoto as possible, to be connected with him.

The fingers disappeared and Haruka turned over to lie down on his back again, now facing Makoto, who was staring back at him, eyes overflowing with love and adoration.

The brunette started taking his boxers off and Haruka couldn’t stop looking. Makoto was beautiful all over. His cock was fully erect and huge and it was the first time Haruka felt something else than disgust when he looked at the person who was going to have sex with him. He was amazed, excited and in love.

“Can I…?” Makoto moved closer to Haruka.

“Yeah, but… You never slept with anyone without it, right?”

“No, but…still. Take it.”

Makoto nodded and returned to the night stand once again, this time grabbing a small pack with condoms inside. He opened it and took one out in a few seconds. When it was covering his member, Haruka secretly sighed in relief. He was scared he could have caught some contagious diseases from the streets and didn’t want to put Makoto in danger. The said man covered the condom with lube and positioned himself between Haruka’s legs.

“I love you,” he said, voice heavy with emotions.

And then he entered Haruka, very slowly at first, and waited a few seconds for Haruka to adjust to his size. Haruka loved the feeling, he felt so _full_ and connected with Makoto at the most intimate level. When his breathing calmed down, he gave Makoto a small nod and the older man started moving.

Just as his previous actions, his thrusts were very slow, but with each one of them he hit Haruka’s prostate dead on. The room was filled with the sounds of their ragged breaths and occasional moans that got muffled later because Makoto captured Haruka’s mouth in sloppy kisses. Haruka was holding on Makoto’s back, his own back arching and his mouth gasping. His eyes squeezed shut, he was about to be carried away by the pleasure, but then he forced himself to open them, so he could see Makoto. The other’s mouth was opened, too, and his eyes were even deeper green than before, scanning every Haruka’s expression. Makoto’s thrusts gradually became deeper and deeper and soon Haruka thought he wasn’t going to hold the pleasure anymore. Makoto kept placing kisses on his lips, jawline, neck, anywhere within his reach. Haruka threw his head back and another loud moan escaped from his mouth. He wasn’t even trying to cover them, he was happy to show Makoto that he felt good - all thanks to him.

Their bodies were moving in sync, Haruka’s pelvis was raising automatically to meet Makoto’s thrusts and despite the slow pace the raven haired man felt his climax coming pretty soon. Makoto’s groans gave away that he was getting close, too.

And suddenly, a wave of unbelievably strong pleasure ran through Haruka’s whole body, his back arched and his mouth opened in a silent scream. Makoto followed soon after him, riding out their orgasms together and then slowing down until he stopped completely.

Makoto remained inside Haruka for a while longer, both men breathing heavily, before pulling out and collapsing on the bed next to his lover.

Haruka felt too exhausted to move, his eyelids half closed as he watched the other man sitting up and taking off the condom, which landed on the ground. Makoto grabbed tissues from the night stand and started cleaning Haruka's stomach that was covered with the boy's own cum.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly and threw the dirty tissues away. “Haru,” he tried again, his voice shaking, when he didn't get any answer, and lay back down next to the other boy. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry I should have controlled myself, I-”

“Makoto.” Haruka interrupted him and opened his eyes. “I am okay. Don't worry.”

Makoto sighed in relief and pulled him closer. “I'm so glad,” he murmured and buried his face in the black hair. “I love you so much, Haru.”

“It was perfect,” Haruka whispered, nuzzling closer to Makoto's warm body.

“Yes. Yes, it was.” Makoto placed a kiss on Haruka's forehead. “Maybe we should take a shower.”

“Tomorrow…” Haruka mumbled. “Too tired.”

“Okay,” Makoto chuckled. “Good night, Haru.”

“Good night, Makoto.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm super fucking nervous about this, because it was my first sex scene EVER and wow I was so embarrassed to write it. I still think it's awful, but oh well xD  
> Please, share your thoughts and opinions with me! Thank you for your support <3
> 
> Talk to me on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> I know it's been a while since I posted something and I want to apologise for that. I transferred to a new school, which gave me a lot of work and stress and due to the lack of sleep and caffeine overdosing I got sick. Now I'm tied to my bed with an illness that is according to people around me pretty serious, but to me it's just painful and annoying.  
> Anyway, I somehow managed to write a new chapter (a surprisingly long one) and I hope you like it! Tbh I've been feeling a little discouraged lately - like the stuff I write wasn't good enough.  
> I'd also like to apologise for all this whining - I guess I can blame it on my fever.  
> As always, big thanks goes to my beta Terinka (headoverheelswithsharkgrin on Tumblr)!

Haruka couldn’t think of any better morning he had ever experienced.

Maybe the first morning after finally running away from home?

Maybe the mornings when he was a kid and woke up knowing he was home alone.

But this morning, when the first thing he saw was Makoto’s peaceful sleeping face and the memories of last night flashed through his mind, this morning was perfect.

They both were covered with one blanket and slept on their sides, face to face. Makoto’s arm was resting on Haruka’s waist. 

This was one of the moments Haruka cherished and wished they could last forever, those little pieces of happiness that were making his life slightly better. 

He was fighting the urge to touch Makoto’s face, to run his fingers through the sandy brown hair and press a kiss on his forehead or lips to wake him up, to see the green eyes open and light up just like they always do when Makoto looks at him.

A phone on the nightstand on Makoto’s side started ringing. Makoto’s reaction was immediate - he was probably a light sleeper. He turned over to lie on his back  and grabbed the phone, his eyes still half closed.

“Yes?” He said in a sleepy voice when he brought the phone to his ear. “What? I thought you told me to come later today.” He listened for a while and then sighed deeply. “Yes, yes, it’s done. And okay, understood.”

He then placed the phone back on the nightstand and rolled over to lie on his side again with a groan. His expression softened when he registered Haruka, who had been staring at him the entire time. 

“Good morning,” he said with a bright smile. 

“What was that?” asked Haruka, referring to the phone call.

“Sousuke asked me to come to work as soon as possible. And with you.” He sighed deeply. “I’m so sorry, Haru.”

“It’s not your fault.” Haruka wasn’t happy about the fact that he had to leave the comfortable bed with Makoto in it to go see their boss, but he had no choice, right?

Makoto shifted a little on the bed and wrapped his arm around Haruka’s waist, pulling him closer. “How did you sleep?”

When he was this close, Haruka could see the huge dark bags under his eyes, that were definitely bigger than yesterday. “Better than you, I guess.”

Makoto smiled in a really tired way. “When you fell asleep, I got up and finished some work.”

Haruka frowned a little. “Why didn’t you go to sleep?”

“I had to finish it.”

“You are going to work yourself to death.”

Makoto chuckled and his fingers started drawing circles gently on Haruka’s naked back. “Don’t worry, it will get better soon.” His expression suddenly became serious. “More importantly… How are you feeling? Are you… Are you in pain?”

Haruka shook his head - and really, he was feeling fine. No pain, no uncomfortable feelings. It was another new (and very nice) thing. 

“I’m okay.”

Makoto kept rubbing the skin on his back with his thumb. Now he looked a little worried as he asked: “Do you hate me?”

Haruka stared at him, utterly confused by this question. “No.  _ No.  _ Why would I?”

“I’m just… I was afraid you would regret it.” Makoto avoided eye contact, biting his lip a little.

“It was my idea in the first place.” Haruka reached out to cup Makoto’s cheek and made him look into his eyes. “And there is no way I would regret my decision.”

Instead of an answer, Makoto pressed his lips against Haruka’s. To the black haired boy the kiss felt a little different, more intimate than before. Everything was a little more intimate than before. Haruka placed his hands on Makoto’s chest, feeling the warm skin and the muscles under his touch. After a few heated kisses, Makoto pushed Haruka onto the bed a little and now he was lying on top of him. Haruka suddenly realised that he was still naked - unlike Makoto who was wearing his underwear.

Makoto broke the kiss, pulling away from Haruka completely and lying back down next to him. 

“I’m sorry. We really have to leave the flat as soon as possible and I wouldn’t be able to hold back.” He smiled sheepishly and looked at Haruka, his beautiful emerald eyes shining with many emotions. “You are just so beautiful I can’t resist.”

The sudden compliment made Haruka’s cheeks blush a little. “It’s okay,” he said and looked away with an unreadable expression.

They both got up and put their clothes on - Haruka felt somehow embarrassed, which was a bit weird, considering the fact that they saw each other naked last night. He wore all black because that’s what he liked best and Makoto chose a grey shirt, which the black haired boy found really _sexy_ , and tight black pants.

They ate breakfast together. It was a really calm morning - until Haruka moved over to the window and lit up a cigarette. Makoto watched him for a while, looking really tense. When Haruka lit another cigarette up using the old one (then he threw the butt out of the window), he couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Haru, this isn’t good,” he said in a calm voice, still sitting on the sofa.

“I know,” Haruka answered, not in a mean way. He really  _ knew.  _

“Not only for your health, but also for your voice.”

“It helps me cope.”

Makoto stood up and slowly walked towards Haruka. He leaned against the wall next to the other man and looked at him with that sad, almost heartbreaking expression. Until that moment Haruka had still been smoking the cigarette, but now he just let it burn between his fingers while staring back. 

“I’m really worried about you,” Makoto said. “You shouldn’t smoke - at least not this much. I understand that it helps you, but… I’m sure you would be able to deal with things even without it.” He stepped closer and smiled a bit while raising his hand to let his fingers ghost over Haruka’s cheek. “You are strong, Haru. I believe in you. You can do it.” Then he leaned closer, placing a really soft kiss on Haruka’s lips. And Haruka let himself be kissed, the cigarette still burning in his hand, and he thought, he knew, that he really, really couldn’t do it.

 

***

 

“You’ve done a great job the few past days.” Yamazaki looked really pleased as he went through the documents in his hand again. Haruka was sitting across the table in his office, while Makoto was standing pretty far from them, leaning against the wall. “The concert was successful, your album is selling well and your music video is in the top ten of this week on the second place. I’m more than satisfied.”

Haruka didn’t really know what to say - of course he was nicely surprised and even kind of proud, but he couldn’t come up with anything better than “thanks”. He turned his head to Makoto, who nodded with a supportive smile. Of course he would do that. Haruka found out that no matter what, he could rely on this man. He couldn’t wish for a better partner, Makoto was basically perfect.

While Haruka was a mess.

He focused on their boss once again, trying to ignore the thoughts in the back of his mind. He always knew that he didn’t deserve Makoto, but the other man seemed to be happy about things being this way. Haruka probably shouldn’t even think about it.

“However,” Yamazaki continued, looking at Haruka, then at Makoto, then back at Haruka again - he probably noticed the looks they gave each other. “We aren’t allowed to rest yet. In order to get new fans and keep the old ones, you have to continue doing something. According to our stats, the most popular song on the album - when we don’t count in  _ Silhouettes _ \- is  _ Stay and Disappear _ . Therefore I’d like you to do another music video, this time of this song.” 

“Okay,” said Haruka simply. 

“And one last surprise - I didn’t tell you about this beforehand, because it wasn’t confirmed until this morning, but you have an interview today. For that one magazine for girls.” Yamazaki looked at the watches on his hand. “The journalist is going to arrive in about twenty minutes, so you have some time to get ready.”

Haruka wasn’t shocked at all. He was slowly getting used to Yamazaki not warning him about things. But this time he felt a little irritated because nobody asked him if he even  _ wants  _ to give an interview. 

“Okay,” he said, despite his feelings. 

“Great. I’ll show you the way to the conference room where the interview takes place.” Yamazaki got up and so did Haruka.

“I can do that,” Makoto stepped closer to them.

“No, you have to work.” Yamazaki’s voice sounded colder than usual. His expression didn’t let anyone protest. Makoto sighed and gave Haruka one last worried look before leaving the room.

What Haruka felt towards Yamazaki was mostly respect. Not in the good way, though. He was cautious everytime his boss was near and didn’t like being alone with him. Haruka sighed and waited for Yamazaki to check something on his phone in an awkward silence.

“So let’s go?” Once he finished typing something, the black brown haired man turned to Haruka, who just nodded and didn’t even bother replying verbally this time. Something about Yamazaki felt  _ really _ weird and he didn’t want to interact with him more than necessary. 

The conference room was only two minutes walk (still in the awkward silence) through the hallways of the Heimat Records building. At this point Haruka didn’t understand Yamazaki’s previous actions - it took only a few minutes, so why did he send Makoto away?

“Here it is,” Yamazaki said and opened one of the doors in the long hallway. “You still have some time before the journalist arrives, so you can think about what you are going to say or check what people say about you on the internet.”

Oh, Haruka almost forgot about this. He wanted to check the YouTube comments. 

“Okay, thanks,” the boy said and stepped towards the now opened door. Before he could enter the room, he felt a tight grip on his wrist.

“One last thing.” Yamazaki’s teal eyes were really cold, his stare was almost hateful. “I believe I warned you before, but you probably didn’t understand. So I’ll say it more directly this time. Leave Makoto alone.”

Haruka’s eyes widened. “But-”

“He doesn’t deserve this. Stop messing with him.” Yamazaki let go of his wrist and walked away without saying anything else. 

And Haruka couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was actually  _ right.  _ Makoto really deserved better. But he was also wrong, because Haruka wasn’t just messing with Makoto. He was more than serious. 

Soon his mind returned to the interview. Now when he was left alone, he started to feel really anxious about it. What were they going to ask? What was he going to answer? Why would they do an interview with  _ him? _

Haruka entered the conference room and sighing, he sat down on one of the chairs that were placed in a circle around the huge table. Things started getting to him - he was beyond exhausted, more mentally than physically, though. He needed a break. 

Remembering his previous decision, he took his phone out of his pocket and clicked on the YouTube icon. He felt really weird when he typed his own name and clicked on his own video. He still wasn’t really used to it.

The number of likes rose - but so did the number of dislikes. At the moment the video had about five thousand likes and one thousand dislikes. But more importantly, Haruka focused on the comments below. He scrolled down and started reading. The first ones were what Makoto read to him the other day, but there were also comments Haruka hadn’t seen before.

_ This song is awful,  _ said one of them.  _ Too cheesy, too overdramatic.  _ This comment had a reply:  _ Yeah, I agree, it’s overdramatic af. _

Haruka felt his stomach tighten. Of course he had expected bad comments, but reading them made him feel really weird. 

_ Heard he’s a junkie… Ew.  _ That was another one that made Haruka bite his lip, feeling a little sick. This comment had more replies. 

_ All junkies should die. _

_ I agree. They are just parasites on our society and us, normal people. Then they make a sad video and think everyone will love them… I’m disgusted. _

_ It’s their own fault anyway that they became addicts. Nobody forced them to start doing drugs. Kids these days… _

Haruka couldn’t stop reading those comments that were full of hate towards him and his song. It was making him feel more and more upset, but he just couldn’t stop. The more he read the more he realised that what he had always thought was correct - he wasn’t talented or special. 

_ Kill yourself lol  _ was another comment. 

_ I hate this song. And this guy.  _

_ No, another shitty song. When will my country have good music? _

_ This talentless wannabe star should quit asap. _

Before he could continue, the door of the conference room opened and Haruka, looking up from the phone screen, saw a young woman in a black dress with white dots that reached her knees and black knee socks. She was carrying a suitcase and had long brown hair. She looked quite nice and pretty, but Haruka decided to be cautious anyway.

“Hello! My name is Elise Schmidt and I’m here to do the interview with you. You can call me Elise.” She extended her hand towards Haruka and gave him a warm smile. Haruka got up, slowly copied her gesture and shook her hand.

“My name is Haruka Nanase,” he introduced himself, feeling lame. They sat down on the opposite chairs, facing each other. 

“So, Mr. Nanase-”

“You can use my first name… If you want to.” Haruka looked down on his hands under the table. It hadn’t been even a minute, yet he was already failing. 

“Alright then, Haruka.” Elise’s voice was so soft and lively, it made his name sound really nice. “Now I’ll ask you a few questions and record the whole interview. Do you want to say anything before we start?”

Haruka just shook his head.

“Alright then. Let’s begin.” Elise put her suitcase on the table and opened it, taking out a small recorder and a notebooks with a few notes inside. She turned the recorder on.

“Today I’m here with the fresh new star of the German music scene, Haruka Nanase. He is already very successful, even though he’s made only one album and had only one concert. His songs seem to have a really deep meaning and that’s, together with the amazing voice and music, the reason why people love them so much.

Tell me, Haruka, how are you feeling about all this? About your success and popularity?”

He sighed deeply and gave himself some time to think about it - he didn’t want to give quick, thoughtless answers.

“Of course, I’m still shocked. It’s happened so fast and it’s still new for me… But I’m happy to see people liking what I’m doing. I...I don’t think I’m popular, though.”

Elise smiled. “Well, you seem rather popular to me. Or, at least, like you are about to be. One of the reasons why I think so is that people has already started spreading rumours about you. Is it true that you are addicted to drugs?”

Haruka bit his lip nervously. He literally expected this question, yet it made him feel very uneasy, almost sick. 

“I used to be,” he said finally. “But not anymore.”

“Could you tell us more about it?”

_ Guess I have no choice, huh?  _ “Almost a year ago I tried drugs for the first time… It was heroin. I didn’t even begin with the easy stuff, I shot up right away. I was using it for months and didn’t even know why I should do something about it. A few days ago I stopped doing drugs for good. I…” Here he had to swallow because suddenly it started getting harder to get words out of his throat. “I want to start again as a different, better person.”

Although Elise seemed impressed, she remained professional and Haruka couldn’t be more thankful for that. 

“You must be really strong then.”

“Not really. I wasn’t alone. That was the most important thing.” Haruka cracked a faint, almost invisible smile against his will. 

“Now, probably the most important question. Why did you start making music?”

This was something Haruka liked talking about, for a change. He told the journalist the same story as he told Makoto, about the guy with a guitar on Hasenheide.

“Since this is a magazine for girls, I can’t help but ask - what’s your opinion on love?”

Haruka looked directly at Elise, blinking. “What am I supposed to say?” It was the first time he interrupted the interview.

“I don’t know… A life story? A metaphor? Something poetic? You write your own lyrics, right?” The journalist shrugged.

The black haired guy frowned as he focused on remembering all the recent events in his life, searching for some that would help him come up with an answer.

“Love is like a… like a drug. You can get high on sweet words and touches, but when you run out of them.... You get into the worst withdrawal. You can get addicted and that might destroy you, but… I think that it makes you see things in a new, different, exciting way.”

A moment of stunned silence followed before Elise continued questioning Haruka.

“What about your personal life then? Did anyone make you feel so?”

“Yeah.” Haruka felt his chest getting heavy as he was saying this, hearing Yamazaki’s words in his head over and over again.  _ Makoto deserves better. _ “I think I’ve met someone who makes me feel this way.”

“And what are you plans for the future?”

Haruka fell silent to think about the question - it was the hardest one so far. He didn’t actually think about his future at all. His goal was to survive today.

“I think I’d like to continue doing music. And live a nice, calm life.” By now he felt really stupid, worried about his lame answers, but Elise looked satisfied. She turned the recorder off and gave Haruka a polite smile.

“Thank you very much for your time. I won’t change anything for the article, because I really liked the way you talked. Do you still need me to send it back for authorisation?”

The raven haired boy shook his head. He didn’t want to see his answers ever again.

“Good then. I hope we’ll meet again some day.”

They shook hands again and Elise left. Haruka was all alone again.

Now he was basically free to do anything he wanted. He thought of going to Makoto’s office to distract himself - he wanted to see the sandy brown haired man’s face, he wanted to hear his voice.He knew it was the only thing that could calm him down at the moment. But what Yamazaki said kept resonating in his head.

No, he couldn’t go there. He couldn’t bear the feeling of being  _ annoying,  _ being a burden, a bother. It made him so anxious he could barely breathe.

He decided to go outside to clear his head - he remembered wandering through the streets of Berlin and seeking inner peace, which lasted only until his body started craving the drug again.

But now he didn’t need drugs anymore, right? He could just walk around… Visit his favourite places… Without any ulterior motives. 

He quietly, almost secretly left the building and didn’t quite think about the direction of his walk until he stepped out of the tram on Potsdamer platz.

There was no need to pretend anymore. He couldn’t lie to himself now. There was only one reason why he automatically went all the way to Potsdamer platz and headed to one of the small corridors. He needed to kill the confused emotions inside him, he wanted to get rid of his stress and anxiety and nervousness.

“Long time no see,“ his dealer said when Haruka stopped in front of him. “Have you gotten yourself another dealer?“

“I quit,“ Haruka answered coldly.

“Sure,“ the dealer smirked. „then what are you doing here?“

“I need it today, okay?“ Haruka almost snapped. 

“Okay, okay. The usual stuff?”

“No, only a quarter gram this time.”

“Okay.”

“And…” Haruka felt a little embarrassed, but the vision of the shot that was about to come overrode all his other worries. “Do you have a spare syringe? And a spoon? And a lightner?”

The dealer looked like he was about to roll his eyes, but added the things Haruka asked for to the little sack of powder and of course, charged him more money.

“Thanks,” Haruka said quickly and hurried to the nearest toilet stall. 

At this point he didn’t care about anything anymore. The only thing on his mind was the growing urge to shoot up, to feel the drug inside his veins. He forgot about his withdrawals, he forgot about his future, about Makoto waiting for him. The drug was the most important thing for him right now. 

He locked himself in one of the cabins and started melting the drug. This time his hands weren’t shaking because of the withdrawal, but with excitement. When the drug was melted, he filled the syringe with it - he had a clean syringe after a long time, it was a surprisingly good feeling - and rolled up the sleeve of his jacket. His veins were quite visible, so it wasn’t a problem to find one and stick the needle inside. He took a deep breath before finally pushing the piston.

The feeling of the drug running through his veins hit him like a truck. He threw his head back and with a quiet sigh of pleasure he collapsed on the ground. It felt  _ amazing.  _ He didn’t even know how much he missed feeling all of his problems disappear, being replaced by the sweet high time. 

Everything was okay again.

 

***

 

If the phone in his pocket hadn’t started ringing, he would have been sitting on the bench at Potsdamer platz forever. He was enjoying the peaceful evening and the fact that he didn’t need to stress himself with buying drugs for his next shot. He wasn’t addicted anymore - he was free.

However, the phone was quite annoying, so he decided to pick it up. If he hadn’t been high, he wouldn’t have done it. 

“Yeah?” He said when he brought the phone to his ear.

“Haru! It’s me. Where are you?” Makoto’s worried voice brought him back to reality. He was so lost in his dream world that he completely forgot about the events of his everyday life. 

“At Potsdamer platz,” he said in a small voice, afraid of the consequences. 

“What are you doing there?” Makoto sounded a little suspicious - or maybe Haruka only imagined that?

“I just went for a walk. Needed to clear my head.” And here he was, lying to Makoto again. Well, he wasn’t exactly  _ lying.  _ He just didn’t tell the whole truth. 

“Okay then.” The other man’s voice sounded relieved - and Haruka felt the guilt occupying his stomach. “When are you coming home?”

“Now.”

“Perfect.”

 

***

 

Of course, once Haruka heard Makoto’s voice, the guilty feeling was back. But it wasn’t as strong as usual since his high didn’t seem to go away. When he arrived to Makoto’s flat, he was greeted by a warm smile and a quick hug. 

“Did you have a nice afternoon?” Makoto asked and Haruka looked at him suspiciously. But it was obviously only a kind question - Makoto had no idea.

“Yeah. And you?” Haruka’s head was floating and if he were alone, he would just lie down and daydream.

Makoto let out a soft chuckle. “I was just working. I’m lucky I got out of work earlier today.” He stepped a little closer to Haruka. “I want to spend the evening with you.”

“Spend how?” asked Haruka in a deadpan voice.

“Well… I thought we could watch the TV?” Makoto scratched his head nervously. Something between them seemed off. 

“Sounds good.” Haruka just shrugged and Makoto bit his lip. 

“Alright.”

It was here again. Haruka hated acting like this. All cold and distant, despite being with someone he… loved. He hated himself for shooting up again.

But…

He needed it.

There was nothing else he could do. 

It was only this time. 

Satisfied with what he told himself he took off his jacket and shoes and followed Makoto to the living room.

“I’ll go make some tea,” Makoto said quietly, as if he was nervous about the situation.

And Haruka realised that he  _ knew  _ something was wrong. But of course, Makoto, who trusted him too much, would never guess what was really going on. 

When the sandy brown haired man returned with two cups of tea, he was smiling again.

“I thought of dinner, but tea is the only thing I can make, sadly.” His tone was half amused, half apologetic. 

“It’s okay, I’ll love anything you make,” Haruka bursted out without thinking and blushed a little. “I mean…”

Makoto put the cups on the table in front of the sofa, without warning cupped Haruka’s cheeks and kissed him. It was shocking yet calming and Haruka desperately dove right into the kiss, forgetting everything right then.

“I keep falling for you more and more,” Makoto whispered breathlessly after breaking the kiss. “How is it even possible?” He then let go completely and gestured towards the sofa. They both sat down and held their cups of tea. They didn’t even think of turning the TV on.

“How was the interview?” asked Makoto after a few moments of comfortable silence.

“Good. The woman was nice.”

“I see.” Makoto took a sip of his tea. “And how are you feeling about the whole thing? Your fame and career?”

“I’m not famous,” Haruka objected. Then his mind returned to the comments and he took a sip of his tea so quickly that he burnt his tongue. “People don’t even like me…”

“Why do you think so?” Makoto blinked and stared at Haruka in confusion.

“I…” Haruka shook his head to get rid of this guilty feeling - he didn’t do anything bad, did he? “I read the comments on my song.”

“Oh, Haru…” Makoto placed his cup back on the table and turned to the other man with a sad expression.

“Why didn’t you want me to know?” Haruka whispered and placed his cup on the table as well, facing Makoto.

“I just didn’t want you to be upset.”

“But… You should have told me that I have no talent. And that I should quit.” Haruka looked down, surprised to feel his eyes getting tearful. The comments together with Yamazaki’s words made him feel so down and the drug didn’t work as it did before.

“Please, ignore those comments.” Makoto moved closer and pulled Haruka into a tight hug. “I know it’s easy to say, but I’m telling you the truth. Every artist has to deal with this kind of people. But the most important thing is that there are more people loving your work than hating it. You are very talented and you should follow your dreams.” Makoto’s soothing voice together with the warm hug made Haruka feel lighter again. He still couldn’t completely shake off the events of today, but he felt like he could overcome things easier with Makoto by his side.

“If you were the only one who liked my music, I think I would keep doing it.” He buried his face in Makoto’s shirt, breathing in his favourite scent. 

Makoto took a deep breath and squeezed the boy in his arms. “What are you doing to me…” he mumbled, without any further explanation. “I’m so proud of you,” he said and let go of Haruka to look him in the face, showing his usual bright and sweet smile. 

“But you are the one who did all this,” Haruka objected. 

No, Haru.” Makoto shook his head. “It was your work and your talent. I just kind of showed you the way.” He grabbed Haruka’s hand and intertwined their fingers. His own were trembling slightly, as if he was unsure of his actions. It was a little weird, considering the fact that they slept together last night. Their relationship should have been on much deeper level by now, but they were still insecure around each other at times.

“I’m also very proud of you for quitting drugs,” Makoto continued his praise with a really loving expression. “It’s not something anyone could do. Now that you are clean everything is better, right?” 

Haruka felt like a cold hand grabbed his guts and squeezed. Hard. “Yeah,” he gulped. “Right.”

He had never hated himself so much before. He was back to square one - lying to Makoto, betraying him, shooting up secretly.

And the worst thing was that he didn’t even care that much.

And he was ready to do it again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you did, let me know! And if you didn't, tell me why!  
> Kudos and comments are always more than appreciated.
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr (haruka-nanasodone-with-you) or Twitter (DaniLovesSatan)!


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